does this make me wimpy?

November 9, 2015 at 12:05 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

i have written concerning my feelings, this applies only to myself and is in no way a judgement of anyone else, regarding the use of the e.r. and pain medication.  tonight i have broken both of these soft rules.  i have always known that i may indeed have to use the e.r. at some point. i just thought it would be under more dire (?) circumstances.  just minutes ago i asked for and received a shot of morphine.  i just need to rest a few hours.  i just need to be able to regroup and move forward from here.

on tuesday i had a blood transfusion.  it has to be done either through the outpatient or as an admitted patient when you have congestive heart failure.  it is considered risky and my cardiologist muttered under his breath as he left my room today “she should not have been given the transfusion.”  although i did not have an immediate reaction i did start a slide down hill that only going to the e.r. and being admitted could stop.  for a couple of weeks i was battling a virus, possibly pneumonia.  then came the transfusion and my body just couldn’t handle it.

i was adamantly against going to the e.r. until this,

angie: you’re not the one with the dying sister who is going to suffer the loss.

for a moment i thought she was joking, she had made the comment to me once that i could not use the “i’m dying card.”  so in the void left by this deeply raw and honest truth i replied, “you’re not going to play that card are you because you can only use it on a limited basis.

i look at her and am a bit ashamed that i have brought her to this point.  how could i not see that she and he are worried and frustrated by my rejection of possible remedy.  her eyes hold what could become tears, oh i want to move across the room and hug her tightly but i am too ill to do so and know that i must go to the dreaded e.r.

she has bought in to the opinion of some nurse on the phone line who tells her i will get oxygen and just take some home with me.  of course i am now in a room as a patient of our local hospital.  that alone is the frustration i carry. does this make me a wimp?  have i given in to the idea i can be fixed? no, this i know for sure, i have not been blinded to the reality that i am coming to that place where there are no more steps to be taken.  it will be time to open myself to the universe and welcome this part of my journey.

my mind is analyzing and seeking the answer to this question, by asking for pain medication have i crossed a line that  changes me and what i stand for?  my chest x-ray showed pleural effusions.  i will explain in my next post but for now let me say that there is a high level of pain involved.  given time i have no doubt i can walk with this pain without fear or dread.  tonight though i have asked for relief.  just for tonight i jokingly welcome this wimp who decided not to be brave tonight.  tonight i am a wimp and i can love this part of myself.  she will have to take a back seat tomorrow but for tonight she is calling the “shots.”  not as clever as judy or any of the other real writers i have come to love but not bad for a wimp.

good night to all you brave beings who face your battles with grace that leaves me inspired and in awe.  good night to all the wimps who i am learning to respect and understand in a new day and new light.  now if i can just get a few hours of rest here where the lights are never off.

19 Comments

  1. Judy said,

    I can’t believe I saw my name there in your post, Sandra. I thought that was a wonderful pun about calling all the “shots!” You see – you did “inject” some humor in there. Keep the laughter going with whatever energy you have.
    I believe in freedom – and the freedom to change your mind is important. You are not wimpy, as I see it. You are so courageous and thoughtful. As long as you are able to make decisions, it’s important that you trust in yourself. I certainly think you have a wise handle on what is happening. Pain is a horrible thing. Even temporary relief might be what you need right now. Sending love and light to you, my brave friend whom I have grown to deeply love.

    • s blake callahan said,

      thank you and laughter has really kept us all going. i can’t imagine not having some humor each day to raise our spirits and remind us not to take ourselves too seriously.

  2. tersiaburger said,

    My brave friend, this is your journey and no-one else’s! You are captain of your own ship. No one in the world has the right to make decisions for you whilst you are able to do so yourself. Having a pain-free night is not being a wimp. It is sensible and the right thing to do. Know that you on loved in cyberspace. Morphine is a miracle drug and not something to be scared off if titrated properly. Lots of love Brave One.

    http://www.livestrong.com/article/161634-effects-of-morphine-on-the-heart/
    https://www.caring.com/blogs/older-patients-wiser-care/end-stage-copd-opiate

    • s blake callahan said,

      tersia you are so right! i have regained my resolve and am guiding my care again. after accepting i needed pain relief it became clear it was much needed in order to once again have a clear head.

      i appreciate your support and know that you have a true understanding of what i am going through.

      i send you big warm hugs and love!

  3. prenin said,

    Unfortunately nobody can walk this road for you hun.

    Hope you got some decent rest! 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      you are so right my friend and with the pain relief i am able to once again take care of my man. he is my priority in all of this. i so wish you had someone looking out for your feelings and well being. i guess it is up to you and i believe you can do it.

      sending you love and hugs my friend

  4. Julia Sweeney said,

    Sandra, It is not a crime to admit that you are a lovely, hurting, loving, brave woman that needs help getting over this bump in the road. I am so lucky to know you and count you as a friend. See you soon. Love, Julia

    • s blake callahan said,

      what an honor to know that you feel the same way i do. i am hoping to get out of here today so i can meet up with you tomorrow!

      much love tp you my friend

  5. Syl said,

    You, my dear lady, are not a wimp!! Nor have you ever been! You are one of the strongest and bravest people I know. I admire you. Do not think for one minute that you are a wimp!! I am sending you love and hugs, Syl

    • s blake callahan said,

      it is so hard for me to think of myself the way you have honored me. to know that you have kept this image of me in your heart means the world to me. actually i have decided there is no shame in being in need of a boost from pain relief. it has made such a positive change for me. i am ready to pick up the battle again.

      i send you love, light and big warm hugs through this connection

  6. Terry said,

    You definitely are not wimpy . You are so strong mentally , you just need a break , big hugs

    • s blake callahan said,

      you my friend are so right! the medication made a huge difference and now i can make the other decisions i need to.

      love and hugs to you

      • Terry said,

        I am thrilled to read this. Yes!!!

  7. Jackie said,

    My personal view is why be uncomfortable if I don’t have to be? So no, I don’t think you are a wimp. I think you are wise.

    • s blake callahan said,

      i realize i am just at a new fork in the road. not a wrong or right, just a different way to travel. thank you for caring, it means so much to me.

  8. maggiebea said,

    Lots of patients take a ‘tough guy’ approach to pain, refusing medications and insisting they can ‘take it.’ In a lot of situations this can work, but: if the pain makes you breathe more shallowly or more slowly, the patient can be courting pneumonia as the lungs don’t get expanded and fluid accumulates. With CHF this effect can be strikingly quick. Pleural effusions can hurt like crazy.

    Me, I dinna think you’re a wimp. I think pain control in this situation is the prudent course.

    And I’m so glad you’re writing about these things.

    Wishing you plenty of love, light and laughter

    –Maggie

    • s blake callahan said,

      Maggie-

      it was not my intention to take the “tough guy stance” however, i see how that can happen. the relief from the one time pain relief has assisted me to once again have clear vision of where i am going and how i want to travel that road.

      thank you for your continued care and support. i always look forward to hearing your wise woman words.

      i send you love and hope for peace of heart. please keep your blog going, i look forward to reading about your journey.

  9. jmgoyder said,

    Omg Sandra how much my heart achesfor you. You are the least wimpy person i know! My computer has crashed which is why i am sending u message from my phone. Much love xxxx Julie

    Sent from my Samsung GALAXY S5 on the Telstra mobile network

    • s blake callahan said,

      i truly thank you for taking time from your busy life to offer me your loving, supportive words.

      sending you love and big warm hugs

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