I ask myself

June 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm (choice, coping, family, feelings and thoughts, joy, motivation, why blog) ()

sometimes I ask myself  why I am doing this. understanding motivation for behavior is what I did professionally for years. one great thing about working with forensic psychology is learning to accept we do not understand what motivates behavior in every circumstance, that doesn’t stop us from trying though. we want it all in a neat package so we can say I would never do … because I am not that kind of person. well I am here to tell you I never thought I would be sharing my most private thoughts with, whoever reads this. It started harmless enough, thinking of it as a legacy for my loved ones after I am gone so they would know how much i treasured them. however, if what i say over and over in this blog is true don’t they know that? I guess my concern is they may look back and wonder what motivated me to make the choices I have. there will be no chance for questions or for them to understand my choices have been my own and no one else has influenced them.

some decisions   have been to donate my body to science, make a living will that prevents artificial life-sustaining devices, to ask for a memorial with music and laughter, along with some others. most of these decisions I believe anyone who knows me can understand. it has helped me to write what I feel as sort of an ongoing dialog with myself regarding these choices. this weekend bill, Kristen and my grandson McGill and grand-daughter Susanna came to visit, it was really for an early father’s day for Chris. heather came up from Atlanta for the afternoon. it was the worst time for me to get sick and so of course I did. a couple of weeks ago I went for a liver scan to rule out liver cancer and I did not get the results until today. thursday night I became ill and by friday was running high fever, lots of other stuff no one needs to read about here, so I made some choices there and then. I don’t regret them and take full responsibility for them. I decided to keep things as normal as possible when they arrived late friday hoping to shake the worst off by the next day. they were going to make early dinner for Chris, and heather brought a great gift for Chris. it was too important for me to not take that time away from any of them. since I have been in kidney failure before by saturday afternoon I was pretty sure this was either failure or something very close to it. my breathing has become almost so labor intensive I can think of nothing else. I start coughing and gasping uncontrollably so you can understand that I am not about to put my grandkids through this. I stayed in the bedroom most of the day, I came out once when everyone was cooking and playing. again later I came out to see the kids and even played with them a bit. several times Chris asked me about going to the ER. I know he would have taken me and stayed with me, I also know they would have admitted me (confirmed by my dr. today). strange as it may seem to some I did not want to do that. it was my choice to give the one thing I could, I could give them the time together without worrying about me. what I got in return, is what motivated me to do that. I was awake some times and could hear the kids playing, the laughter and could even smell the food they were cooking so lovingly. that was their gift to me.

my sister is coming from san francisco and will be here tomorrow. she does not know how ill I have been these past few weeks. luckily she has many friends in Atlanta and when she is not here curled up with a book, chatting with Chris or loving the cats, I will send her on her way to be with those friends. she will return with stories and make me laugh. she has that way about her. she can also just be here quietly with me which is another thing I treasure her for. I wish I were not this sick right now, I wish that we could have had more good days together. I am sure we will, soon, I hope.

so why do this? I do this for me and for them. I want them to know that I do not regret one moment of this weekend or any other time I choose to put them first. by doing so I also put myself first, the ER, being admitted to the hospital, not anything as wonderful as the sound of happy people even if it is in the next room.

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