20 years, 7 years and 2 months

August 11, 2015 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

last thursday we celebrated our 20th anniversary.  we have actually been together for about 23 years but our culture doesn’t celebrate those years, only the ones that have been “legal.”  the thing that surprised me the most is when asked what i wanted to do to celebrate i didn’t want to do anything big. what we did was have dinner with our friend julia. she is that friend who regardless of how often we see each other we know how we feel.  the time was spent eating at our favorite local restaurant and catching up on her recent trip.  this feisty woman drove herself to virginia and not sure but may have driven all the way to washington d.c. for a family reunion.  julia is on oxygen and not the youngest friend i have.  she is so kind to me, and i know in my heart i could always call her and talk.  i can be honest with her in a way i can only be with a few people. of course that doesn’t include my friends here:)

twenty years ago i married the man of my dreams.  tonight as we were watching George Gently on acorn and it was about a baby being kidnapped.  it took place in 1968 and quite unexpectedly i hear ” i should have kidnapped you. you would have been 14 but that’s legal in arkansas isn’t it?”  after a little laugh i gave this some thought.  my life would have so different if he had been my first love. the best thing is he is my last love.  when you think about it very few people are still with their first love.  as a teenager we may think this or that guy is our dream, as we get older that can change drastically.  not to say that it can’t happen, being with your first love would be amazing but it just doesn’t happen for most of us.  i can’t regret all that went before, i wouldn’t have the experiences and memories i do now.

over the past 23 years we have created some amazing memories. i don’t think i could have appreciated who he was when i was 14. actually that is the age i moved to california to take care of my baby sister.  those were 2 of the best years of my life.  as it turned out i had my son at age 17 and had surgery at the age of 22 and would never have more children.  then at the old age of 37 i met him.  as if that wasn’t enough i gained 2 step-daughters and 1 step-son.  i know have grandchildren and even a great-granddaughter.  all of these blessings have come to me since meeting and marrying my forever love.

seven years ago i was given 5 years to live.  that was and still is the statistic used for people with congestive heart failure.  what i am discovering is the congestive heart failure is not always what gets you in the end.  due to the poor circulation other organs start to break down.  my kidneys are on the edge of stage 4 failure.  there is not much to do and that is frustrating at times.  today i had an appointment with my new family practice doctor.  it is apparent we are going to have a very different relationship than i had with my last doctor.  this doctor is very caring and kind much like my last doctor.  the difference is i find myself more willing to have some testing done.  i am severely anemic again and he wants me to see a gastrointerologist.  he seems sure that i have internal bleeding.  the truth is i have known this for the last few years.  i just refused to have any more testing done before.  now i find myself agreeing to go and see a new doctor who will most likely want to do a scope and find this bleed.  last year i had the iron infusion and it worked for the last year.  before that i had a blood transfusion. the blood transfusion would be too risky so the iron infusion would be an option.  for some reason this doctor wants to find the problem and fix it if possible.  i am still on the fence.   so the rest of the news is my liver has not gotten any worse. my kidneys are getting worse though.  he is sending me to a ruematologist, i have had arthritis for several years and it is has gotten much worse in the last few months.

two months ago my sister gave up her life in san francisco and moved to georgia in order to be with us.  the move was only a few blocks from where we were living however i have learned no matter how short or long the distance a move is a move!  if not for her and a couple of other friends we couldn’t have done this.  the moving company was great but if not for angie and our friend rita it wouldn’t have happened.

time is what we too often think we have plenty of and it is the thing that can end without a moments notice.  i have few regrets and live my life the best i can.  thanks to my family and friends my time (however long or short) is the best it can be.  my sister comes in to wake me now and again.  seeing her smiling beautiful face gives such joy! other times my love comes to wake me.  his sweet face and loving manner still make me smile.  my heart still beats a little faster when i anticipate seeing him and then there he is.  yes after 23 years my heart still beats faster for him.  maybe i will have this test so i can continue to see their loving faces.  maybe i will have this test so i continue to see the faces of my step-friends, grandchildren and friends. maybe i will have this test to see just how many years beyond the statistics i can live.  there are more up sides than down sides?  i have time to decide, i think, i hope.

10 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    You keep on Rockin’ hun! 🙂

    The game isn’t over ’till it’s over!!! 🙂

    Love and HUGE squishy hugs!!! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      thank you Ian! you are such a great support and cheerleader:)

      i have been thinking about you and do read your blog. unfortunately i have just been so ill and tired i haven’t been able to type a response.

      sending you big warm hugs and love my friend.

  2. Terry said,

    Happy Anniversary to you both! I believe testing at this point can do nothing less than maybe prolong your life. Give it some serious thought my friend, it may be an answer from God

    • s blake callahan said,

      thank you terry!

      i am thinking very seriously about the pros and cons of doing more testing. as the pain gets worse and the internal bleeding is a recurring issue i have to think if it is worth the pain i will go through with the testing.

      i appreciate your thoughts and take them seriously. thank you for caring enough to share them with me.

      • Terry said,

        I just don’t want you to suffer, this is the only thoughts I had. I can clearly see your point of view. Love you my friend

  3. Judy said,

    I couldn’t agree more – that Chris is such a loving and gentle man. Just seeing how he looked at you gave me such a warm feeling. That blessing certainly would keep you considering reasons to “hang around” a bit longer. All I worry about is you suffering because of that, which I know you are very in touch with. So glad I was able to meet you and Chris in person in ’14. It adds so much more dimension to your beautiful posts. I can picture you both! Wishing you more anniversary blessings with your last love.

    • s blake callahan said,

      judy we three have such fond memories of our time with you. your beautiful music and voice are still fresh in my mind.

      i am hoping we can still meet up again this year. we are finally getting settled and if i do these procedures i would hopefully be feeling more energy soon after. it is just difficult to say yes as i feel i have been through enough and don’t know it will be worth it in the end.

      moving on to happier thoughts…. you have been and are such a good friend. to think that you traveled to yosemite to visit with us is amazing. then to have you give a very personal and private concert was a gift i will never forget. thank you for being that friend.

      love and big warm hugs from me to you my dear friend

      • Judy said,

        I more than understand about seeing whether things improve for you first. It’s easy to plan for me at the last minute.

        I had a wonderful time in Yosemite. I see you as a catalyst for me to have a great experience. You’re my inspiration! I don’t take many trips and it motivates me to get see you – whether in Georgia or Yosemite. I feel safe with you and love your wisdom and encouragement.

        So just let me know when you are able to.

        Love, Judy

  4. jmgoyder said,

    Happy anniversary and I loved reading this post so much. You are such a loving and loved person and I find it extraordinary how you deal with your circumstances. Love you Sandra xxx

  5. appletonavenue said,

    Congratulations on 23 years! Quite a ride. It’s not easy to stay together that long. And a serious illness can make it even tougher. You guys are truly special.

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