it’s a beautiful thing

October 15, 2015 at 9:49 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

so after much hard work and effort angie accepted a great job in her field.  i am so happy for her and it is with great satisfaction that i share this time with her.  if she had not made the move across country i would not be able to share the joy of her success.  it is much the same as seeing your child find their path in life.  she is in a healthy relationship, has family around her to love and support her and now the career is back on track and even better (hopefully) than what she left behind.  i feel like the proud mother who has lived long enough to see that she is settled and has left some of her struggles behind.

as she is working  in atlanta, about an hour drive but with rush hour traffic more like 3 hours. much like san francisco or any other metropolitan city there are things going on so she can enjoy some down time after work then drive home.  the part that is an adjustment for us is the time we were able to spend together is now more limited.  this is the natural order of life and not a bad thing.  it just is.

a few years ago we were friends with a young woman who had recently broken up with her partner and the person she saw herself with for years to come.  at the time she was late 20’s early 30’s.  her friends all have careers and families so their ability to be available was not the same as mine.  she would call and ask if we could go to lunch, dinner, get our nails done or catch a movie. at the time i still got out a few days per week so this was enjoyable.  one day i was talking with her and told her that soon she would be on the mend and back to spending time with her friends, maybe even a new love.  it was important to me that she know before this happened that i was ok, i not only expected this but wanted it for her.  she is now married and has a busy career.  i have not seen her in probably 2 years.  my world is growing smaller and so this is as it needs to be.

i have always thought being content was what humans strive for in life.  as a child my environment was poor in material resources but rich in this feeling of quiet and satisfaction with life.  as i got older it was obvious that too many were unhappy with their life and wanted some undefinable “thing” that was always just out of their grasp.  oh they would be happy for a period of time but then you could feel the restlessness driving them on.  this is not to say we are not to set goals for ourselves i just think there are times those goals are our undoing.

this all leads to a conversation she and i had last night.  i made her cry and if you know one thing about me it is my love and desire that no one suffer is in conflict with the realization that life is suffering.  with suffering we are made present in this shell we call our body, with suffering we understand true joy when we experience it.  no i do not advocate suffering, i just know that it is.  we were talking about my fluid retention and the lack of alternatives since i am in more advanced kidney disease.

A: there has to be something they can do

me: no, sometimes there is this beautiful thing…. acceptance. there isn’t always going to be one more thing to do.

A: (she tears up and turns her head away) i know….

me: you know i always thought there is one more thing to try, one more way to look at a problem.  sometimes there is just no more to do.

what she may not know is it breaks my heart to see her suffer.  i know that she must go through this as we all do, if i could spare her or anyone i love the pain i know they will feel i certainly would.  that would deny them the beauty of acceptance though and i would not wish that for them either.  sometimes there is great beauty in suffering, there is the beauty of acceptance.

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the dr. says and how to die in georgia

August 20, 2012 at 6:19 pm (ask the doctor, how does it feel to die, the dr. says) (, , )

last week i had to go to the dr.  this is a trip i have been trying  to postpone as long as possible.  finally my body could no longer be ignored so off to his office i went.

first observation- you missed your last appointment.  the rebel in me wants to say “no i didn’t miss it at all.”

second observation- i don’t worry too much about you as you know more than the average patient.

third observation- you have more fluid retention than i would like.  me- then it is more than i would like too. it is however congestive heart failure.

last observation- we need to do lab work, i have some concerns.   me(thinking) i will have more lab work when hell freezes over.

he is a new grandfather so i ask about pics and he is more than happy to oblige.  i remark how much happier he looks since leaving his previous group and joining this new one.  he shares how much weight he has lost, sleeps better and just feels better in general.  this is good news.  a happy dr. is like most of us, the happier the better we do in life and work.  i have come to care about him and know we have a great relationship.  neither of us would ever cross that line and take care to let each other know where that line is.

ling on my lap relaxing. one more reason to go ahead and have that lab work done.  i have too many reasons not to go ahead and let them stick me and wait for whatever news it brings. maybe i am wrong, maybe  my kidneys are fine.  maybe i will have many more evenings sitting with one of the kitty’s on lap.

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