but first i have to help take out the recycle

March 11, 2014 at 9:33 am (end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the dr. says)

some days i don’t feel well. maybe i have a tremendous amount of pain or just have so little energy i am a puddle on the floor.

my eyes open and i realize it is early. i also realize that i can get up fairly easily.  this is when the list begins. oh the list may form on other days but i know the list will wait for a day like today.

mail a package to my granddaughter-in-law and hope she gets it before the baby comes in just a few days now.  pick up a prescription. call and make an appointment. start putting in eye drops for chris, he is having cataract surgery in a few days.  the windshield has a small ding that will need to be stopped before it gets worse.  don’t forget we need to go over to the rental, put up ads online.

new carpet will be needed for the rental. and so it goes as it does for you.  the difference maybe is that i am dying.  the thing we have in common is as long as we are living things will need to get done.

these are some of the things i let worry me.  who will make these lists and make sure they are done?  if left on his own he has a difficult time finding direction.  this is one of those things that i love and become frustrated with at times.  reading, drinking coffee, watching old movies and playing bridge or poker are much higher on his list than a clean house or garage.  it has fallen to me to be a bit of a taskmaster.  at times he will balk at this, i have found a way to make him laugh and at the same time see the need to put those things aside for a moment.

he is a big “recycler” and in california it was so easy.  they gave you plastic bins that were labeled and all he had to do was sit them on the curb once a week.  in georgia he gathers the recycle in our garage, no bins, just sort of thrown in the area beside my car. when i can’t take it anymore he loads it up in the rav and takes it to the recycle facility.  there he has to sort it again since he has put it all in big plastic bags.  the trick here is he has yet to take ALL the recycle.

i wake, it is early, i am making my list.  i am dying from heart failure.  we were reminded a couple of weeks ago that my time is winding down.  but first i have to help him gather and load up the recycle.  as long as we are living, we the living will have chores that need to be done.  i don’t mind, i don’t want to run out of errands to run or the simple things that give me purpose in life.

058at the most photographed view in yosemite. they were the view i cared about most.


  1. Judy said,

    I’m sending good thoughts for Chris having cataract surgery. As far as what you wrote, somehow Sandra you make the ordinary – extraordinary. Long after you are gone, your words will be here to inspire and remind us what is truly important. Thank you for inspiring me to appreciate my life and my ability to do those simple tasks. Wish you weren’t in pain and that you had more quality time – no one deserves it more!

    • s blake callahan said,

      chris is doing really well after his eye surgery and will have the second one may 1st.

      you always say such nice things and i feel i don’t quite live up to the praise but want you to know how touching it is to me.

      i never think about what i deserve as i don’t think the world works that way. we all just have our own path to walk and do the best we can along the way.

  2. appletonavenue said,

    It’s good to concentrate on the little things.

  3. jmgoyder said,

    I read this earlier then got waylaid!

  4. tersiaburger said,

    Vic was the ultimate list maker…. She too worried because I am less organised than she was…Hugs and stop worrying. Live the day as you always do!

    • s blake callahan said,

      actually once i write about any worries here i am done with them. i know my friends here will help me carry my worries.

  5. Al & Alice said,

    A number of points you made really hit home for us. Alice sometimes feels like a “puddle on the floor”. Alice nodded her head about the comment that if you are alive there are chores to be done. I also find there are times that I just don’t give a damn if they are done, just want to sit on the back porch or beach and get lost in a book. But Alice, on the other hand, will try to do things whenever she can scrape together enough energy to do them. By the way, may be a silly question, but is that you and Chris in the picture?

    • s blake callahan said,

      we are very laid back and seldom feel the pressure to get chores done. other times when we have to get our taxes together, take care of burst pipes or other pressing matters we try to move into gear.

      not a silly question, i should have labeled it. that is a picture of my two favorite people in this world, chris and my sister angie. i wish i was that young and pretty!

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