love is…

December 27, 2011 at 2:29 am (family, friends, holidays, love) (, , , , )

this was my status on Facebook for the past few days. think everyone had an opinion? you would be wrong as was I.  2 brave friends stepped up to comment on this subject.  some may have been too busy with the holidays or just not sure how to respond.  my sister made the interesting observation that love is power and many of us know that power. it is not used for good as much as one might hope. the other response was that it is unconditional and we have heard that and hope to believe it but is it true?  my guess is there are many conditions on love or we would not have a 50% divorce rate, we would not kill our spouses and children, would we let our elderly be neglected if we loved unconditionally? no I can not as much as I would like believe in unconditional love. 

some of us have learned the hard way that unconditional love that is not returned but used as power for one person over another can be the hardest of all betrayals. 

this is in no way a recommendation, if you find yourself with a long-term terminal illness you will certainly learn what love is and who in your life values your love.  these people are not the ones who toot their  own horn and make a  point of telling anyone who will listen how much they love and how freely they give of themselves.  these are the people who may truly love unconditionally.  when you are throwing up they are holding your hair, bringing you a wet towel, being the laugh or cry you need to have. 

the man who shares my life and love gives of himself in this dependable and free way.  the younger sister, the 2 step-friend (step-daughters) and even their mother has a kind of love that she has shared.  there are friends and friends that feel like family that too is love to be treasured.  the love of grandchildren is like non-other and can not be compared to any other type of love. 

love may not always be unconditional, it is a gift given.  over the years I have asked myself if I am lovable or worthy of love, this is a question I still ask of myself,  knowing what a priceless gift is being given I truly want to  be worthy of such a gift. 

another holiday season has come and is going, my season may be coming to an end.  I have been more tired and pain has been more of a companion than in the past.  I feel like the girl who sings she could have danced all night and still have asked for more.  I will not ask for more but I have certainly danced all night for several days:)  it has been a wonderful time and going home on a cloud of music and love leaves me hoping for more!  if there is to be no more dancing I will dream and treasure the memories of  shared love, laughter and decisions made not to waste another dance on people who drown out the music.  yes ang I mean you!  others will carry on the joy of this dance of life for me and that brings me such pleasure I can only smile at the thought.

until we meet again, may you hear your own music, share it with those who are worthy of your love and define what love is for you.  don’t let anyone else define who you are, who you are not and what love is for you……

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this too shall pass….

December 20, 2011 at 10:31 pm (family, friends, holidays, hope, Uncategorized) (, , , )

one moment I am asking how much fun can a girl have and get away with it, the next I am getting the answer.  the last few days have been so much fun, seeing friends, getting out and just feeling normal for a while.  last night just before some friends arrived at our house I started feeling the physical toll that can sometimes come on so quickly I get whip-lash.  then they are at the door and life fills the room.  there is no room here for thoughts of anything but sheer joy.  baby g is dancing, tinliz who arrived in a funk seems to be breaking through, hd, or the baby mama, is looking tired but appears to be happy to be here with us in this moment.  k is her usual sweet self and it is easy to put worries aside for this time.  this moment, this memory being made.  every fiber of my being is warning me, how can I listen now?  now I am rushing toward happiness and the kind of love and contentment that feeds the soul.  this has been my hope and my goal all year-long, another holiday with my family.  whether it be one more or … the important thing is it is another year. another opportunity to love and be loved. 

so I have to believe that this will pass, the truth is even if it doesn’t I am happy.  hope lives here, here in my heart.  it is not the same kind of hope experienced a few years ago. it is so different as to be almost unrecognized. much like an old married couple who has loved for so many years they have not stopped to think of how their love for each other has become so much more than it was in the beginning.  my hope has become not that I will live forever but that I will live in the memories and hearts of others for their forever.

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even a bad day can be a great day with love

October 2, 2011 at 11:01 am (family, friends, last message) (, )

too often people think they are doing the right thing by not “disturbing” or “imposing” on someone who is dealing with illness. nothing could be farther from the truth. Please impose on me and please disturb me. today was not one of my better days as far as physical well-being goes, however, it was a great day for my spirit and soul. we have a dear friend who has a one yr. old girl I will call G, G is the kind of baby that lights up the room when she is there and today she was lighting up our house. on thursday her mother HD mentioned she did not have a sitter for today and of course I volunteered. HD is hesitant to ask or to “impose” on me due to my health. what I wish she and others would understand is I want to be asked and I don’t want to be thought of as too weak. yes physically I am limited, I know this. I would never put G at risk by watching her alone. My husband also loves G and he is so good with her. to be trusted with this most precious gift is a gift to me. what some might take for granted becomes an event for me. yes I am tired but it is a tired you look back at and think “wow” what a great day was this!

yesterday we went to Costco and started our christmas shopping. it is early but I love this time of year and can’t wait to have cooler days and trips to Charleston. the last time I called Kristen my granddaughter asked if that was nana on the phone. when told it was she came closer and I could hear her say she wanted to talk to me. that sounds like such a little thing doesn’t it? it isn’t though, it is one of those moments that will stay with me and bring a smile to my face and my heart. she didn’t talk long and then she said the words “I you” which is of course short for I love you. even now thinking of her makes me smile. her brother, my grandson, is having a birthday party today and I am a little sad I didn’t get to see him. I know that our time is coming though. soon it will be cool and traveling to Charleston is what I look forward to.

I can’t speak for others but I will say that I know people think they are being considerate by not bothering us, not asking us to do what they would if we weren’t “sick.” I would ask that you not think of us in those terms. remember that we still want to be asked to help out, we want to be part of life. as for me I think I just added to my time, being with G and just thinking of my joy to come and the joy I have had, I feel better than I did 20 minutes ago.

one last thought before I go tonight. I have made my point about leaving things in order for your loved ones and taking care of important decisions now and not later. a friend of a friend whose mother passed many yrs ago still hurts that her mother left her without any type of note or message. I am making notes and videos for my loved ones so after the event they can have something to remind them of the good times and how much I have loved them. I think this is important for those left behind. one last impression to confirm it was real and in times of sorrow something to make them smile and remember the good days. do this for your loved ones and do it for you.

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Oprah says “what I know for sure”

September 17, 2011 at 10:18 am (friends, gratitude, hope, living, love) (, , , )

each month at the end of Oprah magazine there is an article entitled “what I know for sure.” I don’t get the mag each month but on occasion I do and always read this last article. it fascinates me that anyone feels they are sure about so many things in life. even now when I would hope for some sudden wave of wisdom to wash over me and give me clarity, I can not say I am any more sure of things than I was before. I have noticed however that even Oprah sometimes contradicts what she has stated earlier to be something she knows for sure. so my guess is we all may think at different times of our life that we know something, then some new experience changes our view.

my relationship with my mother, like so many other’s, is complicated. she has some issues with her heart, she had to have bypass surgery, and a few weeks ago she became quite ill. my sister Mandy called me and said she was taken by ambulance and did not think she was going to make it out. much to my surprise I was upset. if you had asked me before this call if I would feel bad I would have said no. not that I don’t care just that we aren’t that close. much to my surprise I went from being very practical about the steps that would need to be taken to tears. my poor husband didn’t know what to think but he was his usual supportive loving self. I should say he was supportive until I went into unrealistic expectations of myself. my middle sister lives the closest and has not been the most dependable person in our family. she also has a love- hate relationship with our mother. so I started thinking I would have to go to california and take care of things. my mother had also requested that my husband come to settle everything in the event of her death. there was no way I wanted him to take that on and I am not supposed to fly or travel far from home. so here is the shocker and changed what I thought I knew for sure. Mandy went to the hospital every day, she called me with information and updates. she also said she knew that mom wanted Chris or me to take care of things and she would be happy to help in any way she could. I had to take a moment and really grasp how different she was from what I thought based on prior experience. my youngest sister tends to be much more practical and cuts through the bull in a way Mandy never did. here she was though being so much more than I realized she could be. I love my sister but I now have some respect for her. I know when the time comes if I am still here I don’t have to worry. not about this anyway, my sisters are going to handle whatever comes and they don’t need me to do it for them.

something I do know for sure? well that would be that every day and night I feel blessed to have the life I have and can’t complain about it not being as long as I would like. the love of family and friends is a powerful thing to have in your life no matter what you are facing. each email, text, phone call and visit means so much to me. yesterday was my husbands birthday and he received calls from family and friends from all over, we had a small celebration and my step-friend heather, along with some close friends came over for a few hours to celebrate with us. while here one friend’s, one year old daughter took her first steps! what a miracle that was. to be allowed to be a part of that moment was such joy. seeing heather always makes me feel better and thinking about the coming months when we will see other family, our Charleston family, gives me great hope. dr. s did say he thought I would make it through the holidays and that was good news. not to be ungrateful but I think the holidays go through the middle of february at least.

whatever time I have I do know this for sure, I am grateful and just want to live each day to the fullest. to my friend Michelle, I hope you know for sure how much I care and respect you. to my family and friends who have become like family I hope you know how much I love and care about you. please know this for sure I am always with you no matter what!

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How do you cope with the uncertainty?

June 10, 2011 at 11:25 am (choice, coping, dying, family, feelings and thoughts, friends, gratitude, living)

this is a question one blogger is asking people to answer. she has a chronic illness which has its similarities to (in my opinion) terminal illness that extends past a few months or years. one reason I find this to be interesting;  isn’t life in general uncertain? the writer points out how random good days are and how hard it is to plan from day-to-day. working er/trauma and forensic psychology sort of teach you not to expect anything for certain on any given day. beyond that we all have little things that crop up and change our plans, somehow we adjust.  really I don’t know anyone who is certain about much. have children? well you never know what is going to happen today, make your plans but plan on making alternate plans. every day we experience little things that were not in our plan.

so life is uncertain and death is uncertain. yes I could go to sleep and not wake up but that could happen to someone who thought they were healthy. it is tragic when we hear of a young athlete dropping dead after a game due to an aneurism that no one knew about. the very thing that shakes us is how uncertain life is. if a young healthy person can die suddenly then we are more aware of our own mortality. I have embraced the great mystery of life and know that nothing is promised to any of us. even if you do everything “right” it can turn out all wrong, at least what we think is wrong.

many times I have asked myself would I rather not know my time is short here? there is no right answer to that for me. the fact is I do know and can use that information to do things the way I want. making arrangements ahead of time and easing the way for my family and friends is one benefit of knowing. having this knowledge allows me to treasure each moment and make a conscious choice to create as many memories for myself and loved ones as possible. sometimes I use these thoughts to make my way to the next moment. each laugh shared, each tear, they are all here in my heart and when my body is weak my mind uses this time to remember and plan for the next moment when I can check my email, text, or listen while others talk. I go ahead and plan, just like you do, and just like you those plans may have to change.

Life without uncertainty wouldn’t be real life, I want real life as long as possible. family is coming to visit tomorrow and I am excited, we have plans. those plans may change to accommodate my health. those plans probably will change but I will cope and so will they. next week my sister is coming to visit all the way from san francisco, she knows we will have to plan as the moment arrives. friends know I want to get together and make plans to but realistically they may not happen. so we make new plans. as hard as it can be for me I know that my uncertainty will end and the coping of my loved ones will begin. we will all know for certain that have coped with the situation dealt to us in the best way we could. we know for certain that we love each other. we know that we are fortunate to have this time. we know that life is uncertain and we do more than just cope, we live, we laugh, and we love.

so how do I cope? the same as anyone else alive, by living each moment, and appreciating it.

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nothing new in the truth

June 8, 2011 at 11:28 am (choice, family, feelings and thoughts, friends, gratitude, hope, joy, living, love)

The following is from an email I received in one of those forwards so many of us delete without reading. Since this came from a reliable source (thank you Susanne) I read it. I have seen it before and it just validates for me the way I choose to look at life, and the changes that are happening. The first time I saw this I smiled and thought what a great attitude and I hope I can live this way when things are not going so well. It is easy when you are young and the world is just so bright and old age seems light years away. of course old age is not the only thing that can happen to turn your world upside down. find out you are not going to make it to old age and see if you start assessing life a little differently.

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged … it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. ‘It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away.. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!

for me it is a checklist, literally: first did I wake up, okay that’s a good sign. eyes open, better. feet on floor, very good. husband, check. cats, check. take a shower without throwing up or coughing uncontrollably, doesn’t matter, I am up and on my feet. everything else is just by grace and I appreciate it. even tonight when pain is trying to crowd out every thought and feeling. yes even now I am grateful, I am feeling which means I am still here. my mind is as good as it has ever been, not sure what that says about me:) the absolute wonder of it all is the memories I have cannot be touched by even this pain. our Charleston family is visiting this weekend and I am going to rest up so we can make as many memories as possible. each time I am with them or even talk on the phone I am for that time not in pain. oh pain is there and trying to be heard, to push out the joy but I choose not to let it. who knows if that will work in the future. if it doesn’t I will find a way to adjust. I have already made up my mind. this disease will not decide how I love and will not tell me to stop making memories. it has been my privilege to be a part of many happy hours, days and weeks with those I love. as I sit here I can remember the first time my sister, who is 14 yrs younger than me, smiled at me and twisted my heart around her little finger. there are too many to write about here but I have been graced with much joy and love in life.

joy is an important part of our life and we can choose to have it. are you happy? make your list and be aware of what makes you smile inside and out. don’t let the days pass without that smile, it is your choice.

to clarify my last post I want to say it came across a bit whiny and that was not my intention. I worry about the people I love and know this is a bit of a rollercoaster. some days the news could be better and then it will be better. I worry about the toll it takes on others joy. recently a friend confided she felt she shouldn’t complain, she said compared to my problems hers were nothing. this is the kind of issue I want to avoid. my husband has said the same thing, and I understand what they are saying. however, to me it implies I am unable to have compassion for others and it is all about me. the truth is I want to be as supportive to them as they are to me. let’s not compare scar’s. another persons pain is as real as mine and I hope as long as I have a breath I will want to comfort others and be supportive of them. love doesn’t stop, not now and I hope not in my lifetime.

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keeping it real

May 24, 2011 at 12:09 pm (choice, family, friends, gratitude, joy, living, optimism)

while trying to stay optimistically realistic I have noticed how easy it is to slip over the line out of realistic.  the medication I stopped has not had time to make any real changes and yet I find myself watching and thinking how long since I felt this way or that way.

talking to my sister last night really helped. she was very supportive and reminded me that I know my body and am smart enough to make this choice. how lucky can one person be? I have so many people who support this decision and believe in me. I am a little annoyed with myself for not fighting for this sooner. when I spoke to my cardiologist in november 2010 and he said no, I wish I had been more pro-active. what matters is I am making that choice now. ask yourself if there are choices you could be making now for a better life? are you living your best life? if not, don’t be discouraged about the past, look forward and ask yourself what you really need to be happy. not what you need to be rich or famous or even in love, ask what you need to be happy. the answer may surprise you. as another psychologist said, it doesn’t take money to solve a money problem. this is one truth I wish people could hear and understand. money will not make you happy if you are not a happy person to begin with. no doubt we need enough to meet our basic needs, but when did basic needs become so vast and expensive? remember when people had one car? some people didn’t even have one! wow imagine that! we have become a nation of consumers and overly concerned with things rather than people.

my son-in-law told me one day that his kids ( my adorable grandchildren) did not seem to be affected by the downturn in the economy. this really caught me off-balance, my response was to say his children are not dependent on the things he can or cannot provide for them. his children are “recession proof” and I wish for more children their parents would provide this lesson. bill does things with his children. that simple. his children are fed and clothed and best of all loved. they spend time with their dad who could say as many do they are too busy working. Kristen and bill take their kids to events and tailgate with friends, camp out in the back yard and make smores. these are the important things that make them and their children “happy” people.

when I hear about the tornado’s and the victims it breaks my heart. one woman returned to her home and it was to the ground but at that moment someone found her cat and she was smiling. she was happy in that moment that she had her cat. that made her happy, those are the moments we need to remember. I can remember the day I had a heart attack, went in to multi-system failure or I can remember that Chris was by my side, that my family cared and friends came to see me. I got to go home and that was a truly happy moment. today I was thinking and remembered that it was 19 yrs ago on my birthday that I first laid eyes on Chris. still brings a smile to my face. I can choose to see the house razed to the ground or that my cat is safe.

some pessimists think optimists are silly and I can understand that. as an optimist I think pessimists are sad people who have been disappointed with life. I think we need a new label, let’s be optimistic realists! let’s be real that things are not always going to work out the way we want but never stop hoping that they will.

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what will the drs. say?

May 19, 2011 at 10:53 am (choice, doctors, family, feelings and thoughts, friends, gratitude, joy, living, love)

on average I give little thought to upcoming appts and what the drs. will say. this week I see my primary care dr. and next week my cardiologist. as I head in to these appts I do have some things on my mind. I have some decisions to make and want to make sure I ask all the right questions. being an informed patient is so important. it always surprises me how many people go to the dr. and come out not knowing any more than when they went in. admittedly some drs. do not encourage questions, they like to just give out what information they want to give and move on to the next patient. the facts for them are they have 15 minutes scheduled per patient and any more than that means they are working late, and the next patient is either waiting or someone’s time is being cut to make up for the overage. as someone who had 50 minute sessions I learned early on the chances of ending exactly on time were slim to non unless we were ending our sessions completely. under those circumstances people often did not show or just came in to say goodbye. for a short time someone else was helping me by making my appts and she booked me every hour on the hour! I was in the habit of giving myself at least a 1/2 hour in between and often just visited other staff to decompress. my california friend T was in an office close to mine and I could always count on her or her partner in crime DD for a laugh.

back to the appts at hand. for today I am not going to get into what I need to decide as I have not discussed it with my family and respect them too much to have them read about it here. this decision has been hanging over my head so to say for several months and I keep thinking I can’t do this now because of the holidays or birthdays or some other event. the truth is there will not be a good time to talk about this. however, I am trying to break it down into manageable pieces. first get as much information from the drs. find out what they are thinking and why. then I will decide when to sit down with my husband and we will decide about the rest of the family. at times we have not agreed on telling them news. I tend to be no news is not bad news and he wants to tell whatever is currently happening. my thoughts are this could be a long process (wishful thinking?) and I don’t like to put them through the little ups and downs which is just unnecessary stress. frankly I am still having problems with the whole “how are you today” question. most of the time it is followed by the ” you look good” comment. sometimes I think really? I look good? okay well I am having the worst day ever or have 0 energy but if you say I look good then…. but what are people going to say? wow you look good for someone with a heart that could stop any minute. that would be funny, I would like that actually:)

the great thing is I am going into this period with so much built up joy and love that I know, no matter what happens at this point, I have had such a good time I can’t complain! early on I said I would talk about my life, the early years, as I went on through this process. what I have discovered is it is all blah blah blah. let’s just say if you think of every horrible thing that could happen to a child, a young woman, a soldier, the wife of an alcoholic/drug addict, the daughter of an abusive mother you will know about half of what I went through in my pre-life. now I am married to a kind wonderful man who thinks I am his hero, I have a sister who I love and she loves me the way sister’s should, I have 2 step-daughters that are so much more, they are my friends as well. Grandchildren who love me and whom I adore, friends that feel like real friends and so much more. look around you, do you see how much you have or don’t have? I choose to see what I have and anything I don’t have is really of no consequence to me. My husband’s first wife Susanne sent me a birthday card, that my friends says so much.

if you live in america you are blessed by birth in a free nation, if you woke up this morning you have life, opened your eyes? put your feet on the floor? spoke? used indoor plumbing? ate what you wanted? made contact with another warm body? the list goes on and on. tonight and tomorrow as a start, think about each thing you do and imagine your life in another place or time without those blessings. choose to be grateful. I know there are days we want to say this sucks, and yes there are days it is a bit harder to find what you are grateful for but those are the days you need to be even more aware of each small blessing given to you. even the tears we shed are a gift, they are confirmation of our humanity, of loss which means we had or joy which means we have. I have a good life and someday people will say she “had” a good life.

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it’s all a blur

May 15, 2011 at 2:58 pm (choice, family, feelings and thoughts, friends, gratitude, joy, living, love)

much like our wedding day was, the celebration my dear husband planned, was wonderful and went by so quickly I would like an instant replay button! he promised a no fuss celebration, said he would take care of everything and he did. more than one guest commented on what a great job he did.

this is the thing, if you are living in the moment it doesn’t matter what may come tomorrow or a year from now. to anyone who is just waiting for the end that is what you will get, the end. I want all that stuff in-between! I want to live, love and laugh. that is what was on my cake. when we went to the bakery to pick out a cake I was very sure I did not want a “birthday” cake. so Chris thought about it and that is what was written on my amazing lemon cake. everyone was having a wonderful time and I did not think once about whether or not this is the last one. lately I have read some blogs written by people who are just not planning and giving themselves something to look forward to.

if you are reading this and you get nothing more than this, live your life now, that would be enough. it would make this worth the time I have spent to think that one person may say okay let me look at this another way. if you don’t have something or someone in your life to be grateful for then get off your behind and make it happen. you can still have love and you can laugh and you can live today.

although I was not crazy about the idea of a party, tonight I am grateful Chris wanted to do this. we asked for no gifts and for the most part people went along. however there were a couple who didn’t and I appreciated the thoughts. the cards were amazing. people obviously took the time to write something very personal and kind. I am a card person, give me a card anytime over a pricey gift.

let me just get to the BIGGEST surprise of all. my loving family from Charleston surprised me with a visit. when I came into the kitchen and saw them I was completely speechless. they drove from Charleston s.c. to north of Atlanta and have to go back in the morning. the gift of their time and the energy it took …. well let’s just say tears were shed. I share their 2 beautiful children with a number of other grandparents and yet I have never felt less than any of the others. my son-in-law is an incredible young man and I could not have been happier when Kristen married him. they have let me be a part of their lives and here they were on my birthday in our kitchen. heather came up again and I appreciate that more than she knows. someone asked me how many children I have and I wanted to dance with joy telling them how I have been blessed with becoming a member of this family. this is what I mean by living in the moment. yes I felt like dancing with joy and cried with the love and gratitude of where I am in my life.

there were also times I had to leave the room since the pain would become so overpowering I couldn’t breath. the great thing is I could take those moments and return without the awkward pitying glances or looks of concern. see that is their gift to me as well. we don’t need to talk about it. we know. they respect my choices and I am so grateful for that.

my youngest sister sent me flowers that arrived during the party and I knew she was thinking of me. next month she is coming all the way from San Francisco for a week. Kristen, bill and the grandkids are coming the weekend before that. something to look forward to, more time to love, laugh and just live. you may ask what if I continue to get worse? then I will and I won’t regret lost moments. I will have lived each moment and made memories to leave behind.

so if you are the one dying, call a friend, call a loved one and make a plan for the future. live your life now, don’t sit around waiting for what we all know is coming. the minute we are born we are dying just some of us sooner than expected. I wish for you to know the kind of joy where you say it’s all a blur and wish I could have an instant replay:)

one last thought and off to bed. remember that family is who we choose as family not just the family we are born into. I am grateful to the people who have chosen me to be a part of their family and to my sister who has made the choice to keep me as family:)

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just give me two more days

May 13, 2011 at 11:27 am (dying, family, feelings and thoughts, friends, gratitude, love)

I am on the count down to the “party” for my birthday on saturday. this is not the best timing as my health seems to be declining and this is most inconsiderate. well, it is. as the fluid builds up in my chest and abdomen from the congestive heart failure my organs push against each other and at times the slightest change in position can lead to the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. the most difficult part is trying to remain calm as my husband is sitting next to me and I don’t want him to start worrying now.

When would be a good time to worry? I’m not sure what the answer is I just know that I want to protect him and others I love from this. He held my hand and afterward said he felt so helpless. this makes perfect sense and is part of the reason I don’t want to worry anyone just yet. there is nothing anyone can do to stop this and that is what we want to do for people we love. we want to make things better even when we know we can’t. so we had a talk about this, having his hand to hold and being able to say this was not pleasant but it could be (and will be) much worse coming.

holding his hand, I am so lucky to have a hand to hold. so many people die alone, frightened, and washed with regret. I am not afraid of being alone at the moment of death I actually hope for it. I don’t want someone’s last memory of me to be sad. sunday was mother’s day and heather came for some time and we had brunch and talked. she brought me my favorite flower which is an orchid. she gave me a card that touched me so I almost burst with love and pride. please remember me like this, happy and grateful for all I have in my life. I have someone who loves me and will hold my hand in the worst of times just as he has in the best of times.

it does not stop with him and although he is enough I have been touched by the love of more than I would have ever dreamed just a few years ago. my life now seems like the only one I ever had, even though there was so much before this. my life started with Chris, I didn’t truly live before if that makes sense. if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else it will to him, he knows. he knows me the way we always dream someone will know us before we are gone.

so I don’t want to get all sappy here, that is not really …. I was going to say me. I may have to rethink that, maybe I am sappy but don’t want to show it. for some reason i do better when people are not too kind to me and once told a friend I love dearly “I love you okay? now don’t make me say it again!” they know who I am and like Chris love me inspite of it all. and yes I love them!

I am just asking for 2 more days, if things are going to get worse now that is okay, but if I could just have those 2 more days I would not ask for more.

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