it’s a beautiful thing

October 15, 2015 at 9:49 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

so after much hard work and effort angie accepted a great job in her field.  i am so happy for her and it is with great satisfaction that i share this time with her.  if she had not made the move across country i would not be able to share the joy of her success.  it is much the same as seeing your child find their path in life.  she is in a healthy relationship, has family around her to love and support her and now the career is back on track and even better (hopefully) than what she left behind.  i feel like the proud mother who has lived long enough to see that she is settled and has left some of her struggles behind.

as she is working  in atlanta, about an hour drive but with rush hour traffic more like 3 hours. much like san francisco or any other metropolitan city there are things going on so she can enjoy some down time after work then drive home.  the part that is an adjustment for us is the time we were able to spend together is now more limited.  this is the natural order of life and not a bad thing.  it just is.

a few years ago we were friends with a young woman who had recently broken up with her partner and the person she saw herself with for years to come.  at the time she was late 20’s early 30’s.  her friends all have careers and families so their ability to be available was not the same as mine.  she would call and ask if we could go to lunch, dinner, get our nails done or catch a movie. at the time i still got out a few days per week so this was enjoyable.  one day i was talking with her and told her that soon she would be on the mend and back to spending time with her friends, maybe even a new love.  it was important to me that she know before this happened that i was ok, i not only expected this but wanted it for her.  she is now married and has a busy career.  i have not seen her in probably 2 years.  my world is growing smaller and so this is as it needs to be.

i have always thought being content was what humans strive for in life.  as a child my environment was poor in material resources but rich in this feeling of quiet and satisfaction with life.  as i got older it was obvious that too many were unhappy with their life and wanted some undefinable “thing” that was always just out of their grasp.  oh they would be happy for a period of time but then you could feel the restlessness driving them on.  this is not to say we are not to set goals for ourselves i just think there are times those goals are our undoing.

this all leads to a conversation she and i had last night.  i made her cry and if you know one thing about me it is my love and desire that no one suffer is in conflict with the realization that life is suffering.  with suffering we are made present in this shell we call our body, with suffering we understand true joy when we experience it.  no i do not advocate suffering, i just know that it is.  we were talking about my fluid retention and the lack of alternatives since i am in more advanced kidney disease.

A: there has to be something they can do

me: no, sometimes there is this beautiful thing…. acceptance. there isn’t always going to be one more thing to do.

A: (she tears up and turns her head away) i know….

me: you know i always thought there is one more thing to try, one more way to look at a problem.  sometimes there is just no more to do.

what she may not know is it breaks my heart to see her suffer.  i know that she must go through this as we all do, if i could spare her or anyone i love the pain i know they will feel i certainly would.  that would deny them the beauty of acceptance though and i would not wish that for them either.  sometimes there is great beauty in suffering, there is the beauty of acceptance.

10 Comments

  1. prenin said,

    Very true hun! 😦

    I had to accept I would most likely never be a father, so when I had a shot at becoming a parent I had the surgery I needed to correct the damage my dad did to me, with a woman who begged me to be the father of her child, and did the deed.

    Her response was to then try and get me to pay for an abortion. 😦

    Unable to get to me after my suicide attempt she announced that she’d had a miscarriage and that it was a baby girl.

    Given that this was in the first trimester she would have needed a DNA test to determine the sex of the foetus.

    Confronted she announced that she had not had a miscarriage but had, had an abortion.

    Needless to say I don’t believe her! 😦

    I am not likely to be able to have a child now, so I have had to accept it.

    At least I had a part in the lives of a bunch of kids who grew up beautiful people.

    Better than nothing I guess and they still have fond memories of me which I guess is all I can hope for… 🙂

    Love and huge hugs my friend! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      oh my poor man:( the more i learn of your story the more i despair at how sad your life has been.

      on the bright side you have contributed to these young people becoming the good human beings there are now. you deserve so much more joy in life and i truly wish i could somehow change that for you.

      you are beyond amazing! you are an inspiration to a life well lived.

      sending you love and hugs my friend

      • prenin said,

        Thanks hun! 🙂

        Love and huge hugs!

        Prenin.

  2. Judy said,

    Grief is such a lonely and personal journey. I often tell people (and myself) that our loved ones wouldn’t want us to suffer. You are a perfect example of that. It would comfort you greatly if you knew you could pass on and leave your family behind without them suffering from grief. What can I say? With great love – the absence is hard to fill. You are leaving a huge hole behind for so many. But I agree with you. I learned so much from my suffering and turned it into something else. It is possible and is a huge life lesson.

    • s blake callahan said,

      the thing that may sound cruel is i would not spare them the experience of this impending loss. they must experience this loss to become who they are meant to be. of course we would always rather spare another the suffering that is life. your understanding of the void that may be left helps me tremendously in understanding the whole of this experience not just my side.

  3. Syl said,

    You never cease to amaze me…..You are truly one of the strongest person I have ever met. I’m so grateful to call you friend. Love and hugs to you and Chris, Syl

    • s blake callahan said,

      oh syl i have adored you from the moment i first met you. my life has been richer for having your friendship and i truly appreciate your continued support and love.

  4. Terry said,

    One of the things I love about you is the way you think. Your words flow as a stream gently into a river. Don’t change a thing about you! Hugs

    • s blake callahan said,

      terry i thank you for your kind words and support. no one will ever accuse me of being eloquent but that’s ok. i am honored that you find me readable! you are a true writer and like many others here you are also a poet, i admire your talent. love and hugs to you my friend

      • Terry said,

        Love you my friend. Stay strong

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