he asks

November 8, 2012 at 12:25 am (dying, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, living with dying, peace of heart) (, , , , , )

last evening and night were one of the most difficult yet.  even with the excitement of the presidential election to distract me the angina pain, liver pain, leg pain and inability to breathe could not be denied.

he reached and held my hand. no words were necessary.  the warmth coming from his beautiful, loving hands said all that needed to be said.  love you’s as deep as the well and passionate as young love flowed from one side of the lounger to the other.

today in the car he asks “is there anything i can do when you are going through that?”  the answer? you are already doing it.  the comfort of your love is the only medicine i need now. it is the only medicine that can bring real relief from this eternal pain.  we both know this is what is supposed to happen.  that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stink! as a mist comes over his eyes and i fear he is going to cry….

look honey aren’t the trees amazing this time of year?  wow what a great day!






and just like that we are back to us and appreciating this day we have been gifted.


  1. jmgoyder said,

    Is there no medication to thwart the pain?

    • sbcallahan said,

      there is nothing that will let me participate in life and have relief. so at this point i am going for being lucid over some so-so pain relief. who knows how long before i cave. when the time comes i plan to take advantage of whatever is available to me. just my personal choice right now.

  2. appletonavenue said,

    Another beautiful post. I hope to reach my last years with as much dignity, and starting now. Thank you for helping to make me a better person.

  3. tersiaburger said,

    Vic has 100% better quality of life since her pain is under control. We discovered, through the expertise of a wonderful palliative care team that Vic’s body did not absorb monstrous quantities of morphine! Now she is functioning and LIVING! Sandra please consider palliative care. It tore at my heart reading how much pain you are in. The pain was killing Vic… Palliative care has given her life.

    • sbcallahan said,

      left long and boring answer to your kind concerns on your blog, sorry. palliative care is a wonder and i strongly recommend it. thank you for your concern dear friend.

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