success in life

September 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm (being remembered, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, the dr. says) (, , , )

this being ill thing certainly gives  a person time for insight.  one question i have been asking of myself? most of us know who we are if asked.  is there some doubt though?  recently YS (youngest sister) and i were discussing our middle sister and our mother.  our perception of who those people are/were is a bit different.  it is clear to me that the mother had an idea of who she was and those of us around her most likely didn’t see her that way.  she was not a kind person.  if she were here and was asked i am sure she would have said she was kind.

am i who i think i am?  in psychology we say- i am not who i think i am, nor am i who you think i am, i am who i think you think i am.  say that a couple of times to yourself! now i am left wondering how i will be remembered.  am i going to be thought of as the person i see myself as?  if not, then ….?

like most of you i have ideals for myself and wonder if i have accomplished those goals.  as my grandmother said many times,  be a good human being and you will have been successful in life.  have i been a success?

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yesterdays, todays and tomorrows

September 12, 2012 at 12:32 am (gratitude, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, the dr. says) (, , , , )

the last week of my yesterdays have been ……. what i have been expecting. my todays are hard to pin down. tomorrows are anyone’s guess.  sunday left me thinking about what has been and what is to come.  there are so many famous quotes and inspirational words that have been offered to make us ponder or recognize how fortunate we are.

all last week (and maybe before) just getting out of bed was almost too much.  i had hoped to rally and keep a couple of engagements with friends.  it didn’t work out though. most days i managed to drag myself to the living room by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, made it to bed somewhere after 4 a.m. but some days as late as 6 a.m.  the thing that strikes me is very few people know or understand the exhaustion that goes along with heart failure.  we can all identify with being very tired or in some cases exhausted but not to the same extent.  there is something so fundamental even organic when you are feeling this that keeps it from being quite like anything else you have ever experienced.  i often chide myself and say i am just being lazy. what else could make me lay in bed or this chair and wait to go to the bathroom until the last possible moment? or lay here so hungry, and know that being a diabetic i need to eat, yet not be able to?  even the thought of eating makes me tired.  all that effort for what? just gonna need to do it again later.

one day my man let me know that we were going somewhere the next day if i could.  this seemed to mean something to him so i asked him to make sure i was up and had enough time to be ready.  before we left he told me we could do it another day if i were too tired but i wanted him to have a good day so off we went.  as we pulled in to the parking lot of our favorite tea room i felt like crying at how lucky i am.  when we were shown to our table there was a bouquet of yellow roses on the table. these are my absolute favorites and yet i didn’t make the connection that they were for me.  the smile on his face and the hostess beaming and saying “i think she is going cry” made me realize they were for me.  by the time we were done all i could think was how great my life is and i hope we can go home now and take a nap.

that was a yesterday.  these are not unexpected days.  they have been waiting in the wings.  we knew they were coming.  well i did anyway, not so sure about him.  he seems to have some magical thinking.  if we just keep making plans then i can’t die, right?  yesterday we made arrangements for a cruise in december.  so we have a trip to the n.c. beach in october where we will watch wild horses.  saturday is his birthday and we are having dinner with friends, the next day Heather is coming over to make her dad breakfast and he is very happy about that.  the next week we have a reception for a sweet couple.

some days are just beyond my control.  the mind is willing but the body is weak.  sitting here tonight i am acutely aware of certain truths.  being here is so much better than so many other places i have been.  this man who loves me, family that i adore, friends that accept me as i am, cats who make me laugh and give me comfort.  tonight i am inside while so many are on the streets, cool when others are not, loved and cared for as so many will be not just alone but lonely.

whatever my tomorrows bring i will be grateful.  no moving quotes or words of inspiration, i am quite plainly grateful.

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