it does not come naturally

February 23, 2014 at 10:29 am (death with dignity, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, life is random, living with dying, the dr. says)

i so wish that writing about myself came naturally. it would certainly make writing this blog so much easier.  it isn’t just writing though, i don’t particularly like talking about myself either. i like listening. that is what made me a good nurse and therapist.  there are times i try too hard to be social and that can be awkward. i end up feeling like a bore.  i am happy to sit quietly for hours.  sometimes i realize that this attracts people who love to talk and some like very much to talk about themselves.

understanding where a behavior originates can be helpful when wanting to change that behavior or for me to simply explain to myself or other’s why i am this way.  when seeing patients it was usually clear if they needed to know the origin in order to make changes.  psychoanalysis never appealed to me though.  to listen for years to the same conversation with the hope that eventually the patient would realize when, where and under what circumstances a behavior or habit started, was my idea of hell.

insight is a beautiful thing though and so i started thinking about my avoidance to say too much about myself.  the quick answer was i have always been this way and to a certain extent this is true.  my grandmother used to assure adults that when i had something to say, i would say it.  i grew up keeping quiet about things as not to upset my mother.  if she thought i was happy and asked me questions i knew it was going to be trouble.  i was a very serious child. laughter could mean her coming after me to make sure i had nothing to laugh about.

so the habit was formed. as a nurse and a therapist we do not share about our private lives.  our job was to be caring and not cared for.  this was our patients time to be heard.

i will admit that once i started writing this blog it became easier to write about myself as this is for my family and friends to have a record of this time.  to share with my grandchildren what i want them to know, when they grow up, who i was and how i coped.

after being away for a bit i am finding it hard to get back in the groove.  the trip to california was way too much and showed me what my limits are. even now i am not sure i have recovered nor am i sure i ever will.  would this change have happened regardless? my guess is it likely would have.

i have missed coming here. it was becoming more enjoyable and i looked forward to those who take time from their own busy life to listen to me.  of course my love listens to me. it took quite a bit to trust that he wanted to hear what i have to say.  he is so fascinating.   after all these years i can sit and listen to him as long as he wants.

or we can sit in quiet, just content to be in the same room with each other.  it is that way with my sister as well.  she can make me laugh til i cry, we can just sit and hang out.  my step-daughters are the same way and i can’t tell you how much this means to me.  i just started thinking of the people in my life that i have this with. my guy joe, we worked together in calif, never balked at the times i would just come to his office and say what i had to then say, ok I’m done.  i would then get up and walk away.  or i might come in and sit knowing he would start telling me stories or share information. i loved listening to joe. still do…

i have no doubt that the people who are my friends are so in spite of me and not because of me.  my family accepts me as i am and that is a gift above and beyond:)  hope i haven’t droned on too long.  you are all so kind and gracious.  i appreciate you, i love you and know i am blessed.  the whole heart thing is going as well as can be expected.  so far it is still beating.  sometimes i wonder how it does it but mostly i am just in wonder.  i have never been happier than i am right now.  life is just so good.

 

20 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    Hun you can talk all you like! 🙂

    Life can be full of woes, or full of better days – and we all have the choice! 🙂

    A friend of mine went to a job interview and the interviewer put a glass half filled with water on the desk and asked: “Do you see this glass as half empty or half full?”

    My friend took the glass, drank the water and said: “Neither – I’m a problem solver!”

    He didn’t get the job, but he came close… 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      your friend the problem solver is genius! you are always a bright spot in my day dear friend:)

      • prenin said,

        Love you too Sandy! 🙂

        Huge hugs always! 🙂

        Prenin.

  2. appletonavenue said,

    Thank you for continuing to come here. You have become a part of my life and I have come to care about you; such a wise, caring human being, with so much love for life and those around you. You have enriched my life, and I miss you when you don’t blog.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i really miss my friends here when i am not feeling up to blogging. the best thing for me is i can read your blog and keep up with all your advances and warm by your fire, fire lit with the passion of caring and love.

      • appletonavenue said,

        Thank you for saying so. Hope you are well. At least as well as you can be.

  3. maggiebea said,

    I am glad life is good, though sorry the California trip was so draining. I love reading about the sharing relationship you have with your love. Sounds like such a caring, open person. Wishing you plenty of love and light.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i don’t regret taking the triip to california even though it was physically draining. sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith. seeing my sister was amazing! chris was wonderful and took such great care of me i felt like crying at times. i can’t imagine how different things would be for me if he weren’t here. i am keeping up with your journey and know you need to get that application in so you can have smoother waters on you voyage. i think of you often and send my dearest wish that you find peace of heart.

  4. jmgoyder said,

    Well I love listening to you!

    • s blake callahan said,

      you are the sweetest person ever! with all that you have going on in your life it amazes me you find the time to comment and care. sending you big warm hugs my friend

      • jmgoyder said,

        I don’t have anything compared to what you have going on!

      • s blake callahan said,

        oh julie you are so giving in spirit! my life is not nearly as demanding as yours. there are times i just wonder how you manage and wish you had a bit more support. at times it seems as though adjustments are being made by the men in your life and then out of nowhere they revert to churlish children:) then again maybe they all do that regardless of their situation, hahaha

  5. Laurie said,

    Welcome back. I have missed you.
    You do not bore.
    I’m glad you share your life, here. Thank you.

    • s blake callahan said,

      not sure i am back as i may be going in the hospital in the next few days. finding the acceptance and care i have here means more than you can know. i do hope i never bore. it is hard to think any other way though. i am just not an interesting person. it has been very unexpected to find friends here but i am grateful.

  6. Al & Alice said,

    I can’t tell how good it is to see you back and, no, the blog was not too long. I have never actually met you, but based on what has come across in your words, I have to take exception to your conclusion that a person is your friend in spite of you. I think you and I are both learning the lesson that the more we share of ourselves, the closer we allow people to get. This can be little scary. It’s people like you that risk that helps me to risk and reach out to others and I really need to do that. Isn’t it amazing that at our age we are still works in process. Take care until next time.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i think we are a work in progress until our last breath. i love hearing from the two of you. we seem to have a lot in common. last week when we were out i was telling chris about you two liking barnes and noble. we try to go there whenever i am feeling like getting out. as much as i hate to hear of someone else going through this it is a comfort to know a couple that handles the same situation with such love for each other.

  7. Syl Miller-Davenport said,

    You are truly an amazing woman! I’m so glad I have the pleasure of knowing you. Love and hugs, Syl

    • s blake callahan said,

      funny syl that is what i think of you. i feel like having the chance to know you has been such a blessing. you have such a warm and caring spirit. love and hugs to you my friend

  8. tersiaburger said,

    I am so sorry you are not doing to well. I am always so happy to see a post from you because it means you are okay. Hospital is a good idea. I know you hate the thought but fortunately I saw on Facebook you are on your way home. I am so delighted for you. Gentle friend, we all love your blog. We love that you allow us on this part of your final journey. We care. It is important that you are LIVING. I admire you and am grateful that I got to know you. Much love dear friend.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i think of you every day and look forward to your posts. i couldn’t help but smile at the pics of you and your family. thanks for sharing your joy with us. i have more in my heart to say but can’t find the words right now. just know that i send love and hugs

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