and let it begin with me

December 10, 2015 at 5:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

it is 4 a.m. and i am watching a taped program.  thinking of how much has happened and not knowing where to start or how to sort it all out.

since the transfusion a month ago my health has taken a very dramatic hit.  within days i was back at the hospital, and as i last shared, i was admitted.  after 5 days, 4 on fluid pills, i had to have fluid to save my kidneys.  i left the hospital on oxygen and at night/day when just sitting, i use the oxygenator.  it turns ambient air into oxygen.  it sounds like darth vader. actually it sounds like a respirator.

life as i knew it is over.  i can’t walk to the car in the driveway without oxygen. two months ago i was having to decide whether or not i would need the electric cart at the store.  i could still walk about on my own then.  not far but it was still possible. the anemia and low blood volume were making my life difficult.  i had hope that this transfusion would do what the iron infusions had done for me last year.  until last month i thought i would be having the infusions again.  then i got the call.  the dr feels you are not going to get results from infusions this time.  he feels the transfusion is the best option.

i gave up my power at that point.  i didn’t call my cardiologist, who (by the way) muttered as he left my hospital room, she should have never had the transfusion.  in that moment i realized the mistake made.  my man and my sister were happy about the transfusion. of course neither of them fully understood the consequences if it went wrong.  i am not sure i understood the full consequences.  in my mind it wasn’t something that was irreversible.  well unless there is a huge surprise waiting for us this is the way it is now.

let’s do a check-in now.  are you feeling sorry for me? please don’t, i will say to you now what i said from the very beginning, i have had an amazing life.  great family that i love more than my own life.  not only do i have a loving sister and phenomenal husband, i have step-daughters and a step-son.  i have grandchildren that own my heart and i gladly give it to them.  we have some very special friends who have made my life a joy.  there are my blog and Facebook friends. we have our Barrel friends who i believe  really do care about us and we for them.  there is my lovely heart child A.  she will be my one regret in life, i guess we can not escape without one in our life time. i have friends in california who remain in my life and hopefully know how much i love and care for them and their loved ones. i would like special mention to go to S.  she is wife number one.  she and i have given each other respect and worked out what might be awkward situations for others.  she is the quintessential southern woman.

my fear is i have forgotten someone, not because they mean less, simply my exhaustion.

i was watching a movie, not much else to do, sleep and watch t.v.  a few years ago before roku my choices would have been very limited.  now i can access all types of movies and shows.  i love all the documentaries. so in this one movie the child says how much she loves  butterflies. when she found out they only live a short time, sometimes for a month or less.  one day she went to her mother crying.  her mother sat her down and said yes they have a short life but what a beautiful life they live!

do i dare presume to compare my life to a butterflies?  it may be shorter than normal but it has been such a beautiful life.  from moment to moment my life is incredible.  my loving man does whatever he can to make my life better/ more comfortable.  friends who send cards, bring food and even bring food to the hospital.  a sister who comes to help in any way she can. somehow she got a hairdresser to come to my home and i am blown away by that prospect. A still in’s me to talk about her life delimna. here i am this close to the end and i still have the ability to share some last minute life advice.

i am just so grateful for all those who have impacted my life and allowed me to be a part of theirs.

i leave you with this …… my final thought for tonight….. my wish for my life

let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.  and you??

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