freedom

September 17, 2012 at 2:52 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

most experts in dream analysis will say that cars are equal to freedom.  as someone who has been without a car i can say for me it definitely means freedom.  some people like my ys angie should not have a car.  she becomes another person when she is driving.  that is not the point of this post however. i realized last week when i went out to run a couple of errands that it had been over a month since i had been out on my own.  almost 6 weeks since my last solo adventure.  in august i had driven about 45 min. to meet a couple of friends for dinner.

for a week i had not gone out of the house.  just getting up is exhausting, taking a shower requires a nap.  after spending a few hours out it took a couple of days to recuperate.  i had hoped all week to be able to enjoy two events. one was dinner with friends for my husbands birthday, and the other should have been easy peasy, my lovely step-daughter friend was coming to make brunch  for us in celebration of her father’s birthday.  originally the plan was to get up and have time to get ready for dinner, the cake had to be picked up a couple of hours before dinner.  after getting up it must have been apparent i was having a difficult time so he told me to lay back down.  it didn’t take much convincing and he decided to nap with me.  i did make it to pick up the cake, he offered but it seemed wrong for him to pick up his own cake.  dinner was nice and by 8:30 it was over and i drug myself to the chair.

brunch was another story.  at 11 a.m. i woke up as he was joining me for his morning nap.  he said not to worry he would wake up in time, H was coming at 12.  my body was aching, my head was aching and i had been unable to get any real rest all night.  i was aware of him getting up and the next thing i knew it was around 4 p.m. this goes beyond feeling disappointed.  in the past one of my strongest characteristics as far as i knew was being dependable.  if i told someone i was going do something i did it.  now here i am unable to show my appreciation for her effort.  as it turned out she was sitting on the couch when he got up.  she had arrived 1/2 hr early.  the thought of her sitting on the couch while we were napping makes me sad.  guess it is a good thing the door was unlocked.  on the other hand it makes me wonder about leaving the door unlocked, who knows who might come in next time.

this is turning in to a babble and feel like reeling it in.  it has become obvious there are not going to be many more easy days for me.  although how hard is it to live my last days in this life? a loving husband, family, friends and all the comforts. although at times i would welcome a friend coming by.  chances are i would be sleeping so that is not entirely reasonable.   it is only natural for people to get busy with their life and drift away so with the diminishing of my energy there is less want of my time.  i try to keep from falling into that pit i have seen others dive into.  when caring for patients who are terminal the most common complaint was the lack of friends and even family that spent time with them.  they were good people as far as i knew and yet over and over again i saw it happen.

who would you want to be at your bedside when you drew your last breath?  for some we know it won’t be  the people we thought it would be.  perhaps they have already gone or are not able to be with you for various reasons.  what would you want to talk about?  well i just hope someone is taking a big drink and i tell the most outrageous joke that makes them blow it out their nose!  don’t be surprised, i just want to go out with a laugh. what do comedians say about leaving them wanting more?  oh yay they are gonna wish there had been more!

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