is this un-nesting?

September 4, 2012 at 12:57 am (choice, coping, heart failure and exhaustion, the dr. says) (, , , , , )

since last week it has come to my attention things are progressing here. this is as it should be and yet my hope keeps me moving forward each day.  just walking from one room to another can bring on exhaustion. lying down in bed is difficult.  as soon as my head starts to lower my breathing becomes strained and then we have gasping for breath.  it can take up to 20 minutes to get settled.  now i never go to bed before 3 and more like 4 or 4:30 a.m.  my man goes to bed around 10 on a normal night.  more often he is trying to stay up with me a bit later.

can’t help but wonder if  i am stalling here, sorry.  so the pain is worse, when it is my liver the pain obliterates all other cognitive activity.  my love recommended i go to the dr. or the ER in this circumstance.  my choice is to hang tough and see what happens.  if i go to the ER i would surely be admitted and that is just a waste of time and resources.  i have worked in ER’s and know what kind of issues they have.  what would they do with me anyway? they would be happy to let me stay a few days.  we have very good health insurance. i have watched people at the end who struggle with their diagnosis and keep going in thinking by some magical dust everything has been changed and they are going to be fine. i am just not that person.

saturday was the worst in some time. i decided to make a stew that would feed him for 3 days.  suddenly i realized my mode was much the same as the nesting phase when pregnant.  grabbing up a stack on the end table, off i go to file papers and work on photos.  it is my goal to have all pics labeled so they can be identified.  asked my darling to sweep and pick up. even though the pain was growing every minute felt another peak climbed and i just wanted to plant my flag in that stew!  at last i felt not only that i had to but i felt i deserved to sit and relax.

at some point i stopped and listened to the voice in my head and my body. both seemed to be telling  this time was different.  that part is the hardest to explain. the difference felt as though i am leaving for a trip and trying to get some last-minute things done.  there is a sense of what is coming.  my goal is to have things in order here so things can be easier  for him.

i am not afraid of death, i am not afraid of pain.  i am afraid of forgetting something and not being able to let him know what it is.  like an artist with a painting they can’t seem to finish.

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