insert multiple curse words here

August 21, 2012 at 11:25 pm (angina, being remembered, choice, dying, gratitude, how does it feel to die, symptoms of angina for women) (, , , , , , )

we went to a movie today.  through most of the movie i had angina pain.  so here goes the whining, you have been warned.

angina pain is like a combination of the  worst pain just above your shoulder-blade in your back (for women). if you have had a toothache, strep throat, broken bones or migraine headaches you have some idea of what this is like.  it can last 5 min or an hour. it can stop hurting then 5 min later hurt again.  then the nausea comes and i am trying to decide do i call 911 or do i sit here and see what happens?  obviously i opted for waiting to see what happens.  afterward we went to dinner at a local cafe and started talking about life in general.  pretty soon he mentions that his fear is my dying before him and i laugh since my fear is not going before him or having a stroke.  as hard as i think he will have it, i will have it far worse.  so it is not even something i am willing to contemplate. he brings up the age difference and i remind him of how healthy he is and that his aunt is 103!

the angina just reminds me that this thing is happening. it is really happening and he needs to understand that wishing it away is not going to change anything.

my greatest fear is not dying but having a stroke that takes away my ability to make my own choice.  i am in no hurry to die and yet when i think about it even in the darkest hours there is no fear.  i am grateful and feel lucky to be at this place in my life.  at the end of each day i can honestly look into my heart and say if i died tonight i would be happy.  there have been years in the past where i felt unfinished and would have left with a heavy heart.  my love has given me a well lived life.  my love for you has brought me to this place.  just remember as long as i am in your heart i am not really gone.

5 Comments

  1. jmgoyder said,

    This sounds so unbearable to me.

    • sbcallahan said,

      and yet we find a way to bear what does at times feel unbearable. you are one of my inspirations.

  2. appletonavenue said,

    I can understand his desire to wish it all away. There are many things I struggle with wanting to wish them away. We don’t look forward to a life without those closest to us, yet it is scarier still to be left alone among strangers. I send you good thoughts for increased happiness in your life.

    Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. You are helping me come to grips with issues in my life.

    • sbcallahan said,

      i am so lucky and enjoy my life as it is. i wish you much happiness and joy in your life. it can be rough for any of us at any given moment, knowing we are not alone makes it bearable.

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