20 years, 7 years and 2 months

August 11, 2015 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

last thursday we celebrated our 20th anniversary.  we have actually been together for about 23 years but our culture doesn’t celebrate those years, only the ones that have been “legal.”  the thing that surprised me the most is when asked what i wanted to do to celebrate i didn’t want to do anything big. what we did was have dinner with our friend julia. she is that friend who regardless of how often we see each other we know how we feel.  the time was spent eating at our favorite local restaurant and catching up on her recent trip.  this feisty woman drove herself to virginia and not sure but may have driven all the way to washington d.c. for a family reunion.  julia is on oxygen and not the youngest friend i have.  she is so kind to me, and i know in my heart i could always call her and talk.  i can be honest with her in a way i can only be with a few people. of course that doesn’t include my friends here:)

twenty years ago i married the man of my dreams.  tonight as we were watching George Gently on acorn and it was about a baby being kidnapped.  it took place in 1968 and quite unexpectedly i hear ” i should have kidnapped you. you would have been 14 but that’s legal in arkansas isn’t it?”  after a little laugh i gave this some thought.  my life would have so different if he had been my first love. the best thing is he is my last love.  when you think about it very few people are still with their first love.  as a teenager we may think this or that guy is our dream, as we get older that can change drastically.  not to say that it can’t happen, being with your first love would be amazing but it just doesn’t happen for most of us.  i can’t regret all that went before, i wouldn’t have the experiences and memories i do now.

over the past 23 years we have created some amazing memories. i don’t think i could have appreciated who he was when i was 14. actually that is the age i moved to california to take care of my baby sister.  those were 2 of the best years of my life.  as it turned out i had my son at age 17 and had surgery at the age of 22 and would never have more children.  then at the old age of 37 i met him.  as if that wasn’t enough i gained 2 step-daughters and 1 step-son.  i know have grandchildren and even a great-granddaughter.  all of these blessings have come to me since meeting and marrying my forever love.

seven years ago i was given 5 years to live.  that was and still is the statistic used for people with congestive heart failure.  what i am discovering is the congestive heart failure is not always what gets you in the end.  due to the poor circulation other organs start to break down.  my kidneys are on the edge of stage 4 failure.  there is not much to do and that is frustrating at times.  today i had an appointment with my new family practice doctor.  it is apparent we are going to have a very different relationship than i had with my last doctor.  this doctor is very caring and kind much like my last doctor.  the difference is i find myself more willing to have some testing done.  i am severely anemic again and he wants me to see a gastrointerologist.  he seems sure that i have internal bleeding.  the truth is i have known this for the last few years.  i just refused to have any more testing done before.  now i find myself agreeing to go and see a new doctor who will most likely want to do a scope and find this bleed.  last year i had the iron infusion and it worked for the last year.  before that i had a blood transfusion. the blood transfusion would be too risky so the iron infusion would be an option.  for some reason this doctor wants to find the problem and fix it if possible.  i am still on the fence.   so the rest of the news is my liver has not gotten any worse. my kidneys are getting worse though.  he is sending me to a ruematologist, i have had arthritis for several years and it is has gotten much worse in the last few months.

two months ago my sister gave up her life in san francisco and moved to georgia in order to be with us.  the move was only a few blocks from where we were living however i have learned no matter how short or long the distance a move is a move!  if not for her and a couple of other friends we couldn’t have done this.  the moving company was great but if not for angie and our friend rita it wouldn’t have happened.

time is what we too often think we have plenty of and it is the thing that can end without a moments notice.  i have few regrets and live my life the best i can.  thanks to my family and friends my time (however long or short) is the best it can be.  my sister comes in to wake me now and again.  seeing her smiling beautiful face gives such joy! other times my love comes to wake me.  his sweet face and loving manner still make me smile.  my heart still beats a little faster when i anticipate seeing him and then there he is.  yes after 23 years my heart still beats faster for him.  maybe i will have this test so i can continue to see their loving faces.  maybe i will have this test so i continue to see the faces of my step-friends, grandchildren and friends. maybe i will have this test to see just how many years beyond the statistics i can live.  there are more up sides than down sides?  i have time to decide, i think, i hope.

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the irony of Being Mortal

April 12, 2015 at 4:21 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

there are so many things i want to say.  the most difficult thought for me to impart is the physical pain and exhaustion i feel every day.  most days i sleep until the afternoon, or the early evening.  when i get up to use the bathroom, often with the hope i can get my day going, it takes so long i worry about making it in time.  that is a shameful thing to share here with you but how can you understand if i am not honest here.  there is pain throughout my body constantly now.  i can feel each and every fiber of my body, with the exception of the times that i have the numbness from neuropathy.  often i stagger and find it hard to prevent myself falling.

i was naive to think i could keep doing this blog at a normal pace when i am progressing with my heart failure. of course there is also the (non-alcohol) related cirrhosis of the liver. there is a long list of other complications that i find too tedious to list.  when i am awake but unable to actually get out of bed or out of the recliner i think of things that i want to make sure i say.  i often look at my laptop sitting a couple of feet away and am over-whelmed with the idea of actually picking it up. then there is the part of putting together comprehensive thoughts.

a couple of months ago we watched a documentary about a doctor who wrote  a book entitled Being Mortal.  he wanted to understand how to have better conversations with patients who were terminal and had reached the point where modern medicine could no longer enhance their life.  his own father was diagnosed with cancer and they found it difficult to have a conversation about what was about to happen.  the ironic thing was he said “what i found missing in every book was the voice of the patient.” yet here he was writing about the subject of dying and again there was not one patient voice. it was other drs explaining how they were handling talking to patients about palliative care rather than further treatment.

as time goes by i have more understanding. patients are just too damn tired and don’t want to use valuable energy to teach healthy people how to treat them.  for the second time in just a few months i have heard friends relay to me that they have not seen someone who they are friends with, and the person is terminally ill, as retreating.  i say to them is that person retreating or are you just not taking the time to go see them?

visiting someone who is terminally or even chronically ill can be frustrating.  sometimes in our optimism we say yes to  a plan one day but the day of the event we are unable to function.  does that mean we don’t want to engage? HELL NO! it means you are going to have to be understanding. it means you are going to have to be creative. it means if you are really my friend get your behind in your car and come to me.  it means you may be sitting in bed next to me or in the double recliner with me and yes you may have to make an effort to carry the conversation, you may have to bring pictures to share or read to me.  it wouldn’t matter to me if you just spent 10 minutes just sitting with me.  of course i don’t say this just for myself, there are so many others out there who are spending their last days alone.  i am blessed to have love around me, even saying that i must be frank and say he needs a break sometimes.  every time there is any opportunity for him to get out and socialize i encourage him.  what holds him back is that i will be alone and then what?

oh i will have my amazing, beautiful in spirit as well as on the outside, sister here in a few more months.  she will also need to go her own way in order to fully life her life.  i have some other ideas on the back burner though so no worries here.

just remember that your time will come and ask yourself what would you like from your family and friends?  now do exactly that for someone you know who is suffering from any type of illness and make their last days their best days possible.  when you give kindness it comes back to you.

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angina pain

February 21, 2015 at 2:17 am (angina, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

for the past 3 days i have been suffering with angina attacks.  it has been relentless with only short breaks of relief. angina feels like having a heart attack.  the pain is unmistakable if you know what it is.  one feature of the defibrillator i like is when i have this pain i know it isn’t a heart attack since the defib doesn’t go off.  i have tried all the relaxation exercises i know and try meditation.  at least they help me lean in to the pain and accept it rather than rail against it.  when you lean in to the pain it feels very different.  it’s like taking a warm shower rather than a cold one.

the new battery doesn’t make my heart failure healed, it helps it keep beating.  the beating is joy to me, i often stop and just listen to the beating.  it’s a beautiful sound.  i hope to keep hearing it for quite some time to come.

this is just a diagram to show you where you can expect to have this pain.  if you do please get checked immediately!!


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the hospital, bossy sister and what are we avoiding?

January 16, 2015 at 4:07 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

finding the problem with my last post has been frustrating.  this process is mostly flow of thought.  so to purposely redo a post is difficult for me.  how was i feeling at the moment i first wrote about this experience? how do i get my head back in to that whole moment? so please bare with me through the next few paragraphs. to get his pound of flesh for my previous non-compliance, dr. o turned slowly, almost like the character in some horror movie, he asks… are you ready to do anything i ask you to do?  i look for the hint of smile and don’t find one.  oh he is good! out come the words i was not prepared for, so you would go by ambulance to the hospital?  inside i am a mix of emotions, i want to give some flippant answer but am acutely aware that this is a test of some kind.  “yes” is say. oh my beating heart be still, how bad can it be i ask myself.  well, self has an answer to that question but we are not going to discuss that here and now. it starts with going to the waiting area and bringing chris back to the treatment room.  trying to put what is about to happen in the best possible terms.  how to make all this seem like just a little side trip.  the nurse puts in an iv which i am most grateful for later.  she gets it on the second try, chris is watching and cringing with each slide of the needle.  the ambulance emt’s arrive to whisk me off to the er where i will be , if all goes according to plan, admitted to the hospital.  it is frankly sop (standard operating procedure) for this medical group.  my blood pressure was out of control.  way too high for someone with my health problems. not good for anyone but especially for someone with heart failure.  on the ride over, they used sirens to avoid stopping for lights and traffic, i find out the emt with me was in the army.  the emt driving is a firefighter but is required to do x number of hours as an emt.  we had nice conversation  on the way over and arrive fairly quickly.  i was concerned about my love getting lost along the way.  it is an area with a lot of one way streets.  we are now in a hallway waiting to be admitted to the emergency room.  after 15 minutes the guys (emt’s) start talking about the wait.  it was decided the nurse manager should be called.  our ace was the threat of going to another hospital.  within minutes there was a tech taking me in to a stock room to do an ekg.  this was followed by an assignment to a room.  things seemed to be moving in an efficiently speedy mode.  chris arrives and runs into a sweet friend of ours with the police department. she pops in to say hello and confuses the nurse.  no, the police are not with us i tell her. a dr. comes in and explains the “plan” to us, we are on board with this so called plan.  meds are administered and my blood pressure goes up and down within the next couple of hours.  chris pulls his chair closer and says ” i am going to call heather, angie and kristen.  i want to protest, however, i he is set on doing this and i have no good argument against this plan of his.  seems everyone has a plan except me!  i listen as he speaks to my younger sister and my heart hurts for her.  literally my heart started to hurt, the nurse comes in when the alarm goes off again.  chris steps out to make any further calls.  now things slow down.  a new nurse comes on shift and will be around for the next 12 hours.  he comes in and introduces himself, he assures us that the promised bed in an actual room is going to be a reality soon.  yes he says to chris, you can spend the night.  no, no i say. this is not my plan.  chris compromises with the promise he will go home once i am cared for in the promised land upstairs.  we sit back and watch as one then another are taken upstairs.  the nurse does not come back.  i can hear him calling and asking when this bed will be ready, reminding who ever is on the other end, that i have been waiting approximately 3 hours at this point. at last a young man comes for me.  in the meantime i have asked chris to bring some items to me upstairs.  as we are going up there seems to be some confusion, yes we are going to the third floor, however we are not going to the unit that is open for business.  we are going to a “unit” that has been closed for a prolonged period of time.  i remain on the gurney, now in this room i am moved to another gurney.  this was a recovery room for patients recovering from heart surgery.  two nurses have been pulled from another unit and have not even found where the bathrooms are on this floor. that’s right, there are no bathrooms in these so called rooms.  there are actually 2 bathrooms on this whole floor.  these have to be shared not only with patients but with their guests and there were lots of those.  i find the bathroom and show the nurses where they are for everyones convenience.  suddenly patients are being sent up from the er.  the nurses are overwhelmed and call their boss.  at this point i decide for self preservation i will unplug and plug all attachments from their machines. let’s cut to the chase here.  lots of dr.’s, physician assistants and nurse practitioners hear the story of my lapse of judgement regarding my little “shocker” in my shoulder.  my poor man gets lost driving and calls me, i try to navigate him back to the hospital.  he finds the interstate again and makes another run at the landing pad.  his plans are to stay with me and i have come up with a plan of my own.  there needs to be this buffer between me getting news and me passing it on to him.  i am very clear with all staff that nothing is told to him directly.  no matter what i am going to protect him the best i can.  that doesn’t mean leaving him in the dark, just that all information is given with the best twist possible.  i can tell he is grateful to be sent off home.  it is now his job to take care of the fur-babies and himself.  the young man who looks at the read out of my implant(ICD) and i confess to my lapse.  when the dr comes in there is some whispering.  turns out my battery started winding down on the 21st of october.  there is typically then a 3 month window to replace the battery.  i was looking at days now rather than months. the dr doing the surgery is such a nice guy.  very sensitive, i can tell.  he is obviously taken aback by the time between the implant surgery and the visit now where we are in a time crunch.  as i remain in this no mans land staff is coming and going.  they all offered their assistance but were visibly relieved to hear that i would not require their attention.  a bed was finally provided, it was moved in to the room i was in rather than me being taken to where the bed was previously. all through this i am talking to or texting my younger sister.  for the hour that i am on the phone with her i am not the sick sister, wife, mother, nana or great nana.  we laugh, typically at ourselves or if need be others, and the nurses are starting to look in, i know they are wondering what i find funny.  one nurse became teary when speaking to me.  this is what i avoid at all cost. most of us sick folk want to avoid this aspect.  please do not feel sorry for me.  there is no reason to what so ever. i have to stop as i am writing this post.  i am struggling with angina pain and fatigue.  not getting enough oxygen i start to have this numbness spreading over me.  until next tuesday when the battery is replaced i plan to just coast along.  my next post, which will be soon, i want to tell you what is going through my mind regarding this decision.  i will not avoid you or this decision and what went into it.  we need to talk about this and some other things on my mind recently.  what am i avoiding? we will speak of this at another time/ another post.  thank you for caring about me, i hope that you are not reading this feeling sad.  i’m not. angie thought i forgot to mention why i said my bossy sister! oh no, no, i am going to tell it here and now.  you might expect that she would be all gooey but you would be wrong.  she nagged me to the point of complete surrender on my part.  every contact included certain questions.  what do you mean your going home without the surgery?  when are they scheduling the surgery and my personal favorite…. do what they say, i mean it.  she knows me in a way others will never know me.  the time we spent on the phone laughing was exactly what i needed.  she has always known that weakness. our mother brought it to my attention just a few short months after she was born.  it came with a warning, “sissy” she knows if she makes you laugh it’s all over.  she still makes me laugh and yes that is how she still can get me to do anything.  chris makes me laugh in that way, it was one of the things that i fell in love with, over the years i have come to treasure that laugh of his.  oh how you will all be missed if things do not go according to PLAN.  i love you and will hang on as long as possible.

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Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today

December 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

last night we had a couple of friends over for dinner and one of the couples knows that i have stopped taking my meds, at least intermittently for now.  just as we were getting ready to sit down greg asked if i was still not using my meds and how was that going. i quickly reminding him that was hush hush and he smiled with an apology. he believes this may be the best thing for me so that i can really enjoy these last days of my life.

as a result the first thing i thought of was this character.  basically that is what i am doing. i am not getting a hamburger but i am getting something now and offering to pay for it later.  of course he never had any intention of actually paying for his advance  and i know that i can not avoid paying for my advance.

last night was a rare night for me and i want to give a lot of credit to my guests. they were two couples and just fun, low key people. they both brought us poinsettia plants which are my favorites and i was so grateful and excited. one couple brought actual how made cookies and they are delicious!! charlotte is definitely a great cook.  her husband ken is one of the most kind men i have ever met and they are just interesting fun people to spend an evening with.  everyone just stepped in and helped where needed. it was not a big deal although they all know that i am suffering from heart disease along with a few other organs going in to failure.

by the end of the dinner i could barely stand, walking, even sitting was shear torture but it was my choice and gladly chose this time with these particular people for a reason. in the end chris and i and will say how much fun we had and as they may be the last people we entertain there are no regrets.

at the end of the day i was so swollen and just in pain i could barely walk to bed.  i couldn’t get my legs on the leg rest of the recliner. once everyone left  broke down and started crying from the pain.  by now i had taken 3 pain pills which is very rare for me.  i tend to get a prescription for 30 oxycodon once a year. usually they last for the entire year and so it concerns me to take so many in one day.  guess i will worry about this when the holidays are over.

i feel empowered knowing that i have friends who support my decision and will spend time with us without ever making me feel like i am dying.  make no mistake i am getting closer.  i feel it.  the visits from those that have gone before have become more frequent.  the bear is sometimes so close i can feel her breath on my face. she whispers of what it to come and how she just wants to be with me when the time comes.

the questions now are do i let him know and give him the option of being there or do i protect him and let him simply come to me when it is all over.  can i wait until angie is here? if so how long after she arrives do i give it? if i get “better” how much “better; do i have to get to make it worth the continued suffering?

for now i am just concentrated on my sister getting here on saturday and going to charleston for christmas with all the family.  now that is a great way to end your life.  i am grateful that i have had all these conversations with my family and so they all understand my choice and what i am asking of them.  i have the best family and friends.  wowow i am so blessed!!!

much love to you all and to all a merry christmas:)

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lean in to it

May 29, 2014 at 1:35 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

this seems to be the new buzz words.  today we went to one of our favorite hang outs, the book store.  as i perused magazines an article written by a buddhist monk caught my eye.  the subject was chronic pain, her into was “lean in to it.”  she went over the usual number one tenet of that life is suffering.

her point was that people with chronic pain need to “lean in to” their pain.  this is not really a new thought.  from the beginning i have done what so many other’s have been doing.  we accept our pain as part of our life.

the place where we part ways on is when she says that people with chronic pain have the commonality of hypervigilance.  the person with pain focuses to heavily on their pain.   this sounds too much like blaming the person suffering for the suffering.  people with chronic pain carry too much guilt as it is.  the last thing we need is someone saying it is our “fault” that we are suffering.

i realize the connection of this event and continue to appreciate how the universe communicates with us if we just listen.  as i sit here, 2 in the morning, suffering angina pain off and on for the past 7 hours.  interesting how my body and mind work together.  i can’t help but wonder if this is the beginning some major even life ending event or is it just a passing opportunity to grow?

is “lean in to it” a new thought? though it may be the first time it has been said for some in a way they can relate to, just a short time ago it was “it is what it is.”  these are words i have lived by my  whole life and it has been one of the best gifts my grandmother ever gave me.  so accepting and embracing what life brings to us is now leaning in to it.  no matter what we call it accepting and loving the body we have over the body we mourn will reduce our suffering.  whether these are the last words or a drop in the ocean i embrace and appreciate the comfort i have found in my life and here with the friends i have made.  i appreciate that this body has done it’s best to serve me in this life.

over the past week it seemed as though the infusions are making a difference.  it has been a true blessing for me to feel some level of normalcy.  for now i give in to the weariness. i will surrender to sleep and will be grateful for another day if it is granted. i go to this place of restoration with peace in my heart.  that would be my wish for other’s, peace of heart. that and that you find the love you deserve, i have been blessed in this last part of my life with a love that lifts me up.


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late night questions

October 15, 2013 at 6:03 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

it is 6:30 a.m. and i have yet to sleep.  not because i am not sleepy but the pain is so intense it i start to ask myself questions.

when is enough, enough?  at what point do i say this is not how i want to live?  if i take pain medication does that mean i am defeated? why don’t the drs. tell us just how this is going to affect us?  there are others but i will stop at these.

when is enough, enough.  we have to decide that for ourselves. no one else can do it for us.  if the pain reaches the unbearable level and i am not a good partner or friend, is that the stopping point?  being a good partner is very important to me.  my beloved deserves someone who can be a good companion.  someone who does not add to his burdens.  at nearly 80 yrs old hasn’t he earned the right to the life he dreamt of?  i hate that my days are short, as i sleep sometimes 12 hours or more each day.  i hate knowing that he is lonely at times because i am not at his side. will i know when to say enough is enough or will i continue to say if i can just get some relief from this pain things will be better?  the truth is it is not going to be better.

i am going to finish this tomorrow if not later today.  the pain medication seems to be easing the pain some. so i will tell you a quick kind of funny tale from our trip.

we stopped just at the border crossing before going in to canada.  i took a picture of the bay, it was just so beautiful.  we bought some gas and used the loo.  as we were leaving a rather rough around the edges woman went out the door just ahead of me.  i reached to catch the door.  she said “i’ve got this, don’t worry i won’t let it close on you.” i responded with a thank you.  she went on to say “i just hate when people let go of the door half-way through.  they have one job, hold the door, and what, they can’t do that?  “one job!”

this was one of those moments when it feels like you have shared a joke with a friend.  she was just so funny.

in maine just at the border to canada

in maine just at the border to canada

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when is a vacation more than a vacation?

September 30, 2013 at 9:26 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

Vacations are so much more than what we assign as a meaning.  I love visiting new places and seeing how other people live.  We are now in Canada.  On Tuesday we flew from Atlanta to Portland maine.  We stayed at a standard hotel, went to dinner at a nice restaurant and then back to our room for a night’s rest before getting on the road to Canada.

The restaurant was called the muddie rutter.  Chris was looking forward to trying the lobster roll.  For years I have avoided lobster.  Once on a cruise I did try it and to my dismay found it to be quite tasty.  My problem is that when I go to eat lobster I can’t help but think of how they die.  One minute they are crammed into some little tank and then scalded to death.  I have even been told they scream in agony.  I confess here to eating the lobster roll.  It was, I hope, the last time I let myself go against my core belief.

After dinner we return to the hotel and there I made a discovery that could have ruined our vacation.  Maybe I should back up just a little.  The morning before our departure there was so much to do and I was so tired (as usual) that within an hour I was having chest pain.  The good thing about the defib is when I have this pain I know it is angina since my device does not go off. If it were a heart attack the defib would activate.  I just kept thinking when we are on our way or when we are waiting at the gate, I will start to feel better.

We were on the plane and the pain was so intense I nearly cried, stop I have to get off!  Chris says maybe we should get off.  We don’t have to go.  How can I explain that yes we do have to go.  I’m not sure I can make sense of it even now.  It took about an hour for the angina to let up.  It became mild enough that I could dismiss it.

Back to our room the first night.  As I am unpacking the few things we need for the night and next morning I discover I have forgotten my medication.  That’s right I forgot my meds.  Chris immediately stated we must go home now for sure.  No I say, there is another way.  I call on the young woman who is house sitting and watching our fur babies.  She will over-night them to me.  What did we do before over-nighting came along?  With cell phones we are always just a call away.  Life can be effortless at times thanks to technology.

Back to vacations and what they are or are not.  As we were leaving our hotel the front desk clerk started talking to me about vacations.  She and her husband have never had a vacation that didn’t involve family.  She said they already know that their next “vacation” will be to see his brother.  She said they didn’t even have a honeymoon.  It is so easy to fall in to the whole vacation=family.  For some the ideal of traveling just for the purpose of traveling seems foreign to them.

Is this a vacation?  We both want so badly for this, our last big trip, to be so special.  As much as I appreciate being able to take this vacation I ask myself why is this? Why does this trip in particular seem so important to us?

My medication did come yesterday thanks to tiffany.  When I make a blunder it is a big one and so this was one of the most embarrassing blunders I have made.  It is behind us now and I am expecting things to go smoothly at this point.  Being near the ocean is powerful and being here is peaceful.

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he asks

November 8, 2012 at 12:25 am (dying, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, living with dying, peace of heart) (, , , , , )

last evening and night were one of the most difficult yet.  even with the excitement of the presidential election to distract me the angina pain, liver pain, leg pain and inability to breathe could not be denied.

he reached and held my hand. no words were necessary.  the warmth coming from his beautiful, loving hands said all that needed to be said.  love you’s as deep as the well and passionate as young love flowed from one side of the lounger to the other.

today in the car he asks “is there anything i can do when you are going through that?”  the answer? you are already doing it.  the comfort of your love is the only medicine i need now. it is the only medicine that can bring real relief from this eternal pain.  we both know this is what is supposed to happen.  that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stink! as a mist comes over his eyes and i fear he is going to cry….

look honey aren’t the trees amazing this time of year?  wow what a great day!






and just like that we are back to us and appreciating this day we have been gifted.

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lost days

August 24, 2012 at 12:34 am (angina, heart failure and exhaustion, road trips) (, , )

days that i am exhausted beyond explanation and end up sleeping most of the day are my lost days.  it started wednesday night after speaking to my sister on the phone.  i fell asleep waiting for her to call back after an interruption.  husband worries that if he wakes me i will not fall back asleep til wee hours of morning, as that has been our experience.  so i woke in wee hours, decided to blog and went to bed around 4 a.m.  falling asleep easily is the first clue that i am in for a lost day.  sleep was heavy and nothing made me stir until almost 1 p.m. when he is off to bridge.  shaking off the cobwebs i stumble around and manage to get my shower.  the whole time my body is screaming to lie down and close my eyes.  the lie is it will only be for a few minutes but i am not buying it. i know it is a trick.

although i am feeling weak and a bit dizzy the annoyance pushes me to make an errand run.  in my mind i can do so much more than my body will let me.  i fancy a short stop for a little shopping and reach the rear of the store and  become short of  breath.  tightness in my chest.  the mind says you can stay,  your body says if you do things will not end well.  so with some regret i move to the front and out the door.  on to the post office which was my errand.  then it occurs to me i could run by the pharmacy, just as quickly the pressure in my head and dizziness reminds me that getting home is the priority.  a few hours have passed as i walk through the door at home.

he is home and i ask if he would like to lie down for a bit.  sometimes he is like a child, no i don’t need a nap.  ok but would you come and lay with me until i fall asleep?  ok but i don’t need a nap.  his head is barely down and the familiar soft snoring begins.  our little cat that stays in our room most of the day snuggles in and i am off in dreams.

the meowing is soft at first. it grows louder and a little swat with the paw follows.  she is losing patience with me. it is her time to be in the living room and i am keeping her from it.  my eyes open and it is nearly 8 p.m.  trying to appease her with promises of soon, she is becoming more insistent.   a bargain is struck, she will get down and take care of business and when she is done i will get up.  the look on her face is skeptical.  as promised though i drag myself out of bed.  while laying in bed listening to her make her way around the room my thoughts stray to how we first met her. for some reason it then moves on to our first road trip.

every couple should have to take a road trip before getting married.  we realized just how perfect we were for each other.  this is our older/smaller girl ling.

 our first of many road trips

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