and let it begin with me

December 10, 2015 at 5:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

it is 4 a.m. and i am watching a taped program.  thinking of how much has happened and not knowing where to start or how to sort it all out.

since the transfusion a month ago my health has taken a very dramatic hit.  within days i was back at the hospital, and as i last shared, i was admitted.  after 5 days, 4 on fluid pills, i had to have fluid to save my kidneys.  i left the hospital on oxygen and at night/day when just sitting, i use the oxygenator.  it turns ambient air into oxygen.  it sounds like darth vader. actually it sounds like a respirator.

life as i knew it is over.  i can’t walk to the car in the driveway without oxygen. two months ago i was having to decide whether or not i would need the electric cart at the store.  i could still walk about on my own then.  not far but it was still possible. the anemia and low blood volume were making my life difficult.  i had hope that this transfusion would do what the iron infusions had done for me last year.  until last month i thought i would be having the infusions again.  then i got the call.  the dr feels you are not going to get results from infusions this time.  he feels the transfusion is the best option.

i gave up my power at that point.  i didn’t call my cardiologist, who (by the way) muttered as he left my hospital room, she should have never had the transfusion.  in that moment i realized the mistake made.  my man and my sister were happy about the transfusion. of course neither of them fully understood the consequences if it went wrong.  i am not sure i understood the full consequences.  in my mind it wasn’t something that was irreversible.  well unless there is a huge surprise waiting for us this is the way it is now.

let’s do a check-in now.  are you feeling sorry for me? please don’t, i will say to you now what i said from the very beginning, i have had an amazing life.  great family that i love more than my own life.  not only do i have a loving sister and phenomenal husband, i have step-daughters and a step-son.  i have grandchildren that own my heart and i gladly give it to them.  we have some very special friends who have made my life a joy.  there are my blog and Facebook friends. we have our Barrel friends who i believe  really do care about us and we for them.  there is my lovely heart child A.  she will be my one regret in life, i guess we can not escape without one in our life time. i have friends in california who remain in my life and hopefully know how much i love and care for them and their loved ones. i would like special mention to go to S.  she is wife number one.  she and i have given each other respect and worked out what might be awkward situations for others.  she is the quintessential southern woman.

my fear is i have forgotten someone, not because they mean less, simply my exhaustion.

i was watching a movie, not much else to do, sleep and watch t.v.  a few years ago before roku my choices would have been very limited.  now i can access all types of movies and shows.  i love all the documentaries. so in this one movie the child says how much she loves  butterflies. when she found out they only live a short time, sometimes for a month or less.  one day she went to her mother crying.  her mother sat her down and said yes they have a short life but what a beautiful life they live!

do i dare presume to compare my life to a butterflies?  it may be shorter than normal but it has been such a beautiful life.  from moment to moment my life is incredible.  my loving man does whatever he can to make my life better/ more comfortable.  friends who send cards, bring food and even bring food to the hospital.  a sister who comes to help in any way she can. somehow she got a hairdresser to come to my home and i am blown away by that prospect. A still in’s me to talk about her life delimna. here i am this close to the end and i still have the ability to share some last minute life advice.

i am just so grateful for all those who have impacted my life and allowed me to be a part of theirs.

i leave you with this …… my final thought for tonight….. my wish for my life

let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.  and you??

16 Comments

  1. Julia Sweeney said,

    For an unknown reason, you have been a part of my life for the last six years. I wish the same for you, peace and let it begin with all of us. I have no more words to tell you how I feel. I am so glad to call you friend.

    • s blake callahan said,

      we don’t need to know why my friend. i just accept your love and friendship by returning your love and friendship. i am hoping you are feeling better.

  2. prenin said,

    Love and hugs my friend, you will not be forgotten as you are a wonderful human being and my life would have been a darker place without you! 🙂

    God Bless and don’t worry: You have prepared well!!! 🙂

    Merry Christmas!!! 🙂

    Prenin.

    • s blake callahan said,

      my dear prenin you never fail to lift me up and make me know that i am loved as much as i love.

      big warm hugs and love to you. xxx

  3. jmgoyder said,

    I heart you – cannot think of any better words than that.

  4. Syl said,

    Yes please, peace on Earth!! And let it begin with all of us! Happy Holidays my dear lady, to you and Chris. Goddess bless and protect you both. Love and hugs Syl

    • s blake callahan said,

      i believe that peace is possible and maybe we are moving toward that. i know that sounds counter-intuitive but i just feel it in my soul. the goddess is ready to bless us all if we just open our heart to those blessings.

  5. tersiaburger said,

    Oh my precious friend how my heart aches for you. You are such a brave lady. An inspiration to the world. I hope you have a good night sleep and a good day tomorrow…one day at a time. Much love today and always

    • s blake callahan said,

      one day at a time indeed! i have had such a bad month i was losing hope, perhaps as your own vic did. the pain never seemed to lessen. today though was a new day and i am hopeful once again. thank you for your continued support and love. i have felt such a closeness to you and your family. i have followed you wanting to leave knowing you are stronger and missing her without climbing back in to that angry place. i send you love and big warm hugs! xxx

  6. Terry said,

    I love you my friend. You have been a wonderful friend and blessing in my life. Big hugs

  7. Laurie said,

    You’ve made me think of “Mariposa”, by Edna St. Vincent Millay — http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/ednamillay/7309

    • s blake callahan said,

      this is so apropos for me and this time in my life. thank you so much for sharing this with me!! this brings me great joy and gratitude.

  8. Judy said,

    Oh, Sandra – butterflies are such a beautiful metaphor. Perhaps you are going into the cocoon phase now and will emerge. The love you’ve so generously spread throughout your life will be your wings. I’m sorry for your continued decline and just don’t want you to suffer. I appreciate your updates and think of you often with so much love.

    • s blake callahan said,

      at a young age someone told me not to feel sad for the moth entering its cocoon state. the joy would be when it came out and was its other self….. the butterfly.

      in oregon we visited a butterfly “home” where there were all types of butterflies including the monarch. for hours we let one then another, sometimes multiple at one time, light on me. it was such a moving experience.i have felt a deep connection to them for most of my life.

      we must suffer in life to know when we are not suffering. we need to suffer so we know how to be grateful for all we have been given. i have been given much and am grateful to my suffering as well as my blessings.

      i think of you every day and send you love and hugs my friend

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