oh you silly human:)

June 1, 2015 at 1:38 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

my perception is we go about our life with the false impression that we are in control.  we are the captains of our ship even.  oh we humans can be so silly when it comes to understanding life.  so many of us, myself included, face each day with some routine.  we are up, showered and head off to our job or get the kids to school.  that isn’t the norm for even more of us.  we are in accidents or someone we love is hit with some devastating news.

no we can not control what happens to, usually that is.  when we become terminally ill it hits us that the illusion of control has gone.  now we are at the mercy of our body, the body that has betrayed us.  no that isn’t what i believe.  i believe we can accept that we were never in control.  all the type a’s are having a fit right now:)  with each change we grow and learn even more about ourselves and the world around us.  we can become more loving.  when i became ill i was given the greatest gift of all.  true freedom.  freedom to know who i am not just who i say i am.  it is easy to have ideals, however, life gives you this freedom to show your self to your self.  what good is faith if you never have it tested?

this begs the question……. why not test your self before this journey is ending?  i feel a comfort knowing that i have done just that throughout my life.  my beloved man has done this. he is someone who does not just talk about making the world a better place he actively works on making that happen.

my younger sister has been doing this more and more in her life and i see her becoming the woman she is meant to be.  it makes me proud to see her challenging herself and not taking the easy way out.  no she is stepping in to the unknown to make the world a better place. when she talks about the good she wants to do in this world i am humbled and filled with pride.

i have a cousin, actually two of them, she is facing a long and difficult road.  i know that she lives a life of purpose.  no matter what happens she can leave this journey knowing how her faith has been tested and how she has risen to the top.  her sister is going through some surgeries herself and her road has not been an easy one.  i love them and think of them more than they know.  there is too much ground to cover with our story, i just want to say that these are good women and they were raised by loving, caring parents.  my uncle was a great man who did great works.  he is a true believer and i am sure that brought his family some measure of comfort.  my aunt is still with us and i smile when i think of her.  she is a force to be reckoned with for sure.

more talk of them some other time.  a couple of weeks ago i was admitted to the hospital.  nothing unexpected, nothing to be done at this time.  there are five stages of kidney failure/function. in stage five it is dialysis or kidney transplant, i have quietly slipped in to the stage four.  in fact i am on the precipice of stage five.  there will be no transplant for me.  too risky and really a waste of a kidney that someone else would benefit from.  i would ask in fact that if you are reading this you say a prayer, light a candle or just send healing thoughts to my cousin, she will hopefully receive the organ she needs so.

it is my greatest hope that i have never thought i was in control.  i hope that i have kept my heart, eyes and ears open.  i hope that i have loved well and been a good human bean.  i hope that i have made my family and loved ones proud to know me. i hope that i make those who have gone before proud.  we can be silly us humans, thinking we are in control…….

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