September 30, 2012 at 12:58 am (dying, end stage, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die) (, , , , )

there are things that i have left unsaid.  earlier i was reading the blog of someone whose daughter is terminally ill.  she made the remark her daughter thinks she can’t handle the complete truth about her pain.  it made me start thinking of how i too hide the brutality of the pain i endure day-to-day.  is it due to his lack of understanding? i would have to say yes and no.  can someone who is healthy and never had any type of injury really understand or empathise with this kind of pain?

what will be gained if i were to bare not only my soul but this thing that is a part of me.  he already worries, do i want to burden him further?  i love this man and know that he is making every effort to make sure i have joy in my life every day.  it is in his eyes, the way they get moist or dewy. it is in his face, the way he goes all soft and turns just a bit away.  it is in the hand that reaches out to me.  we sit and hold hands. yes i have things that are unsaid.

at times the pain is almost more than i can bear.  when working in ER, trauma and air-evac there were many times i saw patients writhing in pain and now i am that person.  sometimes the pain comes  and i try to stay very still, maybe if i am very still it will go away.  other times it comes and i have to move, at first i shake my legs.  he knows without me saying how bad the pain is.

on our way to the bookstore i reach over and take his hand; “you know things are moving forward right?”  he swallows harder than normal and says yes.  the truth is i now need about 12 hours of sleep and remain exhausted the other 12.  my normal routine would have been jumping up the minute my eyes opened and heading for the shower.  now the shower is some daunting task that is going to deplete my already low energy.  how do you explain that you can feel your heart giving up?  i feel it struggle to beat, i feel life gently flowing out of me like some ocean tide.

there are things that i have not said.  there are things you have to experience to really understand.  there are things i may never say, except here.



  1. jmgoyder said,

    So I guess he doesn’t read your blog? This post had me on my knees with prayerful tears for you. I don’t know what to say to help.

    • sbcallahan said,

      he does not read it now. the first reason is he is not computer literate. i usually do all the things we need to do online. secondly i think he wants to wait and have them to read after i am gone. in the beginning he would ask me to print out what i was writing, then he said he wanted to read them later. maybe it is to have something after i am gone or maybe it is just too difficult to bear right now.

      i do think leaving some things unsaid is ok. for us i know he understands and it is something he can’t do anything about. that is hard enough. i don’t want him to go through anymore pain than is absolutely necessary.

      there is nothing to say my friend. knowing you are there and care means more than you know. thank you so much for your kindness. it is truly a gift:)

  2. tersiaburger said,

    I have nominated you for the Lovely Bloggers Award. I wanted to acknowledge how much I appreciate your blog. Thank you for sharing your journey. I have learnt so much from you!. http://tersiaburger.com/2012/09/29/lovely-blog-award

    • sbcallahan said,

      thank you for nominating me. although in total honesty i don’t think i can be compared to bloggers like you. it is enough to know that someone like you takes the time to read my offerings. i have been blessed to have people like you share with me and others your journey.

  3. appletonavenue said,

    The love and compassion you feel for your husband is obvious. I don’t think all things need to be said. I’m sure he knows you feel worse than you show, and knows the reason why you don’t say anything.

    • sbcallahan said,

      thank you so much! i think he does know and while some may think expressing it is necessary, i just don’t think it is the right choice for us. last night we were talking and there are some decisions we are going to be making. he was asking me what i wanted and i told him we need to think about what he can live with. i understand that whatever decisions are made he is the one who will have to live with them. i will be gone and it won’t matter to me. as i told him last night, some may think because they are dying it is all about them, in my opinion it is all about him. he is the one who will live everyday with how we dealt with this and how it ended.

      • appletonavenue said,

        I think you guys have a very special relationship. 🙂

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