a different kind of night

October 26, 2012 at 3:03 am (dying, holidays, how does it feel to die, leaving, living, living with dying, peace of heart, shackelford ponies, the dr. says, waiting) (, , , , , , , )

tonight is very different from just a few nights ago.  my sister is stretched out on the couch and is leaving tomorrow.  yesterday we went to see Argo with ben affleck and it was gripping.   as we walked up to the counter to pay she turned to us and said “i can pay for myself.”  of course she can, she has a great job, travels, lives in san francisco on her own.  she has a ton of friends and an on-off boyfriend.  i don’t have any reason to worry about her, well …. except she is my baby sister and  lives on her own in san francisco!

 this evening we spent together took me from the moment, to the past and the future.  in that moment i realized she is going to be fine.  a few years ago she came to stay with us, at the time she was going through an awful lot of emotional turmoil.  we were sort of a resting place, a place for her to make some decisions about what she wanted to do without the stress.  since i was 14 when she was born and the mother  really turned her over to me, i have a very protective love for her.  hearing her say she could pay for herself brought me back to the moment and i was so proud of her. 

the down side is it feels like letting go of that baby girl i first held, the girl who called me in germany to tell me about the boys she liked, the time she had a fight with her boyfriend and through her tears came to my lap to sit and cry.  the upside is i can go and know that she will be okay.

knowing that everyone is going to be okay is important.  my sister has said and it is so true, we are good, we have said  everything we need to say.  our calls end with i love you so when i go there is no doubt that we have a good relationship.  my husband will be sad but he is going to be okay.  my step-friends will be sad and they will stand by their dad and help him if they need to.  my friends know that i care about them and that if something needed to be said i would have said it.

so now, more than ever, we are just waiting.  while i am waiting i think i will go to the ocean and see the wild ponies. then we will have a big family thanksgiving, after that a cruise to the islands, and round out the year with the traditional Christmas in charleston!  this very well may be my last one and if it is i am going out with a bang:)  life is good, yeah life is real good!

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no crying allowed?..

July 16, 2012 at 2:44 am (bravery, coping, death, dying, family, feelings and thoughts, how does it feel to die, leaving, living, love, truth) (, , , , )

even though I am tired all the time, and feel  as though a nap is calling to me, insomnia is a constant companion.  looking at the clock and knowing that morning is only a few short hours away the frustration builds.  finally it is after 4 a.m. and heading to bed with great hope and trepidation.

in some writings it is described as the “wee” hours of the morning.  it feels like something more to me.  as i lay in bed, and try to avoid looking at the clock,  everything is changing.  the bedroom goes from that pitch black that envelopes you and hides the hidden dangers to your toes and shins.  once in bed, eyesight adjusts and it is the room you know.  the room where you lay completely vulnerable.  this room holds your trust of safety while the body surrenders and the mind embraces the opportunity to dream and restore itself.  the light changes yet not dramatically. is this the wee hours?  as i lay next to my love who gave himself to the bed hours ago.  small snores, legs moving, grabbing and pulling sheets, it is an honor to be trusted with this time, while he dreams I watch.  loving the way his face looks so peaceful and boyish.  even in sleep he reaches for me, kisses my hand, whispers of love.  then turns away to slip back to his dreams.

feeling the change coming and knowing it is going to be full-blown morning soon.  my mind wanders.  asking the hard questions of myself.  all the arrangements have been made and there is a feeling of readiness and a wondering why it hasn’t happened yet.  there are a few things i could still do.  there is something about knowing i have entered that 5th year.  somehow that doesn’t seem like the underlying motivation.  fear is not a factor.  love of life has not changed, yet doesn’t prevent this feeling.

laying on my side, feeling the change from night to day upon me, it begins.  not even acknowledged until it becomes impossible to avoid.  yes, tears have been shed.  not great sobbing or even sadness.  just tears and then some harsh words for the eyes that would dare to betray me in such a blatant display.

from the onset there has been an all out effort to not cry, to not complain, to not impose on others and to make everything as easy for others as possible.

tears were shed and it was hours before sleep came.  no one saw the tears.  that somehow hurts and a part of me wants to complain or really just to be heard, wants to be honest about this weakness.

it is after 3 a.m. and there are new tears, clinging to  the edge, waiting to drop, they will be silent.  i will be silent…….

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the one

March 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm (leaving)

I am beginning to think it is easier to be the person leaving than the one being left. I have always known that about relationships and breaking up but now realize that it is the same when someone you love is dying. My husband became suddenly angry and I knew there was something wrong. it is so unlike him to get angry over nothing that I was completely off guard. we had been watching the movie “steel magnolia’s” and he asked me what Julia Roberts was dying from and I told him kidney failure. later when he was able to talk, he shared that it had reminded him of my own kidney failure and near death. we live in limbo waiting each week for blood tests to know if I am back in failure or good for a few more days. I don’t really think about it and when he shared his fear my heart ached. The sad thing is I have no fear and realize more and more how hard this is for him. I know that he will be fine in the end but it is hard for him to imagine he will be fine without me. It is so much harder to be the one being left behind.

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elizabeth taylor

March 25, 2011 at 1:42 pm (death, dying, gratitude, leaving)

today elizabeth taylor died of congestive heart failure. she was diagnosed in 2009, I was diagnosed in 2008. it took a few minutes to process that she has died from the same disease that is taking my life. earlier I spoke to a friend that has a brother, diagnosed the same time I was, with a higher functioning heart and he has not suffered the kidney failure and multi-system failure that I have. His brother says he is happy, deteriorating as am I. It touched me to hear that he is moving in the same direction I am. We have both decided to make new memories every chance we get. are you the living doing that? I wonder and hope for you that you are. I take every opportunity to be kind and spend time with those I love. I choose to put on a happy face as some would see it, but I’ll be damned if I am going to be remembered as the sad one or the complaining one. the living will have time for sadness I do not. for valentine day my husband took me to a beautiful old large inn in the mountains for a valentine getaway. we had never done this before since we had so many ahead of us and it seemed like a waste when everyday is valentine for us. we went and I could be sad since I spent each day in our room, we had room service and napped and just hung out. the last night was the big “ball” and I had a new dress, shoes the whole works. my husband is a handsome man even at 20 yrs my senior. the beauty of the moment was that while so many look back and say if I had known this was the last time I would have ….. but I knew this was the last time we would go to such a beautiful place and it was the last time I would dance with the man I love more than my own life. How lucky is that?

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