no one else

March 13, 2014 at 4:04 pm (end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, support system, the dr. says)

chris had cataract surgery today. we started doing his drops on monday. it sounds easier than it is though.  every time i tried to get him as comfy as possible. the pillow just so behind his neck supporting it so the head would naturally drop backward.

almost immediately he would start saying “wait, wait, wait a minute.”  i would wait.  are you ready honey? ok go ahead. he squeezes his eyes shut so tight that i cannot pry them apart. sweetie you need to relax, what can i do to help?  just give me a minute. so about 5 minutes go by and i say “wanna try again?”  ok.

when we are done and he is laying on the bed letting the eye drops settle we joke a bit about the challenge.  he is looking at the ceiling and says so softly i almost miss it. “i will be a mess if you leave me.”  i start to re-assure him that he will be fine. he stops me. “no, i will not be fine.  i will be a mess and you won’t be here to fix things.”

i am here now and that is all any of us know for sure.  this isn’t what he wants to hear but it is all i have.  my love will be with him for his life-time. other’s can put in his drops if needed.  other’s can even love him. no one else can love him the same as me because we have a history that no one else has.

13 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    Hi Sandy! 🙂

    Finally managed to access your blog using the https:// prefix.

    I feel for Chris – I CANNOT tolerate anything near my eyes!!! 😦

    Obviously I’ll never have contact lenses!!! 🙂

    Glad he had the surgery though: My mum had hers done and my step-dad Hugh is also due for treatment, so I know it is a relatively simple procedure! 🙂

    Give Chris a hug from me – To do something when you are afraid of it is what true courage is about! 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs Sandy!!! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i gave him all of your positive and supportive messages. he really appreciated your care.

      we send love and hugs to you dear man

  2. Terry said,

    That was so beautiful, brought a tear to my eye

  3. appletonavenue said,

    You are truly blessed in your love for each other. He is right in his belief he will be a mess. You wouldn’t want him to not feel the lack of your presence, would you? It is heartrending to read your tale of devotion.

    (A hint about the eyedrops: Have him lay flat and drop them into the corner of the eye (tear ducts), then he can easily tip his head left and right and the drops will cover the eye.)

    • s blake callahan said,

      i am torn when i think about him feeling my absence. most likely because it makes me sad to think there is nothing i can do to stop him suffering when i am gone.

      • appletonavenue said,

        I suppose that is part of acceptance of things we cannot change.

  4. jmgoyder said,

    This broke my heart.

  5. Susan said,

    What a sweet love story!

    • s blake callahan said,

      we have been blessed in our love for each other and those in our life. thank you for your comment

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