the last chapter??

July 24, 2015 at 2:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

it has been much too long since i have been here.  i miss having the outlet to share how i am feeling.  once you say things out loud (or write them) it is a relief and it makes you feel heard.  being heard is something we all want.  not being heard can lead to people behaving like ted kazinski (the unibomber).

last friday i felt things were finally going a bit better.  to my delight i was able to go out for a few errands with angie.  the last ones she went in on her own and i waited in the car.  it was still great to just get out and we talked and laughed the whole time.  it was freedom to be my old self. to reminisce about the days when she was a baby and the years she was growing up.  we dished about men and learning the southern ways.  in particular the “drop-in.”

when we arrived home i mentioned that the weeds were taller than the plants in our front flower bed.  we decided to grab a few on our way in.  it felt good to accomplish something even so small and insignificant. we were laughing when suddenly i felt so weak i fell to the ground.  my sister yelled out my name and ran to my side.  if she had been too kind i don’t know if i could have done what i did next.  she knows me well and followed my lead.  i said i just needed a minute and in the meantime we chatted.  she asked if i needed help and we had discussed the possible need for what is called a “lift assist.”  this way when you call 911 they know someone has fallen but will not need to be transported.

after a few moments i was able to get in to a crawling position.  from there i was able to crawl into the house where we have stairs and i simply to one at a time until i was able to sit up.  the whole time we are just laughing and though i know she was concerned having her cool and calm reaction is more valuable to me than any medication.

i started this with the intention of writing regarding a documentary titled The Last Chapter.  for now i have discovered there are other stories i feel the need to share.  stories that are about me and not others.  it is too easy for me to slip in to that mode.  how easy to discuss statistics and the story of others.  it is not always so easy to tell how i see myself deteriorating.  i am weak now.  going outside of this house is not as easy as it once was.  i sleep more hours in a day than i am awake.  i treasure the time i am able to sit next to my love and just talk or watch one of our programs we love.  now that angie is here i love the days she comes in to the bedroom and sits on the bed beside me and we chat.

this may very well be my last chapter.  oh i won’t go in to the tedious details.  it has been an amazing party and i may be close to leaving.  there are a few more things i wish to do before my final good nights and thank you’s. one of the people in the documentary referred to his life as being lived in chapters.  i relate to this strongly.  this chapter has been a blessing and i will be grateful to the end for this last chapter.  for now i am just enjoying the new house with my sister and husband.  i was gifted by  fate to have step-daughters whom i care so deeply for and grandchildren who hold a part of my heart and will until the end.

we have become good friends with people that i have come to care for deeply.  to know that there are these few who will carry my story on after i am gone gives me great peace.  peace of heart is something that i found many years ago and my fondest wish for those who suffer.  to truly have peace no matter what is happening around you is a gift beyond words.  it holds you deep inside and tells you no matter how things turn out it is ok.  you can handle whatever comes your way.

i wish for you my love, my family and my friends that you find this peace of heart.  i wish for you joy and light in your life.  there will be difficult times yet with this peace you will find comfort within.

i have missed you. missed being able to say what is on my mind. missed sharing those thoughts that come now at the end.  this has been a mystery for too long.  just think when you have been to a party with so much joy, laughter and all your family and friends have been with you.  you are getting ready to leave for the night but you want to stay a bit longer, have one more conversation, shake one more hand, kiss one more cheek.  you are drunk with joy, i am drunk with joy and though i hesitate to leave i know i must.  it is just waiting for the clock to strike midnight.  i will have to leave or turn in to a pumpkin.

7 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    I’m so glad you are feeling positive my friend! 🙂

    We all have to face the final chapter and it all depends on ourselves to write the final words.

    You are a good friend Sandy and It is a pleasure to be on this journey with you even though I am so far away! 🙂

    Always know you are always in my heart and I will never forget the beautiful person that you are! 🙂

    Love and huge hugs always my friend! 🙂

    Prenin.

  2. jmgoyder said,

    I have so missed seeing your blogwritings, Sandra. No matter what happens next, please know how much your friendship means to me! You shine.

  3. Terry said,

    I can barely stand this post, it hurts so bad. No matter what you are always on my mind. Big hugs and lots of love

  4. Teressa said,

    My dear friend, I find so much comfort in your words, your life chapters, and want you to know, even though you already do, that I love you so very much! You have given me so much courage over the years to do things that I was unsure of or afraid to do and you have no idea what these things are but just know that I think of you daily and you give me strength and courage beyond my own expectations and I am so incredibly grateful to have had you in my life. Thank you for you! Much love and so many hugs are being sent your way my friend.
    T

  5. Judy said,

    Everytime I read what you write, it feels like I’m reading a fabulous book I wish would never end. This is what makes me appreciate you even more. Each page holds delight, even though I never want to reach the last one. So I savor each page as it turns . . .

  6. appletonavenue said,

    Tears in my eyes.

  7. Syl said,

    You my friend will never be a pumpkin! A wild horse, or a sunflower, maybe just a fresh breeze, but never a pumpkin! Love & hugs to you

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