a different kind of night

October 26, 2012 at 3:03 am (dying, holidays, how does it feel to die, leaving, living, living with dying, peace of heart, shackelford ponies, the dr. says, waiting) (, , , , , , , )

tonight is very different from just a few nights ago.  my sister is stretched out on the couch and is leaving tomorrow.  yesterday we went to see Argo with ben affleck and it was gripping.   as we walked up to the counter to pay she turned to us and said “i can pay for myself.”  of course she can, she has a great job, travels, lives in san francisco on her own.  she has a ton of friends and an on-off boyfriend.  i don’t have any reason to worry about her, well …. except she is my baby sister and  lives on her own in san francisco!

 this evening we spent together took me from the moment, to the past and the future.  in that moment i realized she is going to be fine.  a few years ago she came to stay with us, at the time she was going through an awful lot of emotional turmoil.  we were sort of a resting place, a place for her to make some decisions about what she wanted to do without the stress.  since i was 14 when she was born and the mother  really turned her over to me, i have a very protective love for her.  hearing her say she could pay for herself brought me back to the moment and i was so proud of her. 

the down side is it feels like letting go of that baby girl i first held, the girl who called me in germany to tell me about the boys she liked, the time she had a fight with her boyfriend and through her tears came to my lap to sit and cry.  the upside is i can go and know that she will be okay.

knowing that everyone is going to be okay is important.  my sister has said and it is so true, we are good, we have said  everything we need to say.  our calls end with i love you so when i go there is no doubt that we have a good relationship.  my husband will be sad but he is going to be okay.  my step-friends will be sad and they will stand by their dad and help him if they need to.  my friends know that i care about them and that if something needed to be said i would have said it.

so now, more than ever, we are just waiting.  while i am waiting i think i will go to the ocean and see the wild ponies. then we will have a big family thanksgiving, after that a cruise to the islands, and round out the year with the traditional Christmas in charleston!  this very well may be my last one and if it is i am going out with a bang:)  life is good, yeah life is real good!


  1. jmgoyder said,

    Your acceptance is a gift.

    • sbcallahan said,

      not sure i understand but thank you:)

      • jmgoyder said,

        Sorry – I meant that your acceptance of things as they are and the beautiful way you speak of death and dying is a gift to your family and to us. I think you are absolutely wonderful and I would like to be like you.

  2. Angie, also known as "YS" :) said,

    Well, the movie and popcorn was only $8.50 so don’t get too comfortable with the thought that you’re not needed 🙂 Thanks in great part to you I’ve definitely come along way these last few years. I love you and miss you already.

    • sbcallahan said,

      hey i forgot to mention dinner! that was so sweet of you and we appreciated it.

  3. appletonavenue said,

    Sometimes I am amazed at how much you worry and care about those people who you will leave. You seem more concerned with how they are than how you are. That is a brave and wonderful thing.

    • sbcallahan said,

      not so much brave but thank you. i would hope to never stop caring about those i love, especially now!

    • Angie, also known as "YS" :) said,

      Caring and putting others first is who my sister has been her whole life. That’s why she doesn’t realize this is something special, unique, or even brave. This is her natural self…everyday.

  4. tersiaburger said,

    You are a very caring person! I am so pleased you had a good visit with your sister and that you are at peace about her.

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