the expiration date is looming

January 10, 2013 at 1:13 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

if i were a can of tuna no one would take me off the shelf.  heck i would put me back on the shelf.  when first given this news i remember thinking … well 5 yrs. isn’t tomorrow, the other thought was a rather defiant.. what do they know?  even  as someone who worked in research and having tremendous respect for data, i know that there is always an exception. well almost always. if you jump off a 20 story building i don’t think you are going to beat those odds.   so when i was first diagnosed with congestive heart failure the research  cardiologist brought out the reports to show me no one survives beyond the 5th year.  so that was 2008.  this is 2013, easy math.  i received this news on my birthday and that is 5 mos. from now.

a few things going through my mind as a result of this.  i want to have my defibrillator turned off. this is just a matter of when and not if.  if it is off there is a great chance i will just go to sleep and not wake up.  that would be my first choice.  there are other matters to consider and i feel that i have to make some choices on my own and not involve family or friends.  one of the blogs i read regularly is written by a woman whose daughter is dying. not just in the someday realm but in the very real now time.  tersia’s ability to share what she, her daughter and the rest of their family are going through has been of great benefit to me.  not only have i come to care very deeply about them i have come to see another side of this coin.  what we the dying choose greatly affects those we love and care for.  vic does not want to be sedated during these final hours and i can certainly understand how she feels. i might have even made the same choice.  now i am going to make sure my husband and family know that i do want sedation.   i am making this decision now in my present frame of mind.  who knows what i will think in the throes of my last hours?  it seems easier now to let everyone know my choice and i think it will be easier for me later to have in mind and abide by it.

other blogs have touched me and given me insight for which i am grateful.  when reading of a husband who is much-loved and loving , drives his beloved to tears, my heart has broken for them and i felt sure this loving husband would not want to cause such pain.   as much as i made every effort to anticipate issues that would create discomfort or pain, there has been much to learn from these generous of spirit women.  in writing for themselves they have made my path smoother.  in their pain, hopefully, my own family will endure less.  i want my family and loved ones to know, although i would prefer to die at home, i want what is best for them.

it is obvious he is thinking about this expiration date.  he makes as many plans as possible.  after december we had agreed to take a break and get some rest.  right away he started making plans and is pushing to make reservations over the next couple of months.  for a healthy person a trip every 6-8 weeks would be fun and it is fun to think about.  when it comes time to go, the reality of how tiring it all is comes crashing in.  i will try to make some of the trips and add to our memories, we have some friends coming from out-of-state in a couple of weeks.  i am looking forward to that.  we may go away for valentine day and if we are going to cumberland island it will need to be soon.  as far as the expiration date goes i know that it is down the road, i just don’t know how many curves are going to be along the way.

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