you just know

January 26, 2016 at 4:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

there are moments in our life that we can either look back and say “yeah, that changed my …” or you may actually just know at the moment that something important has happened.

it may change your life forever.

it may change your perspective.

it may change your soul/core of who you are.

it may be an event.

it may be a person.

it may be a book.

it may be a simple sentence spoken by someone at the table behind you.

it does however change you and in those moments we sometimes get a glimpse of how it is changing our world.

there have been many of these events/moments in my life. one of the most recent would be the blood transfusion.  even as we were walking through the doors where i would receive this ? i felt an urge to turn around and walk the other way back to our car.  notice i say walk back to our car? well on that day i was walking from the parking lot, although from the closest handicapped spot, but i was walking without assistance most of the time and without all consuming pain.

after that day, three days later actually, my life has been changed once again.  i had to be admitted to the hospital after the transfusion. i left there with a walker and oxygen. i was no longer able to travel and forget about driving.  outings with friends and family were now highly unlikely. a friend living in another state whom i wanted so much to come visit was not able to due to my serious health change.

the fluid buildup means i have difficulty breathing. at times i cough so hard it feels like i am going to suffocate.  even with the oxygen these attacks come.  it is frightening to say the least. the fluid around my heart is more of a problem.  don’t get me wrong none of this is unexpected.  it is the suddenness of all the changes that has caught us off guard.  i have a progressive disease that should have claimed me before year five. it has been two and a half years longer at this point.  there are no complaints here.  we have had such a great life together.

he still talks about the future.  after talking about some event in 3 years he says i will be here for it to take place. this is at once endearing and heartbreaking.  my voice says please accept the reality and talk about how you are going to move forward with these plans without me. his voice says “you don’t know” and “i can’t think about that now.”  i understand but then who do i talk to and feel like they will help him when the time comes?  it seems unfair to burden the kids even though they are adults.

funny that the moment i saw him walking down the street with that little bounce of his i knew my life was about to change forever.  i had no way of knowing just how true that would turn out to be for us both.

on good days and bad i like to take a few minutes and think about the moments that have made my life this beautiful experience.  there are too many to list here. if you think about it you have more of these little moments than you think.  i hope that even when i am gone you will keep me on your life of moments, you will always be on mine:)


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