when the dream ends

April 2, 2015 at 7:11 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

the dream ended and i became aware that i was no longer in a deep sleep. my eyes aren’t open yet. my arm feels like it is swollen and i can’t move it. my fingers, my hand and part of my arm are all paralyzed. i can remember just a few short years ago my eyes would have been open and i would have been making my way to the shower. that was then and this now. strange but my limbs don’t seem to want to move. these days i can only lay comfortably on my left side. guess it has something to do with my heart and the ICD. it has been years since i was able to lay on my back. while in the army i had an incident where i sustained a spinal injury along with some broken bones. this left me with a limited number of positions. there are times when out of frustration i sleep in the chair. this is not my favorite thing to do as we miss each other. at times he will come out and sit next to me. he never complains about this disruption. even though my eyes are closed i can see where everything is. i know the pictures on my side of the wall. four of them were taken in one of those photo booths about 20 years ago. just a few weeks ago, while at the movie, we saw a photo booth and decided to go for it. odd to look at the younger couple so many years ago and the people we have become. as i lay in the bed i said in my head, i am dying i am going to die i am going to die and it doesn’t upset me how does someone live with this? how do you go on with your life for today? how can you be so calm in the face of this very real fact? you do it the way every human that walks this earth. we are all dying aren’t we? some of us have conditions that make ours a bit more imminent. anyone could decide that it is too scary, some actually do and don’t live their life to the fullest. there are times i think, especially lately that we just can’t make any more trips. we are going to the ocean here at the southern georgia. we will be staying at the St. Simon island, we have stayed near there but not at this particular island. we are choosing 2 queen size beds instead of a king because even after all these years we want to be able to reach over and touch the other person, to say i love you and to sometimes hold hands. this is also a fact. unless of course i die before we go, and that would not be cool. of course! this thing is going to happen sooner than later so i will in fact die before, during or after one of our trips. at least, i am hoping that it will not be during. that would be a real inconvenience! ah life can change so quickly. we have decided, based on the last few days, that i would have a difficult time and that would make it less enjoyable for him. of course i am disappointed we are not going to be able to go to charleston this easter. this was supposed to be sort of a consolation prize:) now i have weeks where i can’t get out of bed, the last couple of days i am unsteady. this means i can’t stand on my own, i try and this leads to falling. sometimes it is like a game where i just sort of bounce off walls, furniture or him if he is standing close by. it was probably not a great idea to be out earlier. of course i just wanted to get out on my own and thought since i was just close by it would be ok. while in the store i used a cart, thought that would do it but i had to go in the fitting room where i could sit and sort of lay back (take a little nap) then went to the parking lot to wait for the call letting me know the weekly thursday early dinner was going to be close by. it was wonderful to see everyone and meet the new boyfriend of one of the ladies. at the end of the meal, we all left and i got in the car. i was so tired i couldn’t pull it together and drive. again i sat and closed my eyes for a short time. my sweet man was waiting and wondering where i was. i need to add a note to my living will that is in the car. there need to be directions for him to follow. there need to be phone numbers, he won’t have any and doesn’t know how to use my phone that has everyone’s number. these are the things you think about when you are dying. it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for anyone to think about. of course we don’t like to think about such things happen to us. we are home and all i want to do is close my eyes and listen to the world that wraps me in its arms. yes i am dying but first i just really want to write that note:)

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