no words of wisdom here either

November 30, 2012 at 12:10 am (bravery, death with dignity, dying, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the comeback, the dr. says, words of wisdom) (, , , , , )

today i had the opportunity to read a blog written by the brother of the comeback.  i was not surprised to see that craig is as talented as his brother shane.  what did jump out at me was his declaration that he had no words of wisdom.  some of us do feel as though the healthy community looks at us to have answers to questions we all have, in addition many of us feel as though we have to be strong for others. it is up to us to make sure that the healthy friends and family are not made to feel guilty when they are not being the kind support we need.  we are taxed with supporting them through their angst over our imminent death.

this is not like most of my blogs and i am not sure why.  reading craig’s blog made me start thinking about the reversal of support.  should someone make the sacrifice of coming by to see us? they have things to do and places to be don’t they?  our healthy friends and family can’t be expected to actually go through that uncomfortable visit when they could be doing something fun should they?  i know that we the dying make the choice to smile and be supportive or acknowledge just how selfish we can be.

no we are not selfish and neither are the ones who love us.  another friend wrote about the burden of love, the weight of it.  there are times when i wonder how my love stops himself from walking out the door and never looking back.  i do love him so it comes easy to support his need to be away from time to time.  actually he would, he says, be fine with staying here with me just in case.

tuesday i was experiencing so much pain that i went to the dr.  my dr says this would be a good time to go in the hospital. he felt this was an appropriate action.  he also knows me and said, after seeing the look on my face, we could do all the tests that day and get the results in a day or two. if i were in the hospital he felt things would move faster.  in the end we decided to go outpatient.  wednesday i was feeling a little better so we went out.  sitting across from each other, chris shares he is concerned we are not being prudent to go on a cruise.  after a moment of thought i responded…. i am going to die somewhere so why not on a cruise?  the blank look on his face is not a new one with me.  he says ok. guess i will figure it out if it happens.  my point is i don’t want to sit at home waiting for death to come.

turns out i probably passed a kidney stone and my liver is getting worse.  the good news is we are leaving next sunday for a 7 day cruise.  i will not have to be strong and wise. he will not have to be strong and wise.  we can be two sweethearts sharing an unforgettable experience.  i am feeling wiser already!

 

 

9 Comments

  1. jmgoyder said,

    I read this carefully, then re-read it – very hard for me to come to terms with what you have already come to terms with – dying. It isn’t such a scary word when you, yourself, say it, but it’s also a terrifying word. I don’t really know what I am trying to say here except that I applaud you and your sweetheart for sharing this heart-wrenching but strangely victorious journey.

    • sbcallahan said,

      it is the idea that scares us not the word. the idea of jumping out of a plane is frightening to some yet millions have done it and millions more will do it. guess what i am saying is you can jump and enjoy the rush or think about it and maybe decide not to do it. of course with dying we can’t exactly say no, not today.

      when i was working we took an alaska cruise and it was the best vacation ever! usually there is no really getting away from problems and phones. out on the open water it is so much harder for anyone to reach you. we don’t have too much stress any more however, the rentals can feel stressful. it seems like we go for months with no problems then BAM out of nowhere all of them go wrong. not that i am complaining, we are fortunate to have the extra income.

  2. grannyscolorful said,

    You touch my heart… you just touch a deep place inside my heart where no words can say just how I ‘feel’ reading your blog. I think you can sense it’s in such a special way. :))) Love, Granny Gee/Gloria

    • sbcallahan said,

      thank you for your kind words. i feel as though i have found a kindred spirit.

      • grannyscolorful said,

        So, do I. We have more in common than you know… I will write about it later. Yes, we are kindred spirits… doesn’t it just mean the whole world when that happens? Special, most special. :)))

  3. maggiebea said,

    Wishing you a delightful voyage and a renewed sense of wonder!

    • sbcallahan said,

      we are both so excited and looking forward to new places to explore. thank you kind, sweet spirit for your words.

  4. tersiaburger said,

    Sandra you are so brave. There is so much synergy between your and Vic’s journeys. My heart aches for you and your Chris. I hope your have a wonderful time! Go make memories!!

    • sbcallahan said,

      we are like newlyweds going on our honeymoon! sometimes my sister teases us about our affection for each other. you know what it is like to have such love. your husband seems so kind, compassionate and loving.

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