January 12, 2013 at 2:11 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

when hours turn into days, they seem to break me.  no sleep last night after a frustrating day of pain and itching.  today drifting in and out but never quite out all the way.  giving in to pain medication and not receiving the relief i had hoped for.   my eyes become like the lips of a woman in the sahara, so dry and swollen i expect them to crack open and bleed.  though i can’t hold my eyes open neither can i sleep.  the way my mind moves through this time restlessness.  why can’t i just drift off to sleep and give my body and mind a chance to re-energize?  it seems this would be the most natural thing to do.  the rash over my entire body constantly itches, burns and shows no sign of healing any time soon.  as i am trying to stay as still as humanly possible there is no way to not scratch. when i do although there is some relief of the itching my skin is bleeding and painful to the touch.  my mind tells my body to stay still, quiet your mind and let yourself drift. wherever your mind takes you, go with it, let it comfort you/amuse you.

the thoughts run the gamut of topics from – the meaning of life, or having a life of meaning all the way to the email received earlier from a dear friend.  my legs are so painful i can’t be still.  the only ease comes from moving them about.  all of this is going on and i am desperate to protect my love as he lies sleeping beside me.  it crosses my mind that there may be a time when we can no longer sleep together.  this breaks my heart.  the pain, the lack of sleep, even the final stages waiting for me don’t bring the deep sense of sadness that this one thought brings me.  strange to think this is what i fear.  it is not just knowing we may lose the intimacy i hold so dear. more importantly i am concerned i won’t see that it is time and  feel certain that he will not say what he needs.  the knowledge i could unintentionally make things more difficult for someone i love is difficult to bear.

my hope for tonight is very simple.  just sleep, even for a few hours.  longer term my hope is to recognize when/if the time comes to make the adjustments needed and not let husband suffer in silence.  tomorrow will be a better day and if i can’t be still tonight i will get up and sleep on my own.  he deserves a good night rest. he deserves a wife who knows he will not speak out and doesn’t take advantage of his caring.

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