to defibrilate or not that is another decision to make

January 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm (defibrillator, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

having the defibrillator implanted brings with it some questions of its own.  at what point to unplug and go “au naturale”   there was some hesitation on my part to have this thing installed in the first place. not to say I regret it now as that is not the way I think about things or try not to.  once the decision is made my goal is to make that work. if it doesn’t it can be   re-evaluated.  over the years many decisions have been re-evaluated, fortunately not as many in the past few years.  at the time of this decision I was not alone in the dr.’s office. husband sitting, leaning forward in that anxious fight or flight mode.  cardiologist determined to have this device implanted in my body, sitting there it struck me that these two men had the same goal but for very different reasons.  the man I love says we have to do this, it will give me more time with him and he with me. doesn’t that make it worth doing? what to say to that?  of course it must be done, if not then the conclusion will be made that more time with him is not what I want.  of course I want more time with him.  who would say no to more time?  like the commercial who wouldn’t want more money?  there is of course the fine print.  it is in fine print for a reason, much like the wizard of oz and “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”  here the fine print is the surgery itself, the everyday problems with the device, and finally how does it work in the end?  picture this, you are at the end of your life, peaceful and accepting of what is coming, you are surrounded by family, your loved ones or even just your cat.  you close your eyes ready for the big sleep, then a horse kicks you in the chest.  yep the defib does not go so peacefully into the night.  the mission is to shock your heart and keep it pumping. there is no off switch.  forget about drifting off to sleep and being at peace.  no you have the rolls royce in your chest my friend so there are a few more kicks to come!

this does not appeal to me.  timing is everything they say and though I have still not met “they” it is my opinion in this case they are correct.  not wanting to do this too soon and miss even a day of life while it is still so sweet to me, not wanting to wait too long and be denied the option of disconnecting this device, timing is everything.  this is the 4 yr anniversary and there is (statistically speaking) not to be a 5th anniversary.  there is always the first or the exception to any situation.  there may have been people who did make it to 5 and beyond, they may not be a part of the group used to establish the statistics.  there is an equally good chance that I will not make it to next february which would be entering my 5th year.  no one has made it to year five,  end stage congestive heart failure….   no still not tragic:)  sorry I had to give it a moment. 

strange how we all react so differently to the same stimulus.  for myself this is no tragedy.  life has been an amazing gift. whatever comes now I don’t really mind.  there have been so many moments of sheer delight and even today when I am physically struggling, my life is rich.  when done here will make my way to the double recliner bought so we could sit side by side.  just being there, talk or not, cats on the lap, texting with friends or family, just being.  days like today are a reminder of how serious this really is.  no denial here.  the body does not allow for that and that is not what I want.  it is what it is and today it is challenging.  ahhhh but there is tomorrow and hope for a better day!  going now, to sit and just be.  will keep thinking a bit about whether or not to turn this device off.

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