in the land of exhaustion

April 1, 2014 at 2:20 pm (dying, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the dr. says)

blogging from the land of exhaustion is more difficult than i have words to convey.  even keeping up with comments and reading the blogs i love is more than i can expect of myself on most days.

my eyes are open but my body argues that it is not time to get up.  need to go to the bathroom? just wait a few minutes, the urge may pass and i can just keep lying here.  stay still and you will be rewarded with nothing more than the pain in your entire body.  i am now paying for falling off of that cliff when i was young and dumb.  that is not the only pain though.  some days i can literally feel my kidneys struggling to work.  they let me know with the pain in my back and occasional fever that they are doing their best but time is not on our side.

my darling man feels lonely and that hurts me more than the physical pain.  i encourage him to do things without me but he will not have it.  so i will move this reluctant  body to the living room.  in the living room we live, in the living room we are not dying.  just being in the recliner next to him is enough for today.  some days he wants to be out and i will move this weary body and mind to go with him.  all he needs or wants from me is  a few hours out. that is not so much to want.  it is at times more than i can do and he waits for the time when i manage it.

planning to visit charleston in a few weeks, i love seeing our family and spending time with them all. there is so much energy and love there.  i ask myself how i will do this but my mind answers “i don’t care, we just will” and so we will.

in the land of exhaustion i write a blog when i can.  plan trips with him when  i can.  love and am grateful for all my blessings.  in the land of exhaustion i have to stop now and try to use what little i have to give to give this moment to him.  in the end that is what we have, our moments.

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