we all get sad sometimes

February 27, 2015 at 2:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

most of the feedback i receive is so uplifting, supportive and means more to me than you can know.  there are times that i hesitate to voice when i am feeling sad.  to be clear, and this sounds odd even to me, i am rarely sad for myself.  of course when we have had family and friends pass on i feel sadness as most do for my loss. usually i find myself very quickly looking for the silver lining. there have been deep losses over my life time when it was difficult to let the sadness go.  the memory of those losses can creep up on me, and i allow myself to feel it in that deepest part of my heart the weight of the pain.

this has been a short month in days but not in pain.  of course there is always the physical pain. the injuries i sustained while in the army are with me daily. angina pain holds me in its grip and feels like it will stay forever. of course it helps to remind myself that physical pain will rise and fall so i just have to relax and let it flow out as it flowed in. my new device placement has caused discomfort. the doctor tried to move it over a bit and had to do some pushing that left my insides very tender.  some times it feels as though there may have been an internal stitch that pulls.  that has mostly passed but this darn thing will never be comfortable where it is. well it may be but i’m not:)

the psychic pain has been a bit more to carry than usual.  the bridge group he plays with on thursdays consists almost completely of women.  over time i have gotten to know some of these women and to even care deeply for them.  we try to get together for dinner after they play bridge and i so enjoy this time.  there have been days i wouldn’t have gotten out of bed much less out of the house if not for my anticipation of the good time and good company.  one woman brings her husband so chris is not the only guy, though i don’t think either of them would care if it is that way from time to time.  when we were returning from our trip his phone started working and i noticed he had a message.  we stopped to eat and he checked.  it was one of our friends telling us that another woman had passed.  she had been admitted to home hospice on wednesday and had passed on friday.  she was in her 90’s and believe me she had made the most of that time! she was a real character and had adventures few people would have expected from this petite, one armed, woman.

alice was not someone i had met in person but still cared for very much. she and her husband had a lot in common with the two of us.  we exchanged comments here, emails and a couple of phone calls.  again while we were away, another loss.  she passed on the sunday after our return.  my phone had stopped working on wednesday or even before maybe. there was bad weather all around us and we were in the mountains of west virginia so it was to be expected. we returned on saturday and attended our friends memorial the next day.  i have a picture of alice and for a few days i had been drawn to go back to that picture more than once. i thought i would call even if she couldn’t talk, i could talk to her husband. it was my plan to …… when we got home sunday i went for a nap and didn’t wake up until monday night.  this happens with heart failure, the exhaustion just takes over and there is nothing i can do about it.  for days i barely moved, my body was recovering from the drive home. i am ashamed to say that a week passed without me calling, something held me back. then i received an email letting me know that alice had passed. he had sent a text but it had not come through. how amazing he is to have gone through this loss and care enough to send a second message to me.  they have a beautiful story, it is not my story to tell but i will love them till i am gone.  i admire and respect him so.  he has given me food for thought and great advice. i hope we will truly remain friends until i am gone.

as hard as the loss from death can be i am going to share another kind of loss with you tonight that weighs on my heart.  all my life i have only wanted to be a good human being. everything else comes from that as i have said before.  part of being a good person, i thought, meant that when someone is your friend they don’t just drop you without a word.  over my years i have learned that is not so true.  we all do it, we outgrow the relationship for whatever reason, no harm no foul. except this time it feels like harm, it feels sad and confusing.  of course i know that life goes on and she wasn’t my only friend. somehow this feels different though. i was a friend to her when her own family didn’t want to be around her.  i tried to uplift her and be supportive. there were times when she needed financial help and i was there. whatever she needed i was there.  i always told her i didn’t expect anything in return and each time she told me how she would always be here for me and how she loved me like a sister.  well no one can step in to the shoes of my sister but i took her to be sincere.  maybe what makes this different?? a few months ago she “reconnected” with some friends she knew in school.  since that time things have been strained.  what seems funny to me now is people around me would ask about our friendship, we are very different people in many ways, and i would defend my loyalty to her.  the loss of a friend is just another death. that would bring the total to three in this short month.

i am sad for al and joe, they will miss alice (wife and mother), with all their heart.  i am sad for bronia’s family, they had her for a long long time, they lost their mother and grandmother. the loss of a parent no matter your age is a heartbreaking event. when i started writing this tonight i was sad for the loss of my friend, she will be missed.  i am happy for her and the new life she is making for herself.  i don’t fit in her world any more. maybe i never did and we just didn’t know it? tomorrow is her birthday and i wish her well and toast to her new life.  sometimes a new beginning, without old reminders of who we were before, is what we need.

i was given a new life and fresh start about 23 years ago.  it has been an amazing time full of love and life well lived.  sometimes we all feel a little sad, thanks to you i am feeling it less and less.

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i love comments

July 6, 2014 at 2:58 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

i really do love your comments. there are times i feel unworthy of the praise some give.  at other times i am challenged to really think and re-think my point of view.  i am so overwhelmed by the love and friendship i have found here.

i can say things here that i might not want to say, sometimes i just worry about how the truth of how i am physically feeling would hurt and even frighten those i love on this end of the connection.

now i am going to tell you a bit about my day.  i have been very ill for over a week but i woke this morning and something inside spoke to me and said MOVE. so i did just that.

i walk into the living room, still in my nightgown, and ask if he feels like getting out a bit.  he says sure, i ask how fast he can be ready. his face was happy and confused at the same time.

we were out the door in under 30 minutes. with the sunroof opened we were headed to the hills.  on the way home we decided to have a bite to eat and head for our regular weekend hang out, barns and noble.  on the road back home we decided to go by the grocery store.

we are standing in the canned veggie aisle, he can’t find his favorite canned hoppin john.  i look and show him there are some cans in very back. he looks at me and smiles, it is my “eagle eyes” he says smiling.  cans in the basket he reaches for me and we stand there in the aisle hugging.  earlier,while in the deli we hugged and declared our love for each other.  a few moments later i see someone looking at us and i suddenly realize we are making her uncomfortable.

tonight i am thinking of a comment made by judy who has an amazing blog and story to stir the heart.  this happened while we were in yosemite for christmas.  she remarked that chris had layed his head on my shoulder and this made her feel uncomfortable.  well uncomfortable is my word, her point was not judgemental, it was more observation.

is pda (public displays of affection) ok? should we restrict our affection to behind closed doors.  sometimes we just drift into each other and the next thing you know we are hugging, maybe even a kiss. we have always been this way, even after 20 plus years we just have so much love for each other.

none of know when our time, i know that my time is running out and the one thing i want at the end is for him to remember all these stolen moments where we say the words and hug each other.  though i don’t want to make other’s uncomfortable i won’t give up on us being us.  what they don’t know is, we know our time is running out and we are going to know in the end that we loved each other and they will be the moments he can pull out and think about when he misses me.

love wins out, in the end “love is all you need.”

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what am i doing here?

October 24, 2013 at 12:47 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

in the beginning i just wanted to leave a journal that my grandchildren could look at and know who i was.  i wanted them to understand who i was and how much i loved them and life in general.

as time went by and i looked for information about my condition and the strange things that were happening.  i discovered that the medical community either didn’t know these things were related or just didn’t tell us about them.  so i thought let me share and see if anyone else is going through this.  at some point i wondered if there were others out there feeling the same as i was.

there was nothing out there for me to read. no one seemed to be talking about how it feels to die.  i had read the kubler-ross books, i worked with dr rosalind shepherd who assisted her in researching what became her book.  they were of no use to me.  the stages of grief, some swear by them.  they have some universal truth as many theories do.  not all experience them and most not in that order.  unless you are one of the classic cases then you may be a little confused when you read the order and it doesn’t relate to you.

i don’t know when but at some point i realized i could offer some support to other’s going through this.  it has given me purpose, it has given me an opportunity to connect with others who are in my shoes or have a loved one in my shoes.  the gift of friendship i have received has been priceless.

so like most things in life this journey has changed along the way.  i still believe my family can look at this and know that i have been/am happy and grateful for each and every day.

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we’ll always have Paris

May 20, 2013 at 1:40 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

if you have seen casablanca you remember that line and the atmosphere enveloping the two lovers. it has to be one of the most romantic moments in a movie.

we are watching the pbs special mr. selferidge. two of the characters are employees that are verging on a relationship.  it is his birthday and he asks her to meet him in the dinner room after hours.  she arrives, there are candles and a table set to perfection with a piece of cake on the table.  a bit of small talk, then he asks her to dance.  it is the kind of romantic moment women want to live out in their own life. just the two of them waltzing to their own music.

i remark that it is one of those moments, he asks if i am disappointed i have not had that same experience.  i want to say of course not but there is something else i want to say. something that needs to be said and something that needs to be remembered.

this a a moment to let you know how you have given so many moments over the years. they are living here in my mind and heart. so i tell you, i remember our first valentine day.  i was at my flat waiting for you so we could go to lunch.  glancing out my window, the sun is shining and everything looks so clean and fresh in my mind.  then my breath does a little gasp…. coming down the street is a man with a huge white box with a huge red bow on it.  that can not be you i think, this can not be for me! the man comes closer, never looks at the window, doesn’t realize the impact this gesture has and always will have.

he is at the door and i am grabbing the knob, pulling him in,  in my head and heart.  he steps inside and suddenly i realize that this is really happening. i have never had such kindness in my life.  no one has ever loved me like this.  slowly touching the bow and the box, taking in every sense of that moment, not rushing and ripping into it. it doesn’t matter what is in the  box.  slowly and carefully the ribbon which is a real red satin ribbon comes off the box.

my fingers ever so slightly touch the box, feel the texture, the weight of it.  lifting the lid slowly as though it may have something that would frighten me, i lift the top. there in mounds of white tissue paper is the most beautiful red mohair afghan from a local irish shop.  it is simple and perfect.  it is the best ending to this moment.  your face at knowing how happy you made me, made me love you even more.

i glance over at you and you are not looking at me.  i can see that you are touched, what we call “choked up.”  then you speak,  i remember the first kiss we had in the tower books parking lot.  i have to take this in, to understand that this was a moment for him. oh yes i remember this moment well.  the awkward is he going to kiss me, no it is too soon. then there it is we are leaning against the car like a couple of teenagers and don’t care who see’s us. don’t care who knows in that moment that we have something amazing starting.  it is the beginning of a million more kiisses and hugs. it is the beginning of life time of precious memories.

bogart may have said “we’ll always have paris” but we say “we’ll always have j st.” and they mean the same thing.  we have this moment, this very moment now, that nothing can touch, there can be nothing from the outside, not even my dying that can darken that bright and beautiful day.

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thinking of mothers and loss

May 12, 2013 at 1:18 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

mother’s day comes just before my birthday, sometimes on my birthday. i have to confess that neither of these have been a big deal to me in the past.  i am not sure when this happened but i find myself thinking feeling very plugged-in and even emotional as i sit here reflecting.

my personal experience with this “special” day has ranged from oblivious to heart-broken to some understanding and acceptance of what this day means for me.  while with my grandmother no one celebrated this day. maybe because we were poor and rather disconnected from the rest of the world.

with the my own mother, aka the queen mother/marie, when i came to live with them full-time i became aware of how important it was not to disappoint her on this day.  for the next couple of years i worked with my dad to make this day everything she expected.  once i left home it was easy to send a card and flowers, one year she told me the flowers were nice but she would like a different kind of green. you know, the ones that come on dollar bills. right from the beginning of our relationship chris sort of stepped in and made sure things were taken care of.

each year he picked out the card, signed the check and even called her.  she thought he was a saint.  the problem, not just with her, i believe is this sort of false expectations.  some families have that Norman Rockwell life, the majority do not.  many “holidays” set people up for disappointment.  it is sad to know that this one day can cause so much pain to so many.

i have been thinking of some of my blog friends. there is such a range, from a mother whose son died suddenly to the mother who lost her daughter just recently to a terminal illness that caused her a kind of suffering the mind can not imagine.

one asked if she is still a mother since her adult child has passed on.  this has been on my mind for some time.  finally this is what i think, you never stop being a mother.  your child may be gone from this world, yet you still feel them don’t you?  you haven’t stopped loving them or hoping that you will be reunited with them when the time comes.  they will never stop being your child so how can you stop being their mother?

tomorrow is Mother’s Day and there are already ups and downs.  chris is going to make me waffles and bacon:) his favorite breakfast to cook.  one of our friends has a young son who told chris he could get a job at the waffle house for sure!  yesterday i received a card from my grandchildren in charleston.  i almost cried when i read there little messages.  in the past i looked forward to a card from someone else and it didn’t come this year.  my disappointment and hurt have surprised me.  it goes back to wanting to be remembered and how i will be remembered. if this special person no longer sees me as a maternal figure then maybe i have failed in some way. wow, i didn’t realize just how deep this was until i put it here in words.  my tears will dry and i will look at this event again tomorrow, hopefully with different perspective.

hallmark has created a whole new pool of patients for the therapists:)

i want to wish all women a happy day tomorrow.  it may be bitter-sweet for some of us but i hope all find a way to get on the other side where we can breathe easier again.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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May 1, 2013 at 5:01 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

WordPress gave me a little hint the other day. it said i should be more consistent in my blogging posts.  now i don’t take this personally as i am sure a few thousand others got the same prompt.  my question was how will others be affected by this?

there are some blogs i have looked at that have that professional look. you know the one that looks they are just waiting to be discovered as a great writing talent? some of them are just that and they are very talented. it is amazing that so many  people have found a way to do what they love which is write.

i on the other hand had to laugh when it came to the word consistent.  really? let me just say that none of our lives are consistent and least of all the life of someone who is dealing with illness.  i don’t just mean the person who is ill either.  my illness does not affect only myself.  most of all it is an everyday, unrelenting, question of what you will or will not be able to do today. some days i can’t even think that far ahead.  it is a process, it starts with opening my eyes (yay, i am alive) then can i get to my feet?  some days yes and some days no, other days it starts one way then becomes the other.  if you are not flexible you will break under this kind of “consistent” inconsistency.

we have been here at the Big Cedar Lodge for a couple of days now.  we actually got here a bit later than expected since yesterday when i woke up it seemed all was a go then it wasn’t.  we paid for another night but around 2 p.m. i was able to rouse and we were on our way.  we were packed and ready to go and just that quickly the lights were going out.  he has a bit of a cold and crawled back in bed with me saying we would be sick together this day.  this is a long way from mr. i have to know every possibility and plan for it to mr. i have a kite and just need to know which way the wind is blowing today.  he is so dear to me for so many reasons and with each day i find a new way to love him even more.

this morning was slow, then a short ride, back to nap and now looking forward to a horse-drawn carriage ride this evening.  of course the altitude is doing a dance with my heart, it matters little to me.  what matters are a few more memories, a few more moments.  that is all any of us have for sure.

as Emerson says “consistency is the hobgoblins of little minds.”

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what i see

December 5, 2012 at 12:45 am (ask the doctor, being remembered, dying, hope, how does it feel to die, living with dying, road trips, the dr. says) (, , , )

what we see, really see, is up to us.  as we were driving home, less than a mile from our home, i looked over and saw what i have seen for the 5 yrs. we have lived here.  there are 3 buildings not far from the side of the road. one is a small shotgun style home, the second looks like a one room shack, the third is a metal  storage shed that has been converted to a home.  they are all very close together and through the seasons i have watched the people who live there coming and going.  i have wondered how they live, how do they do it?  these are not homes with central air, the converted storage shed concerns me.  i have seen the person who lives there and i wonder how they manage. they can’t have running water, heat in winter and air in the summer.

as we drive by i observe that it is remarkable our home, our world is less than a mile from the world the blue house people live in.  do you think about them and wonder what their dreams were?  the reply comes, no, can’t say that i have.  we both look at those little homes everyday we drive down that road.  i see what he sees.  yet there is something amiss here.  he is kind and generous, he is loving and socially aware of what goes on in the world. he does not see what i see.

you may ask, and well you should, what has this got to do with death or being terminally ill?  i have been asking myself that very thing for over an hour. i have sat here poised to write one thing and yet this thing keeps coming into view.  let me see if i can make the connection, bear with me please, i am not a great writer.  i am not a great speaker either so that would leave mime but you wouldn’t be able to see that would you? no, you would not see me.

we are to the universe what a grain of sand is to us.  the very thought of the entire universe is too grand to see in my mind. it is limitless and so it makes sense we would not see the edges.  the world is more visible to me, in my mind.  the world is such a vast destination.  so many people, cultures and countries. some i am sure i have never heard of even though i am considered a world traveler.  i drove across the united states, nearly three thousand miles.  even then i knew i was only seeing a small part of our country.  georgia is a beautiful state.  i was stationed here when i was in the army.  my oldest step-daughter lives in atlanta, the youngest in charleston s.c. so off from sacramento california we go to be with our family.

local people speak of this county or that ( i think there are a million or so here) and i still, after 8 yrs don’t know where they are talking about.  if we get down to it there are places here in this small town that i have not been to. some of these places we have driven by or maybe even been to and i did not really see where we were.  for some reason i see people not geography.  it was a joke in my platoon to never give me the compass.  most times i could find my way but not by the most trusted tool we had.  i saw a tree with a scar on it or the rock that looked a bit like my dads nose.

so as we sit at the local eatery and the man across from me cries, i see it.  from the moment it began i saw the familiar signs of what was coming. at first i have to confess i was a bit confused and not sure i was seeing what was right there for all of us to see.  afterward i asked, did you see him crying?  he answers he saw something but wasn’t sure what it was.  we are so used to seeing a woman cry that we are found wanting when it is a man.  whenever we go to dinner the questions are the same, what do you see?  what do you hear?  i wonder how can a room full of people not see this man’s pain?

i see the stars and know they are part of the universe.

i see other countries and know we are a part of a whole world.

i see the city limit and know that i am part of a country, a state and a town.

i see you and i see a future. a life with many years to live. a life with hope and dreams.

i know what i see, in the world, the country, my home and in your eyes.

the question is what do you see and do you really see me?  i will one day be as intangible as the universe, the stars and even the people down the road.

i want, no i need to know that i was really and truly seen. i need to know that i will be remembered.  i don’t want to be the people down the road who are never really seen.

i wonder if the blue house people want to be seen or are they happy with just seeing their own world?

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five regrets of the dying by bronnie ware

November 25, 2012 at 9:52 pm (being remembered, bronnie ware, death with dignity, five regrets of dying, living with dying, the dr. says) (, , , , , , , )

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is ‘I wish I hadn’t worked so hard’.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try to honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

What’s your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?



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treat your family

September 20, 2012 at 3:07 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

over time i have shared some of the advice given to patients, friends and students.  in my regular life it was my goal to never give advice if it was not asked for and to always remind myself and others that i would not want anyone to substitute my judgement for theirs.  many times i have watched friendships and families struggle with arguments and hard feelings simply because someone gave advice that wasn’t taken.

this is a piece of advise i have used once or twice in  my life.  it is always my intent to treat everyone with respect but i am after all human.  what are these words to live by? simple- treat your family as well as you would someone you want to be friends with.  when we are dating someone  we want to make a good impression so there will be no nagging, cussing them out or belittling them.

from experience i also learned we should never say something to someone we would not want to be the last words they hear.  there were a couple of times when working on oncology and the er i was witness to this horror.  a man says to his dying wife she is driving him crazy, she is selfish and he just needs to take a break.  within 10 min. she was deceased.  he had gone out the back by the dock to smoke so he didn’t hear us page him.  i will forever see his face and hear his sobs.  before this event in my life i had experiences to help me understand just how fragile life is. this really lives in my heart.

family is not always the people we are born to. we create family.  even when we are born in to this group it is our choice to create this bond we call family.  i have a very close bond with my ys and was blessed to marry the man who is my best friend, and the love of my life. through this i also gained my step-daughter friends.

there is so much on my mind tonight that i hope to share here over the next few days.  please think about what you say, once the words are said they can not be taken back.  someone may choose to forgive you but we all know forgetting is another thing all together.  so please never miss a chance to say i love you, never miss a chance to tell someone how much they mean to you. treat your family and friends like the treasures they are.  don’t wait until it is too late.



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September 17, 2012 at 2:52 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

most experts in dream analysis will say that cars are equal to freedom.  as someone who has been without a car i can say for me it definitely means freedom.  some people like my ys angie should not have a car.  she becomes another person when she is driving.  that is not the point of this post however. i realized last week when i went out to run a couple of errands that it had been over a month since i had been out on my own.  almost 6 weeks since my last solo adventure.  in august i had driven about 45 min. to meet a couple of friends for dinner.

for a week i had not gone out of the house.  just getting up is exhausting, taking a shower requires a nap.  after spending a few hours out it took a couple of days to recuperate.  i had hoped all week to be able to enjoy two events. one was dinner with friends for my husbands birthday, and the other should have been easy peasy, my lovely step-daughter friend was coming to make brunch  for us in celebration of her father’s birthday.  originally the plan was to get up and have time to get ready for dinner, the cake had to be picked up a couple of hours before dinner.  after getting up it must have been apparent i was having a difficult time so he told me to lay back down.  it didn’t take much convincing and he decided to nap with me.  i did make it to pick up the cake, he offered but it seemed wrong for him to pick up his own cake.  dinner was nice and by 8:30 it was over and i drug myself to the chair.

brunch was another story.  at 11 a.m. i woke up as he was joining me for his morning nap.  he said not to worry he would wake up in time, H was coming at 12.  my body was aching, my head was aching and i had been unable to get any real rest all night.  i was aware of him getting up and the next thing i knew it was around 4 p.m. this goes beyond feeling disappointed.  in the past one of my strongest characteristics as far as i knew was being dependable.  if i told someone i was going do something i did it.  now here i am unable to show my appreciation for her effort.  as it turned out she was sitting on the couch when he got up.  she had arrived 1/2 hr early.  the thought of her sitting on the couch while we were napping makes me sad.  guess it is a good thing the door was unlocked.  on the other hand it makes me wonder about leaving the door unlocked, who knows who might come in next time.

this is turning in to a babble and feel like reeling it in.  it has become obvious there are not going to be many more easy days for me.  although how hard is it to live my last days in this life? a loving husband, family, friends and all the comforts. although at times i would welcome a friend coming by.  chances are i would be sleeping so that is not entirely reasonable.   it is only natural for people to get busy with their life and drift away so with the diminishing of my energy there is less want of my time.  i try to keep from falling into that pit i have seen others dive into.  when caring for patients who are terminal the most common complaint was the lack of friends and even family that spent time with them.  they were good people as far as i knew and yet over and over again i saw it happen.

who would you want to be at your bedside when you drew your last breath?  for some we know it won’t be  the people we thought it would be.  perhaps they have already gone or are not able to be with you for various reasons.  what would you want to talk about?  well i just hope someone is taking a big drink and i tell the most outrageous joke that makes them blow it out their nose!  don’t be surprised, i just want to go out with a laugh. what do comedians say about leaving them wanting more?  oh yay they are gonna wish there had been more!

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