what are you waiting for?

January 26, 2014 at 6:37 pm (death, end stage congestive heart failure, gratitude, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, testing for kidney failure, the dr. says)

As you may know we have done some traveling in the past few months.  There are stories to share and some pics to post.  So why haven’t I done this?  I have been waiting to feel better.  The problem with that is I am not going to feel better.  This is the new norm for me.  Don’t get the tissues out just yet.  Though my latest lab results confirm my decline they also inspire me.  Isn’t life just a little bit dearer when we are in a moment like this?

There is no doubt I love and appreciate my family and friends.  If I were healthy would I have such acute awareness of my blessings? I hope I would but know that life can get in the way sometimes and we aren’t always as thoughtful/mindful as we could be.

The lab results for my creatinine, bun and potassium were high so according to webmd-

A BUN test is done to see how well your kidneys are working. If your kidneys are not able to remove urea from the blood normally, your BUN level rises. Heart failure, dehydration, or a diet high in protein can also make your BUN level higher. Liver disease or damage can lower your BUN level. A low BUN level can occur normally in the second or third trimester of pregnancy.

Tests that give insight as to how your liver is working show that mine is in a down ward motion.  I could likely use a blood transfusion at some point.

So those are the technical results that confirm what my body is telling me.  It asks the question, what are you waiting for? This is the new norm. be grateful and do the things that are important to you.

What are you waiting for? Is it time to stop waiting and start acting? I don’t want to miss out on anything.  No more waiting for me.  I hope no more waiting for you; life is too precious to spend it waiting.

p.s. the caps are because I did this on word and just copied it here.  It means nothing that I don’t usually cap and have on this one:)

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it is what it is and it is good

October 6, 2012 at 3:39 am (death, death with dignity, dying, gratitude, how does it feel to die, living with dying) (, , , , )

while searching the internet i came upon this post, unfortunately he did pass on and yet he left us all these words.  sometimes words are all we have, then we don’t even have them….

If I have eight months to live, there is a lot of fun to be had. Once I am too sick or tired, I can watch movies, read books and have friends over. When I become too weak for that, I can enjoy the peace of our sweet home and the hugs of my wife. Not a bad way to spend the rest of my life.

My mantra of “it is what it is” means more to me now than ever. Regretting anything left undone would be a waste of time and energy. I will enjoy what is left.  LEE LIPSENTHAL, M.D

just this afternoon my love and i were discussing this topic.  he had asked me how i was and my reply was the standard “fine.”  he looked at me and said “you are a lot of things but you are not fine.”  at the time i was almost lying in my recliner. it was a hard day so we were here just hanging and talking.  lots of times when i am feeling pain it helps to think of all the comforts in my life and how happy i am.  not that it eliminates the pain completely but it really helps me.  one of the great things about us is we really get each other.  that is one of the best gifts we can receive.

when i reply that i  may not be fine in the literal sense yet i am fine with my life.  what better place to die than here?  who better to have at my side during this adventure?  i am sad and happy all at once that he will not be with me on my next adventure.  we will have to do the hardest thing two people in love ever have to do, we will have to let go.  we have held each others hands for 20 yrs.  it has been a good 20 yrs.  life is good.

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August 6, 2012 at 1:45 am (anniversaries, death, how does it feel to die, joy) (, )

17 yrs ago we headed to Lake Tahoe and got married.  a month later we had the wedding that had been planned for several months.  this was not the first marriage for either of us and yet it was the first marriage in my heart. from the moment i layed eyes on him 20 yrs ago life has been truly a joy.  not that we have a life without strife.  for some reason this is difficult for me to write about.  how to put in to words, without sounding like a braggart, the difference in life now vs. the b.c. (before chris).

b.c. life :  there had been a marriage previously entered in to with hesitation and doubt.  it ended abruptly with his death.  there had been little happy moments yet nothing memorable.  most days were white knuckled hoping he didn’t get drunk and gotten behind the wheel.  he was a troubled man with a troubled past.  i was a nurse and he was a patient.  after nearly dying of alcohol poisoning he turned his attention to the nurse who runs the stairs everyday.  when well enough he is off to rehab and sends loving letters.  they would be  the only loving words for the next 10 yrs.  that was then and i have let go of those times.

tomorrow we are off to savannah.  the trip will be exhausting, we both know that.  one more reason to love and treasure this man, the ease in which he accepts these changes that affect his life.  mornings in the past were early rising and chatter.  now it is late rising for me and so he  is on his own most mornings.  past trips were spent wandering the streets, antiquing, walking much of the time.  when first planning this trip the conversation addressed the possibility he would go on his own to do some of the activities he enjoys and are no longer an option for me.  just remembering the conversation brings a mist to my eyes.  my love dismisses being on his own and suggests carriage rides, the wildlife refuge, and a visit to a tea room.

will this be the last wedding anniversary?  it is likely to be a last.  since entering year 5 the thought is never far from my mind.  to think that statistically people with this diagnosis do not live to the end of year 5. that is an anniversary and a reminder of what is coming.  as we plan our getaway, our 17 years of love is the only anniversary that matters.

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pain in the shadows

July 20, 2012 at 4:13 am (bravery, coping, death, dying, feelings and thoughts, how does it feel to die, pain medication) (, , , , )

if he arrives during the day, most often he is relegated to the shadows.  smiles to cover his unexpected arrival.  so many subtleties to redirect the obvious.  a small smile, little extras to take care of and before you know it not only are they fooled but somehow you have even fooled yourself. or not, maybe you know that in the shadows and late hours he will be back for you.

as a young girl many joked that such a small girl could run and dance before crawling. actually crawling never appealed to me. the scrubbing of knees, dirt and so less freeing as the movement on tiptoe.  yes during this period of parents insisting that pre-toddlers wear these white hard shoes meant to make feet strong and straight.  my feet became strong, straight and they became toes shoes.  running and dancing on toes quickly broke them down.  making them the perfect dance shoes.

marie would lose her temper and pain came for me.  he was kind and apologetic.  it isn’t your fault he would say, let’s dance and soon you will for get why i am here and only trust that i am here and we can do something beautiful out of this ugliness. so the years went by and one marriage brings a new kind of pain, one  not known to even exist before.  his hand reaches for mine. can you run through the basics? what about a little soft shoe?  down by the sea, by the beautiful sea,  you and me, you and me, oh how happy we’ll be!  he has been my friend for many years, more than any other friend.  in the army, broken  legs, broken arms, broken back…. he was there.  he is tall, dark and quit eloquent.

so this morning it is 4:45a.m. and he is here.  he embraces me, he whispers in my ear, would i like to send him away?  we talk about that. what will that mean to send him away? there have been times his   outline is vague and though i know he is there waiting there are times i can not let him have a place.  the wee hours of the morning are the best time to see each other. those are the times he reaches for me. his arm slips around my  shoulder or waist. my head can rest on his shoulder.

it is time to go to bed and there is no room for you.  i will reach out to my husband, put my arms around him. he will slip his arm around me and whisper of our love.  you will have no place in our bed.

someday i will leave you, we will never dance again, my last dance will be with the man i love and the man who has put his all too real arms around me and we will rock a bit and dance a bit and i will seek my ease from him. you have been a part of my life too long.

though I know i have many years of pain ahead and want to keep you as the companion you have long been we will be saying adieu for ever before we know it.


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is this word overused? and what is bravery anyway?

July 18, 2012 at 2:35 am (angina, bravery, choice, coping, death, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

how often do we hear this word?  at times it seems ridiculous, a neighbor gives her beloved shitzu his oral medicine and he is “such a brave little man.”  even the child obeys the command not to whack his sibling is brave.  we “brave the storm”    to a performer it is to stand up on a stage alone  with an acoustic guitar requires bravery bordering on heroism. Bordering on insanity. Richard Thompson   to the writer of great works – Curiosity is one of the forms of feminine bravery. Victor Hugo.
so what is bravery really? curiosity is not my ideal of bravery, however, there was a time in our history when an inquisitive mind in the female form was definitely stepping into a new and challenging arena.  the men and women who fight our wars, are they brave? the person fighting the odds against a devastating disease?  what about the loved ones of that person? aren’t they brave?  if someone decides to go to the bitter end are they brave?  what about the one that decides to spare family and loved ones?
big girls don’t cry? is it weak to show how you feel? sometimes the boundaries are blurred and though it would not be my intent to make others uncomfortable i know that showing weakness would do just that.  now i am the brave one, that could change so quickly.  to add to the dilemma though some say cry if you feel like it i am under no delusions here that it would change things.  no one wants to be around that person who says the truth about how awful this really is.  to know that your time is running out and deal with that little nigle in the back of your brain that says go ahead and make that  plan, yeah go ahead and make that plan.  when the time comes and you can’t get your body to move, the congestion (accumulation of fluid) in your organs makes it hard to breath, gives you chest pain along with the exhaustion, your running fever and hoping it isn’t your kidneys failing, you can have the embarrassment of canceling those plans.
of course this goes beyond a lunch gathering or brunch date with family.  the disappointment reaches to vacations, hair appointments, grocery shopping and so much more.  yes sometimes it all becomes too much. then you remember how brave you have presented yourself to be and know that it is more important than you would hope.  can’t cry, must be brave.  just please someone tell me what bravery really is.

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no crying allowed?..

July 16, 2012 at 2:44 am (bravery, coping, death, dying, family, feelings and thoughts, how does it feel to die, leaving, living, love, truth) (, , , , )

even though I am tired all the time, and feel  as though a nap is calling to me, insomnia is a constant companion.  looking at the clock and knowing that morning is only a few short hours away the frustration builds.  finally it is after 4 a.m. and heading to bed with great hope and trepidation.

in some writings it is described as the “wee” hours of the morning.  it feels like something more to me.  as i lay in bed, and try to avoid looking at the clock,  everything is changing.  the bedroom goes from that pitch black that envelopes you and hides the hidden dangers to your toes and shins.  once in bed, eyesight adjusts and it is the room you know.  the room where you lay completely vulnerable.  this room holds your trust of safety while the body surrenders and the mind embraces the opportunity to dream and restore itself.  the light changes yet not dramatically. is this the wee hours?  as i lay next to my love who gave himself to the bed hours ago.  small snores, legs moving, grabbing and pulling sheets, it is an honor to be trusted with this time, while he dreams I watch.  loving the way his face looks so peaceful and boyish.  even in sleep he reaches for me, kisses my hand, whispers of love.  then turns away to slip back to his dreams.

feeling the change coming and knowing it is going to be full-blown morning soon.  my mind wanders.  asking the hard questions of myself.  all the arrangements have been made and there is a feeling of readiness and a wondering why it hasn’t happened yet.  there are a few things i could still do.  there is something about knowing i have entered that 5th year.  somehow that doesn’t seem like the underlying motivation.  fear is not a factor.  love of life has not changed, yet doesn’t prevent this feeling.

laying on my side, feeling the change from night to day upon me, it begins.  not even acknowledged until it becomes impossible to avoid.  yes, tears have been shed.  not great sobbing or even sadness.  just tears and then some harsh words for the eyes that would dare to betray me in such a blatant display.

from the onset there has been an all out effort to not cry, to not complain, to not impose on others and to make everything as easy for others as possible.

tears were shed and it was hours before sleep came.  no one saw the tears.  that somehow hurts and a part of me wants to complain or really just to be heard, wants to be honest about this weakness.

it is after 3 a.m. and there are new tears, clinging to  the edge, waiting to drop, they will be silent.  i will be silent…….

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the rights of the dying, do we really need it spelled out for us?

May 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm (death, death with dignity, defibrillator, doctors, dying, euthanasia, family, feelings and thoughts, how does it feel to die, meditation and pain, pain medication, religion and death, rights of the dying, truth, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

the following is from another source and is sited at the end of the article.  my question after reading this is do we really need a book that tells us how we want to be treated and that in an ideal world this is how we would all be treated?  these are just some of my personal thoughts on the subject.  we all have some basic human rights and we know that not all in this world enjoy those rights for many reasons.  some it is political, religion or even on the smaller scale it is the world we as a family or community have created.  in other’s there are these rights and more, the luxury of being able to afford such rights.

my opinion is just that an opinion. the book itself may be of great value to some, just not me.  please make up your own mind if this book is for you.  my goal here is just to continue the discussion and not to critique this book in any way.

The Rights of the Dying

The right to be treated as a living human being

* we are born are we not with the right to be treated as a living human being? do this imply we must remind people we are living? in some cases it is easy  for our loved ones to stop asking our opinion about things, usually due to kindness and not wanting us to use our energy on the mundane.  most of us want the mundane. we want to know that we are still contributing on some scale no matter how small.  it is a blessing to me that my friends still seek my advice or opinion. sometimes they just want an ear and that is part of being a friend or sister or spouse.  would you check our account balance or has that check cleared? can you text since i don’t text? can you help? even in the smallest way is just part of being a living human being.

The right to maintain a sense of hopefulness, however changing its focus may be.

*in my opinion no one can take away your hope!! even if it is the smallest hope for the day. this is something that is personal to each of us. to say we can lose that right is ludicrous.  did the prisoners of the camps have the right to hope? of course they did. not even the Nazis and the extermination could take away their hope if they decided to make that part of who they were.  no doctor can change if i decide to hope, and if that hope is not that i live but that i die with ease that is my right too.  do i need a book to tell me that i have this right?

The right to be cared for by those who can maintain a sense of hopefulness, however changing this may be.

*this one is a bit more tricky. by cared for do they intend that medical staff be required to stay hopeful?  do they have to be hopeful for me to receive good care?  if we can focus on medical staff first, it is certainly desirable for my dr. to remain hopeful and to let that change. don’t they also have to be able to be honest with their patient. i for one want to know the real deal and not some fairy tale.  not that long ago women weren’t always told the truth and in fact dr’s could make that decision for the entire family..  sometimes husbands were told and then it was up to them to make the final decision of what the little woman would be told.  my dr. does not have to hope that there will be a miracle for me.  i can hope for what i choose.  as a former nurse it makes sense that an attitude of supporting the patient in what they hoped for would be requisite.  it is of course what we would hope for in family that cares for us.  let’s not mistake what we would like and what may not be an option. if you are being cared for by family they may not feel hopeful.  do we then say they are not adequate caretakers?

The right to express feelings and emotions about death in one’s own way.

* there are rights and there are responsibilities that go along with these rights.  do i have the right to say whatever i want without regard for the feelings of others? this isn’t just a question for someone who is dying. just because you are dying doesn’t give you the right to disregard the feelings of others.  someone who is not dying has the right to say how they feel about their life and those around you have the right to say that is not acceptable to me. if you are hurting someone else with your words how is it so special that you are dying?  the reality goes beyond this, if you were to say to your doctor i can’t take this and i am going to go home and end it all he then has to take steps to protect you.  this may not be the result you want however if you say whatever you want without thought to consequence it may not lead where you want.  telling someone they have the right without explaining the consequences seems a bit irresponsible.

The right to participate in all decisions concerning one’s care.

*this is a patients right and not just for the dying.  you may have guessed by now that it annoys me for someone to “write” a book without having some new or crucial information.  books cost money, people buy them thinking the person writing has some expertise unless it is just a personal account of events/your own life.  it does leave me wondering who is being denied this right? years ago elderly patients were not routinely being asked to participate and since they grew up in an era of the dr. knows best they often gave up this right willingly. it is sad to think this was happening, the good news is our society is making strides in rights for everyone.

The right to be cared for by compassionate, sensitive, knowledgeable people who will attempt to understand one’s needs.

* is this a re-hash of previous rights?  were the writers being paid by the word here? again in an ideal world and we would hope this goes without saying.

The right to expect continuing medical care, even though the goals may change from “cure” to “comfort” goals.

* we have entire specialties now that focus on the comfort.  hospice is the go to for this. they also

The right to have all questions answered honestly and fully.

* we should expect this not just as a patient with a terminal illness.  if we are not getting honesty from those around us this may not be a new problem.  my hope would be that we deal with dishonest relationships before we arrive to this gate.

The right to seek spirituality.

*this doesn’t seem to be a problem now if ever. when in the hospital a chaplain came to my bedside each day.  my issue was the opposite, it was assumed that i am christian and even when i explained as kindly as possible that i am not christian he pushed to come anyway.  he was a nice man and i couldn’t bring myself, even in intensive care, to assert my right NOT to seek his prayers.  oh well, i decided it wouldn’t hurt me so no harm no foul.

The right to be free of physical pain.

* one would only hope but i am here to tell you it may be a right, however, you are going to have pain and will have to decide how you want to handle this as an individual. my choice not to take meds may not be your choice.  pain is a part of living, again this is an individual choice. toward the end many change their mind about the comfort meds can offer. some decide to keep their awareness and forgo that aide.

The right to express feelings and emotions about pain in one’s own way.

*this is just filler. this has been addressed in earlier points.

The right of children to participate in death.

* again not sure why we need to be told that our family has the right as do we to be in their loving presence at the end if that is what all concerned choose.

The right to understand the process of death.

*each death is different and dr’s can give you some information based on previous cases but keep in mind your experience may be unlike others.

The right to die.

* we have the right to die but not with dignity except in a few states.  we can refuse life-sustaining measures but in doing so we give up the right to be pain-free.  those who oppose death with dignity say we can just stop taking meds or nutrition/water. in doing so we will eventually die a long and sometimes suffering death.

The right to die in peace and dignity.

* this is a legal right in some states but not in the majority. this is a shame on our society.

The right not to die alone.

*again this is not really a right as i see it. it is our wish for those who do not want to be alone at the end.  too many do die alone and lonely. until we have a society that does something to change this, it is an ideal and not a reality.

The right to expect that the sanctity of the body will be respected after death.

*if forced to call 911 as you are not under hospice care the 911 team must do everything possible to restore you to life.  that is not being respected as i see it.  we can expect it and need to understand it is a possibility that it won’t happen.  just remember that your family is going to do all they can to ensure this.
“The Needs of the Dying” by David Kessler


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Back to the list making

March 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm (angina, coping, death, defibrillator, family, Uncategorized) (, , )

so I have had a couple of days to think about what happened the other night.  after seeing the video about the man being eaten by the orca and then immediately hearing about my friends brother, it was really just overload.  my emotions seem to be affected more lately. everything I read says that happens, however, I had not experienced it so maybe it was wishful thinking but there you go I was hoping to avoid this one. would it be so much to ask?  just one little symptom.  there haven’t been any complaints from me to this point and not to be a baby here but I have suffered some fairly intense pain and without much fuss.  so far it has just been the annoyance of canceling an event or evening with friends or family.  sunday we were going to have the occupants of the moonshine mansion over and had to cancel.  it worked out well in the end as something unexpected came up on their end as well.  monday was a total loss and yesterday was not much better. 

tonight though we had dinner with our friends and it was so enjoyable that even the pain from the angina could not bring me down.  my sister Angie called earlier and we gabbed a bit.  I told her about the video and the friend’s brother.  it occurs to me the statistics may be right and we are wrong. maybe I am not going to be the exception.  research shows I will not live to see year 5.  February marked my 4 yr anniversary.  my angina is now unstable and that is not a good sign. it moves me closer to setting a date to have my defib turned off. she asks if his was off and i say no.  she says this time next year I will remember this and celebrate that we are right, I will make it. 

this brings me back to my list making.  i have a clear understanding of what his stuff means to him, that is not the issue here.  he becomes overwhelmed and as he gets older it is harder for him to lose anything.  even a sock.  he was cleaning out drawers ( I have to laugh here) and as i came in the door a single sock flies across the room and into a drawer that was supposed to be the object of his attention.  why keep one sock? i may need it.  honey really?  okay the other one is in there.  show me.  no.  please show me. no, you can take my word for it.  please just show me. okay, there is no other sock.  then maybe you can let this one go?  for you.

if he can not part with a sock how will he part with my things?  so I try not to collect anything he will need to decide about later.  my hope is our girls , all of them if need be, can help him move through this difficult time.  one other way of handling this is for me to designate people to receive certain things.  i am sure there is going to be a lot of “what the hell?” and she must have been kidding when they see the list. all I can say is I hope they keep their sense of humor!  this stuff has to go to people who will do with it what he would not be able to … let it go.

back on track and making my lists again. there are still some things to be done.  in between we are still living life to the fullest.  tonight my love said I will make it longer than anyone expects because I am loved.  i know he means to encourage me to stay positive.  the truth is people die everyday who are loved. people who have a great support system and the money to buy the best care possible.  this is another gift i enjoy, we have great insurance so that isn’t a problem.  just knowing there are no worries about money and seeking medical care gives me an advantage that so many don’t enjoy.  we all deserve it. everyone deserves to have the best medical care and not have to worry about the bills or can they even get in.  we do live in a great country but we are not done! we have far to go.  maybe if our elected officials would be required to make a to do list and show it to the public we could judge them on what they are actually going to do in their service of us.  they are supposed to represent us aren’t they, I mean all of us. not just the republicans and not just the democrats.  ok I am way off track here. 

my life will be gone in the blink of an eye. if no one is looking will anyone know? will I be missed?  these are questions that come to me and then I think …

why would people not want to have healthcare for everyone, how can people be better informed about hospice care and what about that Rush Limbaugh calling that girl a slut and saying it is “entertainment”   these issues will be here after i am gone.  they seem to move me from the small world of me to the real world of us.

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I was not expecting this …..

March 20, 2012 at 2:51 am (death, defibrillator, dying, how does it feel to die, life is random) (, , , , )

a couple of days ago I messaged a friend in another state.  we are not exactly friends but are acquainted in a rather strange way.  TG has a brother who had a defib implanted about the same time I did.  the brother was doing well and enjoying this gift of extra time as I am.  tonight I saw that TG had answered my message and it started with how he and his wife are doing, then he says his brother passed in Jan.

of course I am happy for the brother who had his brother for the extra time.  I am happy for the brother who had the gift of time.  he seemed to make the most of that time.  it was not a cure of course and so he is gone.  just like that …. one moment we are here and next we are gone.

earlier today a friend sent a video that showed a man on the beach, he is waving to his friend who is holding a video camera.  the man is waving and suddenly an orca scoops him up and he is gone.  he was not in the water, he was on the edge of the water.  if his friend had not been looking no one would have ever known what happened to this man.  that is almost incomprehensible.  he was just gone,  just like that…. gone.

my own health is changing, now I have angina or maybe I always did and it is just severe enough to notice.  I have booked and planned the trip to oklahoma for my husbands reunion.   if I can’t make it I am hoping that one of his daughters will go.  I will do my best to go if I am not gone by then.  It could happen to any of us, we are smiling, waving, and then we are gone.  just gone…..

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Do You See What I See? Do The Dead Visit Those Who Are Dying?

January 22, 2012 at 1:12 am (death, dying, how does it feel to die, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

Do the dead visit those who are dying or is it just me? another reason I would love to find blogs or books by people who are dying.  most of what I have read encourages others who are living disease free lives. it is inspiring to read about someone who knows they have pancreatic cancer and yet lives to that last moment with all they have.  so many brave souls have gone before me.  although I truly see them as brave it is not a word I would use for myself.  my life is ordinary and I like it that way.  we enjoy a day of eating soup/sandwich and browsing the book store.  watching old movies, sitting side by side reading and sharing what we are reading.  husband and I never seem to tire of each others company and yet we treasure moments with family and friends.  that is not brave, that is a gift I selfishly give myself.  some give lectures and include hand stands, others make movies, some write for magazines.  in absence is the appearance of loved ones who have gone before that come in dreams. 

for the past few months I have been dreaming of those I have known over the years who have passed on.  this is of interest to me and husband as I do not tend to remember dreams.  that is not entirely accurate.  when I remember a dream it is one so vivid and prophetic that if I had not learned at an early age to accept them it would be maddening.  these dreams are so moving and comforting, somewhere in my psyche lies the origins I am sure and at the same time not sure at all.  the last one was of a young man named Danny.  when we were quite young he was in love with me and I he.  not in the romantic way though, he had recently confided in me his attraction to the same-sex.  being evangelical born again christians he knew his family would never accept him as he truly was.  this was in the early 70’s, i was legally married to a man who was more brutal than I have ever encountered in all my years and that includes my forensic patients.  my son was 2 and loved Danny. Danny loved him and we had decided we would be married and raise son as Danny’s.  loving him the way I did it was hard to see him sacrifice his own happiness although in my mind’s eye it seemed possible he could live his life and i mine within the same house.  after much discussion it was decided that he would go on a short getaway with a professor he cared for.  several days went by with no word from him. this was so not like him, his mother called, his brother called and finally the park rangers were called.  he was found with his friend in the back of the camper, there had been a sudden unexpected freeze that night they were camping and someone lit the hibachi. the two of them died of asphyxiation during that cold night.  you can only imagine being found several days after death was not a pretty sight.  something not thought of in years and never consciously in regard to the condition of the bodies when found.  this being pertinent only as it pertains to my confusion by this dream. 

when I have these dreams, and the focus now is on these few dreams of late, there has been no waking thoughts of said visitors during the past few days.  deep in sleep which is rare these days except during my visits from the past.  we are in a park type setting with people all around, he is as he was that last day, young, smiling and little crinkles around his eyes even then.  there is a pool, we slip in easily and drift to one end away from the few that might hear our conversation.  the words are not important it is him and we have that ease of old friends.  people are moving away from us, they begin to raise their voices and point to the sky.  flies are everywhere, not oversized like a real nightmare but the sheer number is enough to quicken my pulse and as I reach for his hand ( we must move right?) he smiles and says “it wasn’t like you would imagine, it was just going to sleep.  I saw myself like watching some interesting show but felt no attachment to the body laying there.  yes there were flies and much worse, don’t worry it will be easy when the time comes.”  then he said “you have a sinus infection, wake up and take care of yourself.”  at that I woke and realized indeed the early symptoms of a sinus infection.  it seemed the most natural thing to walk into the other room and he would be there. he was not of course.  husband might have been confused if he had been:) 

over the past few months there have been others, each passed in different ways and shared with me their experience and seemed reassuring that my own is coming closer, the rest of the message is not to despair.  though I am not anxious to go I have not worried it would be traumatic.  my question is … have those before experienced this? have they been written off as hallucinations or too much medication?  in the medical field it was named intensive care psychosis. my own grandmother was given that diagnosis at the time.  she seemed unnaturally focused to me and it was difficult to believe what the staff wanted me to believe.  now I ask again was that really what happened?  I am here to tell anyone else who experiences this that they are not alone.  if no one has then maybe I am not as lucid as I think.  then again…

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