August 6, 2012 at 1:45 am (anniversaries, death, how does it feel to die, joy) (, )

17 yrs ago we headed to Lake Tahoe and got married.  a month later we had the wedding that had been planned for several months.  this was not the first marriage for either of us and yet it was the first marriage in my heart. from the moment i layed eyes on him 20 yrs ago life has been truly a joy.  not that we have a life without strife.  for some reason this is difficult for me to write about.  how to put in to words, without sounding like a braggart, the difference in life now vs. the b.c. (before chris).

b.c. life :  there had been a marriage previously entered in to with hesitation and doubt.  it ended abruptly with his death.  there had been little happy moments yet nothing memorable.  most days were white knuckled hoping he didn’t get drunk and gotten behind the wheel.  he was a troubled man with a troubled past.  i was a nurse and he was a patient.  after nearly dying of alcohol poisoning he turned his attention to the nurse who runs the stairs everyday.  when well enough he is off to rehab and sends loving letters.  they would be  the only loving words for the next 10 yrs.  that was then and i have let go of those times.

tomorrow we are off to savannah.  the trip will be exhausting, we both know that.  one more reason to love and treasure this man, the ease in which he accepts these changes that affect his life.  mornings in the past were early rising and chatter.  now it is late rising for me and so he  is on his own most mornings.  past trips were spent wandering the streets, antiquing, walking much of the time.  when first planning this trip the conversation addressed the possibility he would go on his own to do some of the activities he enjoys and are no longer an option for me.  just remembering the conversation brings a mist to my eyes.  my love dismisses being on his own and suggests carriage rides, the wildlife refuge, and a visit to a tea room.

will this be the last wedding anniversary?  it is likely to be a last.  since entering year 5 the thought is never far from my mind.  to think that statistically people with this diagnosis do not live to the end of year 5. that is an anniversary and a reminder of what is coming.  as we plan our getaway, our 17 years of love is the only anniversary that matters.


  1. jmgoyder said,

    This is as beautiful as both of you are – I am crying.

    • sbcallahan said,

      you are always so generous and kind! thank you and where do you find the time and energy to care so much about so many?

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