Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today

December 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

last night we had a couple of friends over for dinner and one of the couples knows that i have stopped taking my meds, at least intermittently for now.  just as we were getting ready to sit down greg asked if i was still not using my meds and how was that going. i quickly reminding him that was hush hush and he smiled with an apology. he believes this may be the best thing for me so that i can really enjoy these last days of my life.

as a result the first thing i thought of was this character.  basically that is what i am doing. i am not getting a hamburger but i am getting something now and offering to pay for it later.  of course he never had any intention of actually paying for his advance  and i know that i can not avoid paying for my advance.

last night was a rare night for me and i want to give a lot of credit to my guests. they were two couples and just fun, low key people. they both brought us poinsettia plants which are my favorites and i was so grateful and excited. one couple brought actual how made cookies and they are delicious!! charlotte is definitely a great cook.  her husband ken is one of the most kind men i have ever met and they are just interesting fun people to spend an evening with.  everyone just stepped in and helped where needed. it was not a big deal although they all know that i am suffering from heart disease along with a few other organs going in to failure.

by the end of the dinner i could barely stand, walking, even sitting was shear torture but it was my choice and gladly chose this time with these particular people for a reason. in the end chris and i and will say how much fun we had and as they may be the last people we entertain there are no regrets.

at the end of the day i was so swollen and just in pain i could barely walk to bed.  i couldn’t get my legs on the leg rest of the recliner. once everyone left  broke down and started crying from the pain.  by now i had taken 3 pain pills which is very rare for me.  i tend to get a prescription for 30 oxycodon once a year. usually they last for the entire year and so it concerns me to take so many in one day.  guess i will worry about this when the holidays are over.

i feel empowered knowing that i have friends who support my decision and will spend time with us without ever making me feel like i am dying.  make no mistake i am getting closer.  i feel it.  the visits from those that have gone before have become more frequent.  the bear is sometimes so close i can feel her breath on my face. she whispers of what it to come and how she just wants to be with me when the time comes.

the questions now are do i let him know and give him the option of being there or do i protect him and let him simply come to me when it is all over.  can i wait until angie is here? if so how long after she arrives do i give it? if i get “better” how much “better; do i have to get to make it worth the continued suffering?

for now i am just concentrated on my sister getting here on saturday and going to charleston for christmas with all the family.  now that is a great way to end your life.  i am grateful that i have had all these conversations with my family and so they all understand my choice and what i am asking of them.  i have the best family and friends.  wowow i am so blessed!!!

much love to you all and to all a merry christmas:)

20 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    We can live or we can just exist.

    I’m glad you chose the former, although I feel so sorry I can’t take away your pain! 😦

    Nobody can make these decisions for you my friend and I wish you all the best no matter what or when! 🙂

    Love and huge hugs always Sandy! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      prenin you dear man! when you say you are sorry you can’t take away my pain i believe you. they are not empty words but come from your heart. i want you to know that your kind words and caring means so much to me. i look forward to reading about your day and feel connected in a way that others might feel strange. i care very much for you so when i say to you my friend that i am sending love and big warm hugs please know that my words are not empty but genuine.

      • prenin said,

        Thanks Sandy! 🙂

        As you have noticed I do not say what I don’t mean! 🙂

        Love and huge hugs to you my friend and a VERY Merry Christmas to you and Chris!!! 🙂

        Prenin.

      • s blake callahan said,

        it is easy to see, even from here, that you are an honorable man.

        i love you much my friend and give to you the biggest hug:)

  2. Judy said,

    I hesitate to comment because I know you always reply and I feel less and less energy for you to do that. So just know that I will hear your voice in my head and heart – for the rest of my life. Please be with me when my time comes. You represent the courage that few humans have facing death. I pray you will know you can let go when the suffering is too great. Saying goodbye is very hard, I know. I love you, Sandra.

    • s blake callahan said,

      judy please don’t hesitate to comment! i love hearing from you. yes it can be tiring to come online now but your comments are always so kind and supportive it is something i look forward to. it means a lot that you take the time out of your busy life to read and connect with me. ever since meeting you in yosemite i have a special place in my heart for you.

      when your time comes i will stand at the end of your bed and welcome you to the rest of your souls life. you have many years ahead and songs to write before that day but know that i will be there. i wish that i could say it is courage but honestly i just don’t know any other way to move through this event. you are one of the few who truly know about saying goodbye and what that feels like. please know that when i say it, they won’t be words of regret. i send you love and hugs my friend.

  3. Terry said,

    I can’t help but shed tears. I think so much of you. Merry Christmas my friend

    • s blake callahan said,

      oh terry you are too sweet. please don’t shed tears for me unless they are with the knowledge that i have been blessed with people like you who take the time out of your own life to offer me comfort.

      i wish you all the joy that this season brings. sending you love and hugs my friend

  4. Jackie said,

    I admire the way you look at your situation and I like idea of thinking of overdoing it as saying you’ll pay for happy times now later. I’m happy to hear you’re surrounded by people who let you be you rather than forcing you into the role of dying woman. You are in my thoughts!

    • s blake callahan said,

      some would think me fool hearty for such thinking so i want to thank you for sharing how you feel. in your own life i see this same thinking. to be so young you are very mindful of how precious life is and make the trade-offs you need to in the same way.

      i can’t imagine myself as “dying woman” and you are spot on that i am blessed with people in my life who don’t ask me to be that woman. over the years, through my nursing years, i have met that woman. we must each find our way through this journey and i have been blessed with one heck of a ride! i may not always comment but i do read your blog and admire the way you are dealing with the road you are traveling.

  5. Sandy said,

    Have you thought of asking Chris what he wants – would he rather be with you when you die or find your body? My mother chose to end her own suffering by taking her own life. We did not expect this. She left us a lovely note, and I know I have no choice about the past, but how II would love to have sat with her as she passed..

    • s blake callahan said,

      sandy i have thought of asking him, many times in my head i try to imagine that conversation, which we have had now. in my new post i mentioned al and i am sorry that i did not mention you. your words moved me to let that happen.

      this is an event that has significant ramifications for those we love. while i would selfishly love to die in his arms, this is also his wish, i am all to aware of the legal ramifications that he could face if we do this. sad to me that even here i worry about “big brother” using my words to accuse him. he could be charged with serious legal offenses under certain circumstances. that may have been your own mother’s concern. i have to believe that she managed things in the way she did out of love for you.

  6. Syl said,

    Have a very wonderful Holiday. Love and hugs to you and Chris. Syl

    • s blake callahan said,

      chris and i have just been talking about our plans to go to charleston for christmas. my sister is coming, from berkeley, and we will drive over to my youngest step-daughter’s home where we will spend time with all the kids, and our grandkids. i want to have as many memories built up as possible.

      i send you love, hugs and wishes for joy

  7. Al said,

    Sandra, you never cease to amaze me, addressing and talking about issues most people won’t even allow to enter their minds. I feel I need to give you my thoughts about telling Chris when you decide it’s time. I guess I am really thinking about what I would want or will want. The thought scares me, but I have been with her through everything else, I need to be with her at the end. I believe I would be letting her down if I wasn’t present.

    • s blake callahan said,

      al i have to say it is sometimes a little spooky how similar to chris you are! i understand that desire to be there in the final moments and i hope you have that blessing. it can be a bit more complicated if a person is making the decision to “die with dignity.” your comment gave me a perfect opportunity to broach this subject and i want to thank you for that.

      you and alice are so lucky to have each other and i can only say i am blessed to have found the same kind of love in life. it may have taken me longer to get there, we have only been together 22 years:) but i am here and so grateful for each moment with him. i will email you later if that is ok to speak a little more on this.

      • Al said,

        Yes, it is definitely OK. Take care and a great holiday.

      • s blake callahan said,

        really have so much to tell you, we have both been sick for days and me for weeks. will be talking to you soon my friend. sending love to you and your beautiful bride.

  8. Angie said,

    Well that trade off sucks. You know what’s best for you so if this is best right now, then I’m right here for you.
    By the way, don’t forget about May!

    • s blake callahan said,

      you know that life is all about trade-offs! you have made some tough choices in your own life and have reached that beautiful time where you realize what is really important to you. i am so excited that in just over 24 hours you will be here and will be laughing and mocking, you know we mock:) anything and anyone! as for may you don’t have to remind me! i am so ready for May and my baby sister moving here!!

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