September 30, 2012 at 12:58 am (dying, end stage, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die) (, , , , )

there are things that i have left unsaid.  earlier i was reading the blog of someone whose daughter is terminally ill.  she made the remark her daughter thinks she can’t handle the complete truth about her pain.  it made me start thinking of how i too hide the brutality of the pain i endure day-to-day.  is it due to his lack of understanding? i would have to say yes and no.  can someone who is healthy and never had any type of injury really understand or empathise with this kind of pain?

what will be gained if i were to bare not only my soul but this thing that is a part of me.  he already worries, do i want to burden him further?  i love this man and know that he is making every effort to make sure i have joy in my life every day.  it is in his eyes, the way they get moist or dewy. it is in his face, the way he goes all soft and turns just a bit away.  it is in the hand that reaches out to me.  we sit and hold hands. yes i have things that are unsaid.

at times the pain is almost more than i can bear.  when working in ER, trauma and air-evac there were many times i saw patients writhing in pain and now i am that person.  sometimes the pain comes  and i try to stay very still, maybe if i am very still it will go away.  other times it comes and i have to move, at first i shake my legs.  he knows without me saying how bad the pain is.

on our way to the bookstore i reach over and take his hand; “you know things are moving forward right?”  he swallows harder than normal and says yes.  the truth is i now need about 12 hours of sleep and remain exhausted the other 12.  my normal routine would have been jumping up the minute my eyes opened and heading for the shower.  now the shower is some daunting task that is going to deplete my already low energy.  how do you explain that you can feel your heart giving up?  i feel it struggle to beat, i feel life gently flowing out of me like some ocean tide.

there are things that i have not said.  there are things you have to experience to really understand.  there are things i may never say, except here.


Permalink 7 Comments

%d bloggers like this: