in the land of exhaustion

April 1, 2014 at 2:20 pm (dying, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the dr. says)

blogging from the land of exhaustion is more difficult than i have words to convey.  even keeping up with comments and reading the blogs i love is more than i can expect of myself on most days.

my eyes are open but my body argues that it is not time to get up.  need to go to the bathroom? just wait a few minutes, the urge may pass and i can just keep lying here.  stay still and you will be rewarded with nothing more than the pain in your entire body.  i am now paying for falling off of that cliff when i was young and dumb.  that is not the only pain though.  some days i can literally feel my kidneys struggling to work.  they let me know with the pain in my back and occasional fever that they are doing their best but time is not on our side.

my darling man feels lonely and that hurts me more than the physical pain.  i encourage him to do things without me but he will not have it.  so i will move this reluctant  body to the living room.  in the living room we live, in the living room we are not dying.  just being in the recliner next to him is enough for today.  some days he wants to be out and i will move this weary body and mind to go with him.  all he needs or wants from me is  a few hours out. that is not so much to want.  it is at times more than i can do and he waits for the time when i manage it.

planning to visit charleston in a few weeks, i love seeing our family and spending time with them all. there is so much energy and love there.  i ask myself how i will do this but my mind answers “i don’t care, we just will” and so we will.

in the land of exhaustion i write a blog when i can.  plan trips with him when  i can.  love and am grateful for all my blessings.  in the land of exhaustion i have to stop now and try to use what little i have to give to give this moment to him.  in the end that is what we have, our moments.

9 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    Oh Sandy I feel so helpless knowing you are hurting and I can do nothing to help! 😦

    Truly Chris is a treasure! 🙂

    Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog! 🙂

    The Art group are all ill people with a variety of illnesses, but they are lovely folk and we get on well! 🙂

    I made six attempts at drawing pictures.

    Four were dreadful and erased, but the last two were creditable pictures and have been saved for the future! 🙂

    It was very difficult drawing them though and it is 30 years and more since I drew anything so it was hard, but I surprised Peter the guy in charge!!! 🙂

    Doug is getting worse.

    Today I ran into him as I was chatting to one of the electricians and Doug said he has to get a job soon or he is going to hurt somebody.

    The jibe was meant as a threat to me, but I just shrugged it off.

    So far he has just been a mouth and no trousers… 🙂

    Doug is very controlling, so by shrugging it off and ignoring him I frustrate him and his efforts to dominate me.

    Even so he’s getting steadily worse and I do not see a good end coming from this. 😦

    Hard to believe I saved his life when he set fire to his flat, but I got no thanks for it… 😦

    Our Mothers day is also different in European countries, but I don’t care as long as I can make my mum feel special!!! 🙂

    The time change thing is weird, in fact they are talking about stopping using it, but politicians DO like to meddle… 🙂

    Hope you have a good week my friend! 🙂

    Love and hugs to you and Chris! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i am just so happy for you! it is great to think of you excited to go out.

      your mum is one lucky lady to have a son like you. you are so considerate and loving.

      i so appreciate you sharing your insights with me and other’s. if i couldn’t read your blog each day i would sorely miss you!

      love and hugs to you from chris and me:)

  2. appletonavenue said,

    Beautifully said.

  3. maggiebea said,

    Sending you love, light and energy for the days ahead.

  4. jmgoyder said,

    I cannot even imagine this kind of exhaustion, Sandra, but I felt a tiny bit of it just in reading your heroic post. You are so beautiful in the way you describe being with Chris and I can understand your worrying that he is okay. I think you are the strongest person I have ever known. Sending love and prayers for continued strength in the face of such illness. Julie xxx

    • s blake callahan said,

      we are a funny pair you know? right? you write about your trip with ants and i can feel the strain in your body and then to return home to have one of your epic “discussions” with ming and i want to lay on the floor and ask the universe to give you a break! i think of the years ahead for you and i just want to ask when you are going to have a chance to relax and have some fun. you have my love and warm hugs my friend

      • jmgoyder said,

        I was telling my mother yesterday that you and I were a funny pair too!

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