Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today

December 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

last night we had a couple of friends over for dinner and one of the couples knows that i have stopped taking my meds, at least intermittently for now.  just as we were getting ready to sit down greg asked if i was still not using my meds and how was that going. i quickly reminding him that was hush hush and he smiled with an apology. he believes this may be the best thing for me so that i can really enjoy these last days of my life.

as a result the first thing i thought of was this character.  basically that is what i am doing. i am not getting a hamburger but i am getting something now and offering to pay for it later.  of course he never had any intention of actually paying for his advance  and i know that i can not avoid paying for my advance.

last night was a rare night for me and i want to give a lot of credit to my guests. they were two couples and just fun, low key people. they both brought us poinsettia plants which are my favorites and i was so grateful and excited. one couple brought actual how made cookies and they are delicious!! charlotte is definitely a great cook.  her husband ken is one of the most kind men i have ever met and they are just interesting fun people to spend an evening with.  everyone just stepped in and helped where needed. it was not a big deal although they all know that i am suffering from heart disease along with a few other organs going in to failure.

by the end of the dinner i could barely stand, walking, even sitting was shear torture but it was my choice and gladly chose this time with these particular people for a reason. in the end chris and i and will say how much fun we had and as they may be the last people we entertain there are no regrets.

at the end of the day i was so swollen and just in pain i could barely walk to bed.  i couldn’t get my legs on the leg rest of the recliner. once everyone left  broke down and started crying from the pain.  by now i had taken 3 pain pills which is very rare for me.  i tend to get a prescription for 30 oxycodon once a year. usually they last for the entire year and so it concerns me to take so many in one day.  guess i will worry about this when the holidays are over.

i feel empowered knowing that i have friends who support my decision and will spend time with us without ever making me feel like i am dying.  make no mistake i am getting closer.  i feel it.  the visits from those that have gone before have become more frequent.  the bear is sometimes so close i can feel her breath on my face. she whispers of what it to come and how she just wants to be with me when the time comes.

the questions now are do i let him know and give him the option of being there or do i protect him and let him simply come to me when it is all over.  can i wait until angie is here? if so how long after she arrives do i give it? if i get “better” how much “better; do i have to get to make it worth the continued suffering?

for now i am just concentrated on my sister getting here on saturday and going to charleston for christmas with all the family.  now that is a great way to end your life.  i am grateful that i have had all these conversations with my family and so they all understand my choice and what i am asking of them.  i have the best family and friends.  wowow i am so blessed!!!

much love to you all and to all a merry christmas:)

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my secret, urgent care and the choice

November 24, 2014 at 12:33 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

one of the things i hate the most about this disease is the time it steals from us.  it has been about 10 days since you said that you get lonely when i am sleeping.  hearing that made my heart ache for you and the love i have for you just grew a little bit deeper.  i wanted to hold you and tell you that you would never be lonely again. not being able to do that with honesty i made a decision to give you all i had.

to do this i not only have to push myself beyond what i have ever done before. the other decision i made was to stop my medication for a period of time to give you as many waking hours as possible.  what good is it to live longer if i am sleeping through our life.

yesterday i had to go to urgent care, it should have been the e.r. .  the dr was young and very kind.  he gave me a shot for pain and a prescription for antibiotics along with a prescription for a non-narcotic pain medication.  he also recommended that i go to the hospital.  what went unsaid was i will not go to the hospital.  aside from the pain and effects of not taking my meds i noticed my blood pressure was high and looking back it has been high for a few months.

i recognize that the high blood pressure along with the blinding headaches are my body telling me it is time to go back on my medication.  part of my dilemma is we are going to charleston for thanksgiving and i want to be immersed in that experience.  so do i continue to go without the meds and risk….

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bridge ladies that come to tea and lunch with friends

May 24, 2013 at 8:37 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

i had been thinking about the ladies that play bridge with my honey.  as i sat here thinking about what i wanted to say, or how i wanted to say it, i watched the finale for The Big C.  this is something i am going to give more thought to.

the main character has reached the end of her journey and she wants her final words to be about how lucky she is.  this is what i have been saying to you since i started this blog.  funny that the people who i feel grateful to have in my life, probably don’t realize just how much they mean to me.

in the last couple of days i have had the opportunity to spend time with friends.  although my energy is extremely low i managed to go out for the two days.  on tuesday i met my friend M at a great little restaurant downtown.  she also has some health issues and we try to get together but it can be tricky.  the other is a very close friend that i met wednesday for lunch at a local burger place.

tuesday   was my afternoon with M and she is such a sweet person i felt a bit guilty for being so cavalier when with her.  as i told my friend  there is such freedom in dying.  it is a bit like getting older.  one starts to feel a certain comfort in their own skin.   as we are contemplating what to order she says she can not allow herself to order the monte cristo sandwich. i ask her why and of course it is due to the excess calories.  ah yes i remember she is on a “diet” and trying to eat healthy.  this is not directed at my friend but i do say something about this being an example of the freedom i enjoy. how she asks, well i answer with some lightness, too late to leave a beautiful corpse so i will leave a happy one!  i amuse myself, then feel the guilt of laughing while she is uncomfortable.  i did feel better when she ordered the cristo.  we chatted and shared how nice it was to be friends with someone who has similar health problem.  when she has to cancel or is late i completely understand and vice-versa.

during our conversation she sort of stumbles through asking me if i was the person who mentioned about finding my husband a new wife.  this makes me laugh since i understand just how this sounds.  it is true that i would like to know that he is going to be taken care of after i am gone.  my first thought was he and wife number 1 might be able to re-connect.  now i realize that is not what they want and maybe it is just too much for the kids to deal with. so i started looking at what other women he knows.  i have told him who i think is the most suitable for him.  he has asked me not to pursue this further. out of respect for his request i will stop.

it does concern me who will keep an eye on him but also who will go to the movies with him?  who will get his jokes? who will travel with him?  he likes to travel but not alone. he has a quirky sense of humor that is not everyone’s taste.  on the Big C the woman wants to do this and even sets her husband up with an online date.  when discussed the opinion is she is being controlling. ok maybe she/i is/am.  maybe she just wanted her husband to be happy.

but i am off topic and need to get back to my friends.

pushing the envelope i decided to go out to lunch on wednesday with my very good friend P.  we have been friends since the first day i started working for the state.  she has some health issues but they are not terminal. P gets my humor most of the time but even she is not always sure if i am joking.  so we hung out for a couple of hours before i took off for my hair appointment.

by the time i get to the hair salon i am exhausted and even take a short nap outside in the car before going in.  M had told me the day before that i looked like i felt good and i usually just say thank you but tuesday i chose to say thank you however i don’t feel the way i look.  this unusual for me.

wednesday night i remember thinking about my choices with my friends.  i also thought about how much i miss my sister.  i tried to call her and wouldn’t you know it she didn’t answer! she called thursday night and we talked over 45 minutes.  we just talked about what we find funny.  i can be completely open with her and know that she gets me.

i am lucky.  i have some very good friends and family.  even the ladies from bridge have been so kind to me.  i am not a great cook yet they have come a few times and allowed me to offer up my limited bites.  since i don’t get out that much anymore so  these soirees are so important to me.  it is an opportunity for me to have social interaction which we miss since leaving california.  i am forever grateful to them for their friendship.

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that day and the rest of the story

March 28, 2013 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

A day in February 2008 is still a vivid memory for me. I had worked my usual 50 or so hours as the forensic unit supervisor. It is Friday night and I am tired, tomorrow we are moving.

When we first moved to Georgia we moved to a community called bridgemill in canton Georgia. In 2007 I got what would be my dream job at the state hospital. I have always loved forensic psychology so to have this opportunity to be the supervisor was exciting. The one drawback was the one hour commute on one of the most dangerous highways around. Chris worried about my drive and even more when winter came. It became his mission to find us a better option. We looked at several houses and even considered having one built to our specifications. At one point we were in the progress of buying a lovely home, although really too big for the two of us, when it was sold at auction the day before our closing. We later realized how we had dodged a bullet. So we went back to a smaller house that I had liked the minute we walked in and we decided to buy it.

Chris had made all the arrangements for the move and his daughter heather had come in a blaze of glory to help us pack.  I have seen few people more efficient and truly helpful than she was to us.  All of these things are going through my mind as the night unfolds.  It started with some nausea, then sweating (which I never do) and finally chest pain.  The pain was at first just some pressure on my chest and it went through to my back.  These are warning signs that I am well aware of and chose to ignore.  He finally went up to bed and I stayed up.  The pain was worse yet I didn’t want him to know.  At that point I made the choice not to tell him.  All night long I couldn’t really find a way to lie down and be comfortable. The pain continued through the night and stayed the next morning.

I had a heart attack.  That simple really, and not so simple.  In my head it made sense to carry on and not say anything about it.  The heart attack had not killed me so what would they do for me at the hospital?  No I made the decision to go forward with the move and worst case scenario I would let him know afterward, even go to the ER.

The movers arrived and right away they seemed to know that all was not right in my world.  Due to my illness the night before there were some things that didn’t get done.  The movers and I went upstairs for me to show them what needed to be moved by them and assured them I would take care of the rest by car at some later time.  Since we weren’t selling the house I was in no rush.  Did I mention this was a 2 story house? It was, and when I went upstairs it all came back.  The pain, the sweating, the nausea were all back.  These kind and gentle men told me to sit on the edge of the tub and tell them everything that needed to be done.  I should also mention, for the purpose of giving you a full picture that these men were well over 6 feet tall, muscular, tattoos, and black.  So they were rough looking and maybe some would have thought it unusual for them to be so compassionate.  Once all was packed up we headed over to the new house. Again their compassion was evident.  They told me to just go inside and take it easy. They would put everything where it needed to go.  All during this my husband was running about trying to make sure nothing was amiss.  He made sure these guys got a good lunch and tipped them well afterward.  We were surprised to hear that on a job that lasted all day their boss did not want them to ask for the bathroom, nor eat lunch in front of the customers.  He dropped by and we told him all was great and waited for him to leave.  Hubby ran to store and got them lunch. I told them it was not healthy to go all day and please use the bathroom when needed.  We kind of joked about that but I was pretty angry with their boss.

The chest pain and other symptoms would be better then they would come back.  The whole time I am being so careful not to let my husband know.  Moving is so stressful and I did not want him to worry or have to cancel the movers.  Too many people would be inconvenienced so I kept my mouth shut.

I am not the first woman to do something like this and I won’t be the last, unfortunately.  From experience I knew that women are seldom validated by the medical community in these circumstances.  some doctors still don’t understand the difference in symptoms for women rather than men.  The sad thing is I didn’t give them the chance.  Not that it would have made a difference in the long run, I am still ashamed that I did not trust my husband to handle the situation nor did I trust that the doctors would treat me like I knew my body.

If one person reads this and see’s themselves I will have done some good.  That is all I ever really wanted in this whole blog thing.  Of course it is for my family, myself and as I said for you.  If you are reading this, it is not too late.

 

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the expiration date is looming

January 10, 2013 at 1:13 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

if i were a can of tuna no one would take me off the shelf.  heck i would put me back on the shelf.  when first given this news i remember thinking … well 5 yrs. isn’t tomorrow, the other thought was a rather defiant.. what do they know?  even  as someone who worked in research and having tremendous respect for data, i know that there is always an exception. well almost always. if you jump off a 20 story building i don’t think you are going to beat those odds.   so when i was first diagnosed with congestive heart failure the research  cardiologist brought out the reports to show me no one survives beyond the 5th year.  so that was 2008.  this is 2013, easy math.  i received this news on my birthday and that is 5 mos. from now.

a few things going through my mind as a result of this.  i want to have my defibrillator turned off. this is just a matter of when and not if.  if it is off there is a great chance i will just go to sleep and not wake up.  that would be my first choice.  there are other matters to consider and i feel that i have to make some choices on my own and not involve family or friends.  one of the blogs i read regularly is written by a woman whose daughter is dying. not just in the someday realm but in the very real now time.  tersia’s ability to share what she, her daughter and the rest of their family are going through has been of great benefit to me.  not only have i come to care very deeply about them i have come to see another side of this coin.  what we the dying choose greatly affects those we love and care for.  vic does not want to be sedated during these final hours and i can certainly understand how she feels. i might have even made the same choice.  now i am going to make sure my husband and family know that i do want sedation.   i am making this decision now in my present frame of mind.  who knows what i will think in the throes of my last hours?  it seems easier now to let everyone know my choice and i think it will be easier for me later to have in mind and abide by it.

other blogs have touched me and given me insight for which i am grateful.  when reading of a husband who is much-loved and loving , drives his beloved to tears, my heart has broken for them and i felt sure this loving husband would not want to cause such pain.   as much as i made every effort to anticipate issues that would create discomfort or pain, there has been much to learn from these generous of spirit women.  in writing for themselves they have made my path smoother.  in their pain, hopefully, my own family will endure less.  i want my family and loved ones to know, although i would prefer to die at home, i want what is best for them.

it is obvious he is thinking about this expiration date.  he makes as many plans as possible.  after december we had agreed to take a break and get some rest.  right away he started making plans and is pushing to make reservations over the next couple of months.  for a healthy person a trip every 6-8 weeks would be fun and it is fun to think about.  when it comes time to go, the reality of how tiring it all is comes crashing in.  i will try to make some of the trips and add to our memories, we have some friends coming from out-of-state in a couple of weeks.  i am looking forward to that.  we may go away for valentine day and if we are going to cumberland island it will need to be soon.  as far as the expiration date goes i know that it is down the road, i just don’t know how many curves are going to be along the way.

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awards and new adventures

December 8, 2012 at 2:59 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

at first when i saw awards on other blogs i thought wouldn’t it be wonderful to be good enough to receive such an honor.  what i never thought of was that someday, someone would be kind enough to think i deserved such an award.  i have said it before and it is not some modesty at all it is just the truth, i am not a writer.

so imagine my surprise when i was nominated, awarded more than one award.  the first time it sat for more than a week, i  had no idea what to do.  so i noticed there were rules to accepting the award and then you need to nominate others.  that seems pretty easy.  then you have to attach it to your blog.  well that is not so easy. some have mastered it but not me.

the real problem if you will is that i do not think i have done anything to deserve an award of any kind.  again this is not some false modesty. others who have received these awards write everyday and do it well. the blogs seem so well written, full of wit and humor. some with heart wrenching stories.  they have earned these awards.  some are real writers. i admire them and enjoy them.

i sit here with my cat on my lap, he is not happy with my computer activity. he wants my full attention.  tomorrow we will be packing for a weeklong cruise.  as excited as i am for this new adventure, i can not ignore the pain.  it is easy to say it is just too much activity and maybe that is exactly what it is.  i am hoping. i am trying to believe as i always do that it will pass.

some day it will not pass. i accept this.  i just want to live as much as possible while i am dying.  nothing wrong with that is there?  living with dying is not a new concept but it is one i have fully embraced.  would i live longer if i played it safe? maybe, maybe not.  whether it was in the army or now with heart failure, i choose to live with as much joy and passion as i feel.  is that twinge my kidneys? time will tell.  i am having trouble breathing but have not wanted to say anything.  as long as possible i will not let him worry.  he deserves this time, to be care free for as long as he can be.  i have made sure that all gifts have been purchased and wrapped. some have been mailed.

while i am honored by the awards for this blog i would really like an award for loving and caring and just being a good human being. but we don’t get awards for these things, they are what we are meant to do.  really our award, my award is the love of my family and friends. there is no other award that can compare with that.  so each of you are my award and i hope i am yours.

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reasons not to be admitted to the hospital

October 17, 2012 at 12:49 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

this is one of those posts i started to write one night and then found i needed to give this more thought. except that isn’t really true.  i worry that others are not going to understand what i am trying to say here.

for me there are absolute reasons why i would not choose to be admitted to a hospital.  during this time my so-called mother died.  i didn’t want my sister to think i was judging our mothers’ choice to go to the hospital numerous times. in the past i have said and repeat here that i in no way want to make judgement of those who choose to go into the hospital.  this is my choice, under my circumstances.  we are not all the same and our circumstances are as varied as we are.

there is no reason for me to go for further testing, when i have new problems like the one with my  liver i look into what the diagnosis really means for me.  are there more tests that are going to clarify issues for me? in my case it was clear from the one test what the problem is and that there is nothing to be gained from further testing or seeing a specialist.  my regular dr., dr. salsberry reviewed the test results with me and we agreed that another test or another dr would not make a significant difference.  it was my choice to not see another dr. for my liver.  it was one of those side events to be expected with the heart failure.

unless there is something significant to be gained from further tests, new doctors or a possible hospital stay then i am just not thinking that is an option for me.  there are so many options available from home now that i see little need of a hospital event for me.  this of course is not the best course of action for many patients. it all depends on the condition and what they can gain from a hospital stay.

it is more important for me to be at home.  a bad ending for me would be to die in the hospital.  there are times when pain has played a big part and i have come very close to a visit.  due to my condition we all are aware i would most likely be admitted to the hospital if i were to go in for any reason. there are no cats to cuddle in the hospital, my husband will not share my bed, friends would see me in an environment i would rather not have them see me in.

the main reasons for me are just simply i do not want to end my life in an unfamiliar bed, i don’t want to be poked and prodded,  i want to choose when i am ready to go. i do not want to give up this last choice.  i am a firm believer in death with dignity. i believe this is a choice my husband and i make and he is ready to live with.  i can not think of a better way to end this adventure than kiss my love and go to sleep with him and my kitties at my side.

all the plans have been made, we know what will follow.  the cremation is arranged, the memorial is planned.  the business side of things are long ago planned, wills are done and business papers are signed.

the most important thing to know is chris and i are okay with the decisions we have made.  we have made this about us and not others.  it is about us and not just me.  yes we die alone and yet we can choose to die with love around us.  whatever you choose i hope that you are able to choose what will make your last moments here on earth the best moment yet. it needs to be the best for you and your loved ones.

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i’m a believer

October 13, 2012 at 1:32 am (believe, choice, end stage congestive heart failure, hope, how does it feel to die, living with dying, pain, the dr. says, Uncategorized) (, , , )

today we had lunch with friends.  we haven’t seen each other in a couple of months although twice arrangements were made. each time we had to cancel due to  my health.  there are few people who hang in over the long haul, whether friends or family.  marge is about my husband’s age and her husband is a few years older than both of them.  age is not our only difference, they are republicans-we are not, they are church goers-we are not.  yet we find plenty to laugh and talk about.  part of the laughing may be the alcohol consumed when we go to their home.  our usual pattern is lunch, then on to their home.  we usually eat near their home since we have some concerns about their driving.  at first i was not sure if they drank but they had alcohol at their christmas gathering so i carefully brought up the subject. not wanting to look like a total alcy i told them about a drink my sister made for me years ago and how great it was.  marge almost jumped for joy! they were not sure if we drank so didn’t want to bring it up.

the drink my sister made is called “keoke” coffee. it is brandy, creme de cocoa, kahlua and strong coffee with whipped cream on top.  wow it is so delicious!! that very day we stopped at the store on the way from our lunch to their home. now marge keeps the works on hand.  she loves to bake and had made pumpkin pie from scratch.  the conversation rambled from one area to another and they had endured a scare regarding her heart health.  they know that i have a medical background so all the questions their dr. should have answered was answered over keoke coffee.  at some point her older sister came up in the conversation.  her sister, who is about her husbands age, has made plans to visit them next year.  marge said she thought this was optimistic at her age.

taking a moment and choosing my words with care i responded.  i have to believe, i have to make plans and hope to see them come to fruition.  maybe that is how your sister feels.  if she doesn’t make plans ahead of time what will she look forward to? if she can’t follow through for some reason she might be able to get a refund if she has paid a deposit or maybe she hasn’t paid a deposit it is just the fun of planning a trip to see her sister.  it gives you both something to share and talk about.  there are so many things i can no longer do, i choose to continue planning for trips in the future or holidays with family and friends.

a few days ago chris asked me if i wanted to go to the biltmore for new years eve. we went there a few years ago and had a really good time.  he went right on to plans for valentine day.  my throat tightens and the words are stuck right there.   let’s just get through the holiday season and then decide what we want to do, how’s that?  he agrees and yet it is in his eyes, why not make plans?  since i seem to no longer have really good days, as just a few months ago, it takes more consideration to make a commitment for any kind of travel.  new years eve at the biltmore is quite expensive and i don’t want to be stuck paying for a weekend that we can’t enjoy.  besides our little celebration at home is more to our taste.

i am going to admit and share something now.  sometimes my writing takes a path i was not expecting. that has happened tonight.  chris is going to augusta tomorrow, he will be gone until sunday mid-day.  i am so happy he is going and want him to know that i support and encourage his participation in taking pictures which he loves. of course being with our grandchildren will be great.  for weeks i have told him not to worry, it is only one night away so just go and have fun.  tonight sitting next to him i am still encouraging him and just when he is feeling comfortable, the pain and fever come.  if i go to bed will he notice i have fever? at times he is hyper-vigilant, other times he is go with the flow.  at one point the pain became excruciating and i let out a little cry, quickly covering by saying, “never mind, i thought i saw something but i was wrong.” ok that worked, it is good he leaves early so he won’t think of changing his mind.  this will pass….. or it won’t. either way he is going to have a good time and i will hope for the best.  i am a believer in making the most of every moment and making sure my love is as happy as he can be under the circumstances.  we are believers.

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ebbing tide

October 10, 2012 at 11:12 pm (choice, death with dignity, dying, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, moving forward, shackelford ponies, the dr. says) (, , , , , , , )

for a few weeks now it has been more and more obvious that this adventure is progressing.  there are some things that people can sympathize with but not having experienced them that is as far as it goes.  the constant pain is one of those things, the exhaustion is another.  when with other people i can easily be left behind.  it is so annoying that i move at a crawl, if i try to go faster i start coughing and have trouble breathing.  going faster is just not an option.  other people don’t think  about slowing down until they realize i am not there beside them. that happened today, he is taller and a great walker.  he can walk as fast as most people jog.  there we were with him almost out the restaurant door while i was still not quite in the lobby.  those moments are perfect pictures of what is happening.

as others continue to move ahead and therefore away, the days ahead are illustrated.  some days while sitting in the recliner, though my love is at my side, i am aware of feeling the life going out like the tide.  it is a gentle ebb and flow, it is the life light flowing from my being.  the tide has been a slow one but make no mistake the tide is going out.  we are going to the seashore in a couple of weeks.  my hopes are high for this trip.  my love of the ocean pulls me and it is a blessing to be able to go.  my energy level is almost non-existent yet my will is strong and i am counting on this will to get me there and to afford me the joy i believe awaits.

in the past i have been able to see myself at the next event or holiday. now things are a bit foggier.  the time to make some choices is closer.  of this i am sure and feel no doubt.  i will not let my husband suffer more than i feel i can bear.  my family is my greatest love and i have a great life.  when the time comes  to go i will pack lightly and will not worry about security checks not allowing more than 3 oz of fluid!

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is this un-nesting?

September 4, 2012 at 12:57 am (choice, coping, heart failure and exhaustion, the dr. says) (, , , , , )

since last week it has come to my attention things are progressing here. this is as it should be and yet my hope keeps me moving forward each day.  just walking from one room to another can bring on exhaustion. lying down in bed is difficult.  as soon as my head starts to lower my breathing becomes strained and then we have gasping for breath.  it can take up to 20 minutes to get settled.  now i never go to bed before 3 and more like 4 or 4:30 a.m.  my man goes to bed around 10 on a normal night.  more often he is trying to stay up with me a bit later.

can’t help but wonder if  i am stalling here, sorry.  so the pain is worse, when it is my liver the pain obliterates all other cognitive activity.  my love recommended i go to the dr. or the ER in this circumstance.  my choice is to hang tough and see what happens.  if i go to the ER i would surely be admitted and that is just a waste of time and resources.  i have worked in ER’s and know what kind of issues they have.  what would they do with me anyway? they would be happy to let me stay a few days.  we have very good health insurance. i have watched people at the end who struggle with their diagnosis and keep going in thinking by some magical dust everything has been changed and they are going to be fine. i am just not that person.

saturday was the worst in some time. i decided to make a stew that would feed him for 3 days.  suddenly i realized my mode was much the same as the nesting phase when pregnant.  grabbing up a stack on the end table, off i go to file papers and work on photos.  it is my goal to have all pics labeled so they can be identified.  asked my darling to sweep and pick up. even though the pain was growing every minute felt another peak climbed and i just wanted to plant my flag in that stew!  at last i felt not only that i had to but i felt i deserved to sit and relax.

at some point i stopped and listened to the voice in my head and my body. both seemed to be telling  this time was different.  that part is the hardest to explain. the difference felt as though i am leaving for a trip and trying to get some last-minute things done.  there is a sense of what is coming.  my goal is to have things in order here so things can be easier  for him.

i am not afraid of death, i am not afraid of pain.  i am afraid of forgetting something and not being able to let him know what it is.  like an artist with a painting they can’t seem to finish.

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