i just couldn’t do it

April 12, 2014 at 4:04 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

this morning i realized i just could not make myself go to the g.i. dr.

for hours i tried to go over the reasons for the visit and it just came back again and again to what will be gained by this?  i have an appointment with an oncologist (they do blood work) on the 21st and i am hoping to get the transfusions scheduled without much ado.

if i get the transfusions and go another 5 years without a problem then what the heck?  if i really have to see the g.i. guy then i will.  the idea of more tests that lead to nothing just aren’t on my bucket list.

of course chris was surprised and concerned.  i am sure we will have more conversations about this but for now i can distract him with taxes, our granddaughter’s birthday and our impending visit to charleston.

oh charleston, we need you now.  it is 5 a.m. and i am going to bed.  i am hoping to sleep.  i am hoping my uncle will not come to me in my dreams wanting me to get on the plane with him.  a few days ago he said he would wait and then he smiled as though he knew something i didn’t.  of course he knows a lot of things i don’t know.  he passed a few years ago.  someday i will tell you about him.  for now i will just say he loved his family and he was a good man.  but i am not ready to get on that plane with him no matter how nice he is:)

25 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    Hope you have a great time in Charleston my friend! 🙂

    I won’t be getting on a plane any time soon either – motorbikes are bad enough!!! 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      we leave next wednesday and will get to see 2 of our grandchildren. something i always look forward to.

      love and hugs to you my friend

      • Al & Alice said,

        Thanks. I will probably take you up on your offer. Will try to write before you leave for Charleston. If I don’t, have a wonderful trip and try not to exhaust yourself too much. But, I think that is like suggesting to Alice that she not push too hard. Take care.

      • s blake callahan said,

        i have been thinking about you and alice and hoping that your silence does not mean something is worse. charleston was not what i had hoped for but i don’t regret going. chris was able to spend some time with the kids and that was important. hoping to hear from you soon

  2. jmgoyder said,

    I think only you know what is the right thing to do for yourself, Sandra. Sending much love.

    • s blake callahan said,

      we never really know how things would have turned out once we choose a path do we? i can only hope that i don’t look back and see this as a moment of mistake. not that i am inclined to think that way. we just do the best we can and hope for the best. your support really means so much to me and i hope you know that. sending love and hugs to you my friend

      • jmgoyder said,

        You really do inspire me, Sandra. One of the things your blog does is to get people thinking about mortality and that is a great thing because most people are too scared to face it. You take the fear away. Much love, Juliexxx

      • s blake callahan said,

        oh thank you so much my friend. i find myself a bit confused when people insist that i am afraid. people do have a tendency to project their own feelings on others. thank you for the love and support. love and hugs

      • jmgoyder said,

        I find it so weird that people project their own feelings on you when you are so totally together!

      • s blake callahan said,

        thank you for the validation! i know i am not “totally together” yet i do think i know what i feel. i know what i fear and this is just not one of those things.

      • jmgoyder said,

        I admire you so much!

      • s blake callahan said,

        i wish i deserved such an honored compliment. thank you for your kind words!

  3. Al & Alice said,

    In my opinion, smart decisions on all points. I haven’t written to you in a while since things haven’t been going too well here either. Take care until next time

    • s blake callahan said,

      al i am so sorry to hear and though i won’t press you for more information i hope you know that i care very much and if you want to share privately you have my email address.

  4. Laurie said,

    Don’t get on that plane. Do go to Charleston, taking it easy.
    I agree with you about the doctor appointment. For what [and for whom] are the tests?

    • s blake callahan said,

      Laurie i am so glad to hear from you! i know some day i will get on that plane or other conveyance, just not right now.

      the tests looked to be my only hope for the transfusions i need but now with the oncologist i have another option. so i will go to charleston, see the oncologist and make plans from there. if i can get the transfusions and don’t immediately end up in the same situation of needing blood then that will be my answer. time will tell:)

  5. Terry said,

    My dear, always follow your heart and you will never regret when you look back. Love and hugs

  6. Judy said,

    I love how you find clarity and make confident decisions surrounding these complicated medical issues. I see you as very wise. Your uncle and his love are a gift. You will embark on another journey (perhaps with him) when the time is right for you. In the meantime, I see you as my inspiration for making every second of life count. Glad you are planning the Charleston trip. xoxo

    • s blake callahan said,

      what looks like clarity may not be so:) i just know for me it was the right decision. if this doesn’t work the way i hope then i still have some options and that is encouraging.

      hope you and your family are well and happy

  7. appletonavenue said,

    You are absolutely correct in questioning which dr appointments to keep. I too weigh the costs vs benefits of things regardless of what they are. Always think of the plus vs minus. I think its important that you stay in control.

    Sending you hugs.

    • s blake callahan said,

      same advice i give to other’s. thank you for your support, it helps me stay focused:)

  8. prenin said,

    Hi Sandy! 🙂

    Thanks for the visit and comment! 🙂

    Yes, without the pills… Sigh! 🙂

    Still: It’s nice to grumble!!! 🙂

    Yes the cheque is lovely! 🙂

    Now I have it I am already planning on saving for my next new toy, happy that I have a buffer for emergencies!!! 🙂

    I have been dreaming about owning a quadcopter toy with a built-in camera so you can see where you are flying!!! 🙂

    I’ll most likely won’t buy it, but it’s fun to dream!!! 🙂

    Then there are the robots they sell these days which get smarter every generation! 🙂

    Fact is I’ll most likely save up for a PlayStation Four – once they get the bugs worked out with the Virtual Reality headsets! 🙂

    I’m just a big kid at heart!!! 😉

    Love and squishy hugs!

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i love gadgets and totally get what you are saying. it’s fun to dream though:)

      never lose that kid spirit, it makes your life much more fun!

      love and hugs to you my friend

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