and let it begin with me

December 10, 2015 at 5:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

it is 4 a.m. and i am watching a taped program.  thinking of how much has happened and not knowing where to start or how to sort it all out.

since the transfusion a month ago my health has taken a very dramatic hit.  within days i was back at the hospital, and as i last shared, i was admitted.  after 5 days, 4 on fluid pills, i had to have fluid to save my kidneys.  i left the hospital on oxygen and at night/day when just sitting, i use the oxygenator.  it turns ambient air into oxygen.  it sounds like darth vader. actually it sounds like a respirator.

life as i knew it is over.  i can’t walk to the car in the driveway without oxygen. two months ago i was having to decide whether or not i would need the electric cart at the store.  i could still walk about on my own then.  not far but it was still possible. the anemia and low blood volume were making my life difficult.  i had hope that this transfusion would do what the iron infusions had done for me last year.  until last month i thought i would be having the infusions again.  then i got the call.  the dr feels you are not going to get results from infusions this time.  he feels the transfusion is the best option.

i gave up my power at that point.  i didn’t call my cardiologist, who (by the way) muttered as he left my hospital room, she should have never had the transfusion.  in that moment i realized the mistake made.  my man and my sister were happy about the transfusion. of course neither of them fully understood the consequences if it went wrong.  i am not sure i understood the full consequences.  in my mind it wasn’t something that was irreversible.  well unless there is a huge surprise waiting for us this is the way it is now.

let’s do a check-in now.  are you feeling sorry for me? please don’t, i will say to you now what i said from the very beginning, i have had an amazing life.  great family that i love more than my own life.  not only do i have a loving sister and phenomenal husband, i have step-daughters and a step-son.  i have grandchildren that own my heart and i gladly give it to them.  we have some very special friends who have made my life a joy.  there are my blog and Facebook friends. we have our Barrel friends who i believe  really do care about us and we for them.  there is my lovely heart child A.  she will be my one regret in life, i guess we can not escape without one in our life time. i have friends in california who remain in my life and hopefully know how much i love and care for them and their loved ones. i would like special mention to go to S.  she is wife number one.  she and i have given each other respect and worked out what might be awkward situations for others.  she is the quintessential southern woman.

my fear is i have forgotten someone, not because they mean less, simply my exhaustion.

i was watching a movie, not much else to do, sleep and watch t.v.  a few years ago before roku my choices would have been very limited.  now i can access all types of movies and shows.  i love all the documentaries. so in this one movie the child says how much she loves  butterflies. when she found out they only live a short time, sometimes for a month or less.  one day she went to her mother crying.  her mother sat her down and said yes they have a short life but what a beautiful life they live!

do i dare presume to compare my life to a butterflies?  it may be shorter than normal but it has been such a beautiful life.  from moment to moment my life is incredible.  my loving man does whatever he can to make my life better/ more comfortable.  friends who send cards, bring food and even bring food to the hospital.  a sister who comes to help in any way she can. somehow she got a hairdresser to come to my home and i am blown away by that prospect. A still in’s me to talk about her life delimna. here i am this close to the end and i still have the ability to share some last minute life advice.

i am just so grateful for all those who have impacted my life and allowed me to be a part of theirs.

i leave you with this …… my final thought for tonight….. my wish for my life

let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.  and you??

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so what is the gift here?

November 22, 2015 at 5:22 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

each day i try to start the day or at least end the day with a personal embrace of what gift this day has brought to me.  for certain there are days that are more difficult than others. some days all i can do is be grateful for being gifted that day. even on a day i am only awake a few hours i cannot let the day pass without acknowledging the gift of that one more day.

as you may know i had a transfusion a few weeks ago.  it was performed as an outpatient and really seemed to go well.  each day afterward i retained more fluid, a problem with congestive heart failure that eventually takes your life.  by friday i couldn’t say more than one word without gasping for air,  after some coercion, from those i love, i had to go off to the emergency room.  from there i went straight in to the hospital.

there was a build up of fluid that even the i.v. lasix couldn’t completely relieve me of the fluid that was and is smothering me.  my kidneys were compromised by the lasix so i had to stay an extra day.  you will never guess what the cure for my kidneys being less than 100%.  it is fluid! they gave me a salt water based fluid i.v. which yes increased my retention while at the same time bringing my kidney function to a level needed to discharge me from the hospital.  i left with a walker and oxygen.  my body has not been able to release this extra fluid to date.  there are times when i cough and choke.  it feels like i can not get any air.  it would not be any different from someone putting their hands around my throat and choking the air out of me.

afterward i am gasping, shaking and a bit disoriented.  the gift? he sits beside me and i know that i am loved.  i have had so many more days than i could have hoped for in the beginning.  who knows what is ahead or just around the corner?  right now i know that i will not be able to travel for the holidays as we have in the past.  no, we will not be going to charleston this year.  maybe these are the last holidays for me.

how amazing if i am given these last holidays! oh who knows when the last time or last day will be?  we can just be grateful for the gift of today.

i want to mention that we have some friends who brought us food a few days after i came home.  it was so wonderful to know that there are such caring people in the world and they are our friends.  i have a friend who works at one of our favorite restaurants, she came to the hospital after working a double shift.  she brought me my favorite food.  so many gifts in one life time.  i am so grateful for each day and each person that touches my life.  i have made friends here, on Facebook and of course in real-time.  i have friends in other states that i have not ever met, some have been my friends for years though we have not seen each other in over 10 years.

the oxygen keeps me breathing for now.  my heart keeps beating for now.  my soul is grateful… always.

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does this make me wimpy?

November 9, 2015 at 12:05 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

i have written concerning my feelings, this applies only to myself and is in no way a judgement of anyone else, regarding the use of the e.r. and pain medication.  tonight i have broken both of these soft rules.  i have always known that i may indeed have to use the e.r. at some point. i just thought it would be under more dire (?) circumstances.  just minutes ago i asked for and received a shot of morphine.  i just need to rest a few hours.  i just need to be able to regroup and move forward from here.

on tuesday i had a blood transfusion.  it has to be done either through the outpatient or as an admitted patient when you have congestive heart failure.  it is considered risky and my cardiologist muttered under his breath as he left my room today “she should not have been given the transfusion.”  although i did not have an immediate reaction i did start a slide down hill that only going to the e.r. and being admitted could stop.  for a couple of weeks i was battling a virus, possibly pneumonia.  then came the transfusion and my body just couldn’t handle it.

i was adamantly against going to the e.r. until this,

angie: you’re not the one with the dying sister who is going to suffer the loss.

for a moment i thought she was joking, she had made the comment to me once that i could not use the “i’m dying card.”  so in the void left by this deeply raw and honest truth i replied, “you’re not going to play that card are you because you can only use it on a limited basis.

i look at her and am a bit ashamed that i have brought her to this point.  how could i not see that she and he are worried and frustrated by my rejection of possible remedy.  her eyes hold what could become tears, oh i want to move across the room and hug her tightly but i am too ill to do so and know that i must go to the dreaded e.r.

she has bought in to the opinion of some nurse on the phone line who tells her i will get oxygen and just take some home with me.  of course i am now in a room as a patient of our local hospital.  that alone is the frustration i carry. does this make me a wimp?  have i given in to the idea i can be fixed? no, this i know for sure, i have not been blinded to the reality that i am coming to that place where there are no more steps to be taken.  it will be time to open myself to the universe and welcome this part of my journey.

my mind is analyzing and seeking the answer to this question, by asking for pain medication have i crossed a line that  changes me and what i stand for?  my chest x-ray showed pleural effusions.  i will explain in my next post but for now let me say that there is a high level of pain involved.  given time i have no doubt i can walk with this pain without fear or dread.  tonight though i have asked for relief.  just for tonight i jokingly welcome this wimp who decided not to be brave tonight.  tonight i am a wimp and i can love this part of myself.  she will have to take a back seat tomorrow but for tonight she is calling the “shots.”  not as clever as judy or any of the other real writers i have come to love but not bad for a wimp.

good night to all you brave beings who face your battles with grace that leaves me inspired and in awe.  good night to all the wimps who i am learning to respect and understand in a new day and new light.  now if i can just get a few hours of rest here where the lights are never off.

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it’s a beautiful thing

October 15, 2015 at 9:49 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

so after much hard work and effort angie accepted a great job in her field.  i am so happy for her and it is with great satisfaction that i share this time with her.  if she had not made the move across country i would not be able to share the joy of her success.  it is much the same as seeing your child find their path in life.  she is in a healthy relationship, has family around her to love and support her and now the career is back on track and even better (hopefully) than what she left behind.  i feel like the proud mother who has lived long enough to see that she is settled and has left some of her struggles behind.

as she is working  in atlanta, about an hour drive but with rush hour traffic more like 3 hours. much like san francisco or any other metropolitan city there are things going on so she can enjoy some down time after work then drive home.  the part that is an adjustment for us is the time we were able to spend together is now more limited.  this is the natural order of life and not a bad thing.  it just is.

a few years ago we were friends with a young woman who had recently broken up with her partner and the person she saw herself with for years to come.  at the time she was late 20’s early 30’s.  her friends all have careers and families so their ability to be available was not the same as mine.  she would call and ask if we could go to lunch, dinner, get our nails done or catch a movie. at the time i still got out a few days per week so this was enjoyable.  one day i was talking with her and told her that soon she would be on the mend and back to spending time with her friends, maybe even a new love.  it was important to me that she know before this happened that i was ok, i not only expected this but wanted it for her.  she is now married and has a busy career.  i have not seen her in probably 2 years.  my world is growing smaller and so this is as it needs to be.

i have always thought being content was what humans strive for in life.  as a child my environment was poor in material resources but rich in this feeling of quiet and satisfaction with life.  as i got older it was obvious that too many were unhappy with their life and wanted some undefinable “thing” that was always just out of their grasp.  oh they would be happy for a period of time but then you could feel the restlessness driving them on.  this is not to say we are not to set goals for ourselves i just think there are times those goals are our undoing.

this all leads to a conversation she and i had last night.  i made her cry and if you know one thing about me it is my love and desire that no one suffer is in conflict with the realization that life is suffering.  with suffering we are made present in this shell we call our body, with suffering we understand true joy when we experience it.  no i do not advocate suffering, i just know that it is.  we were talking about my fluid retention and the lack of alternatives since i am in more advanced kidney disease.

A: there has to be something they can do

me: no, sometimes there is this beautiful thing…. acceptance. there isn’t always going to be one more thing to do.

A: (she tears up and turns her head away) i know….

me: you know i always thought there is one more thing to try, one more way to look at a problem.  sometimes there is just no more to do.

what she may not know is it breaks my heart to see her suffer.  i know that she must go through this as we all do, if i could spare her or anyone i love the pain i know they will feel i certainly would.  that would deny them the beauty of acceptance though and i would not wish that for them either.  sometimes there is great beauty in suffering, there is the beauty of acceptance.

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my lucky bad day

September 24, 2015 at 5:02 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

at the end of my day yesterday i sat in our double recliner, feet up and a cozy throw on my legs.  i couldn’t help but smile.  it was a particularly tough day physically.  i had some errands to run, angie and i wanted to spend some time together so off we go.

as of late my physical symptoms have escalated.  this comes as no surprise and yet we are somehow, briefly surprised and even confused.  walking 15-20 feet can leave me breathless and with chest pain.  during the day we accommodated my failing heart the best we could.  our last stop i could feel my heart struggling to keep up with my mind. we laughed and made bad jokes that might meet with disapproval from others.  this time has been so precious for us both.

me: i am so lucky.

her: why do you say that you’re lucky?

me: just think about it, i am here with you, i have a loving husband and friends.  i have lived my life the way i wanted, having adventures others might only dream of.

at this point i talked about even the most mundane pleasures, having a washer and dryer,  i hated going to the laundrymat!  to have air conditioning during these hot summer days, central heat during the winter are gifts i never take for granted.  to have the last job be the job of my dreams.  surrounded by family, friends and cats that i adore make me one of the luckiest women alive.

each day when i wake i take a moment to think about the many wonderful days i have had.  there may not be so many ahead of me but that matters little to me now.  if i shed a tear now it is for my loved ones who will hurt when i leave.  until that last breathe and perhaps beyond i will know that i am one lucky woman.  i think of that little boy washing up on the beach and i cry for him and his loved ones.  his mother and brother also died at that time.  to think of their suffering and the young lives not lived to their fullest.  too many take this offering called life for granted.  they don’t fully appreciate what they have been given.  i do not judge them, i just feel so sorry for them.  we all deserve to love our life and to feel as though we are lucky to have this life.

angie and chris in yosemite

angie and chris in yosemite

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lupus?? calabassis(?) frog jumping contest

September 7, 2015 at 2:56 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

froghurrayanimatethe following message came from someone who works with my new primary care doctor.

Hello Sandra, It looks like Tanya has already scheduled your appointment with Dr. Hanley? The ANA is the preliminary blood test that we use to check for a autoimmune disease such as Lupus. This is the reason that we referred you to Rheumatology. We will be more than happy to go over this in more detail when you come for your appointment with Dr. Hanley if you have any additional questions. THANKS and have a great day!

so now i could have lupus?? it might just be the rheumatoid arthritis.  well not likely but i like to think that may be it.  angie looked it up and really there is nothing new that i am not already experiencing.  that is the good news for me i think.

he has gone to bed and now we have our girl time.  we have certain shows we watch that he wouldn’t enjoy.  it is our time to just hang and talk smack frankly.  we also just have this time when we are together and no words are needed.  one of the best things is we have a similar sense of humor.  we know that we would never say these things to others as they might not understand that we could laugh at some of the things that make us cry laughing so hard.

angie asked me about my pain and what happens when i am unable to wake enough to get up.  she wants to understand, she came to our room more than once trying to stir me.  one time she read me an article about washing blue jeans.  her ex boyfriend would tell her he didn’t need to wash his jeans.  my own man has baffled me with this argument for not washing his jeans as often as i would think necessary.  he is otherwise a clean man and dresses very well when leaving the house.  i can remember basic facts of this article, i can remember her voice.  i love her voice! it is so expressive and usually has this hint of laughter just waiting to break out.

i tell her briefly what it is like to lay there and drift off when there is a part of me that screams at this body to respond.  get up….. get moving…. the day is passing and you are not participating.

me- you know what i really think about this new problem? it is much like the frog jumping contest they have in california each year.  you know they line these frogs up and one may start jumping straight ahead while the others may go off in other directions or just sit still and make no move.  well those frogs are my diseases or disorders.  one is congestive heart failure, another is kidney failure and so on with the liver failure, internal bleeding and now we add in lupus.  one of them is going to cross the line and kill me.  we were laughing and imitating those frogs!  then i said – you know i am so relieved to have you here and be able to laugh about this stuff.  as we are laughing she says “yeah, us and our demented sense of humor.”

well i would rather have a demented sense of humor than to be crying over this journey.  now we just have to decide which frog we are going to bet on.  anyone want to place a bet?

as the office worker said in her message, Thanks and have a great day!

Read the rest of this entry »

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36%

September 3, 2015 at 10:11 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

we (younger sister and i) are talking about long-term relationships.

me- can you believe we have been married 20 years??? well together for 23

her- it doesn’t seem that long.  can you believe i stayed with …. (he who will be unnamed) for so long?

me- i stayed married to the first one for 10 yrs and got divorced right around that 10 year mark.  the second one he died just before our 10 mark.  it never occurred to me that i would be with anyone for that long.  wowow, it really has been over 20 years.  i kind of worried if someone was married for too long they would run out of things to say to each other.

she- oh i know, i’ve seen those couples! can you imagine?

me- that would be me, one day just say “that’s it, that’s all i got.”  can you imagine saying that to someone??  what would he say if i just looked at him and said “i got nothing for you.”

at this point we are laughing and moving on to other topics as we often do.  we all laugh more since she has arrived.  the cats adore her, well ling tolerates her but then she barely tolerates me:)  she is part of the family and fits well with all concerned.  our friends love her and she is making new friends each day.  all though we are all here together it works great for her to have the rooms upstairs and we are downstairs.  we share the downstairs actually, of course the living room, dining and kitchen.

she comes in to wake me up and much like when she was a baby she can make me smile the moment i know she is there.  unlike my sweetie, she is more persistent when she knows i really want to be up and going.  this morning she brought the time magazine i bought with the article on donald trump.  after a good laugh at his expense, i was ready and able to get in the shower and she was off doing whatever it is she does:)

she has taken me to hair appointments, nails, shopping and of course the ever-present doctor appointments.  we have had some conversations about my feelings of no hospital.  actually she was completely supportive of me not going in last week.  at first she had questions and thought if it would make me better then i should go in.  when we got down to it and how going in will not make me better, it will just make the doctors feel better.  by the way it is now in my permanent record that i “refused to go to the e.r.”  ask me if i care! i find it funny but understand they are trying to cover themselves and avoid a lawsuit.  now she is supportive and understands that i will not die in a hospital if it is at all avoidable.

not that she let’s me slide on blood work! actually she is a little nag about those things.  at my last appointment with the nephrologist he gave me lots of numbers and most of them i remember what they mean.  just before leaving his office i asked for the bottom line, what is my kidney function percentage?  he is slow to look up and when he does he clearly says 36%.  it takes me a moment before i ask, so i know some organs don’t function at 100% as we age so to put this in perspective what percentage should i be at?  again he takes a moment before saying “they should be high 90’s to 100”

even at 36% i am not in need of dialysis yet.  they did test and know i have rheumatoid arthritis, so another doctor.  for so many months i went without a doctor.  we have all experienced that bubble when we first go in and suddenly we can’t get off this ride.  i am getting ready to say “i got nothing for ya.”  the last few times i have gone in the well was dry.  i am tempted to say, i already told you everything so ……  unless you have something new?  oh wait i did that and they are sending me to a rhuematologist. all i know is i am over this getting caught up with the new doctor.

my computer battery is almost dead so i guess this is all for now.  life is good regardless of what percentage my kidneys work at, life is good and maybe in part because my kidneys work at 36%.  each day i know that i am blessed to be breathing, laughing and loving.

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all the time in the world and no time at all

August 18, 2015 at 4:02 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

after being out of the room for a few minutes i am greeted with –

him: your doctor just called.

me:  and…..

him: he said your lab work is back.  your potassium is high and he wants you to go to the emergency room.

me: ok, well what else did he say?

him: just that you need to go to the emergency room.

me: well that’s not happening.

he is concerned and wants to know why not.  i laugh and say all the right things.  it is a waste of time and resources.  i have an appointment with the nephrologist on friday after all.  high levels of potassium are related to kidney failure and heart failure.  going to the e.r. won’t change anything, this cannot be fixed.  if going to the hospital would put my health back to normal then i would be on the road to the closest e.r.

my sister has been out and comes in with lots of information from a camping/hiking class she has attended.  earlier on the phone she told me she had some exciting news.  once in the door she asks and i tell her we want to hear her news first.  she tells us about some news that she is indeed very excited about and asks about our excitement.  i laugh and say it wasn’t really exciting,  after hearing what the dr said she asks what we are going to do.  i give her a quick run down and she looks to him while asking how he feels about my not going in.  if i could love either of them more it would be at this moment.  he says he trusts my decision, believing me to be an informed patient (i hate that word) he agrees with my logic.

later she asks me more about going in and all i can say is #1 – there is nothing being an inpatient would change. #2 we are way too busy for this, tomorrow is her birthday and i am not going to spend it in the hospital.  wednesday we are getting our hair done, i am seeing way too much gray! thursday is bridge for chris and i enjoy going to dinner afterward with players who meet each thursday after their game.  friday he has poker and she is going to a concert with h.  saturday he leaves for charleston and i know he won’t go and do any of these things if i am either in the hospital or seem “ill” to him.

there is a saying, and i paraphrase here, it is regarding how we think we have all the time in the world and that is our problem in life.  i understand this and feel blessed to know that my time is limited.  it makes life all the sweeter.  as i see it in some ways we have all the time in this world.  no need to rush, enjoy life. stop and smell the roses as they say.  for me time has gone all too fast, i will not waste it with visits to the hospital.  i will eat cake (birthday), get this hair dyed, have dinner with our friends and best of all? i will spend each moment living, loving and laughing! what could be better than that?

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20 years, 7 years and 2 months

August 11, 2015 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

last thursday we celebrated our 20th anniversary.  we have actually been together for about 23 years but our culture doesn’t celebrate those years, only the ones that have been “legal.”  the thing that surprised me the most is when asked what i wanted to do to celebrate i didn’t want to do anything big. what we did was have dinner with our friend julia. she is that friend who regardless of how often we see each other we know how we feel.  the time was spent eating at our favorite local restaurant and catching up on her recent trip.  this feisty woman drove herself to virginia and not sure but may have driven all the way to washington d.c. for a family reunion.  julia is on oxygen and not the youngest friend i have.  she is so kind to me, and i know in my heart i could always call her and talk.  i can be honest with her in a way i can only be with a few people. of course that doesn’t include my friends here:)

twenty years ago i married the man of my dreams.  tonight as we were watching George Gently on acorn and it was about a baby being kidnapped.  it took place in 1968 and quite unexpectedly i hear ” i should have kidnapped you. you would have been 14 but that’s legal in arkansas isn’t it?”  after a little laugh i gave this some thought.  my life would have so different if he had been my first love. the best thing is he is my last love.  when you think about it very few people are still with their first love.  as a teenager we may think this or that guy is our dream, as we get older that can change drastically.  not to say that it can’t happen, being with your first love would be amazing but it just doesn’t happen for most of us.  i can’t regret all that went before, i wouldn’t have the experiences and memories i do now.

over the past 23 years we have created some amazing memories. i don’t think i could have appreciated who he was when i was 14. actually that is the age i moved to california to take care of my baby sister.  those were 2 of the best years of my life.  as it turned out i had my son at age 17 and had surgery at the age of 22 and would never have more children.  then at the old age of 37 i met him.  as if that wasn’t enough i gained 2 step-daughters and 1 step-son.  i know have grandchildren and even a great-granddaughter.  all of these blessings have come to me since meeting and marrying my forever love.

seven years ago i was given 5 years to live.  that was and still is the statistic used for people with congestive heart failure.  what i am discovering is the congestive heart failure is not always what gets you in the end.  due to the poor circulation other organs start to break down.  my kidneys are on the edge of stage 4 failure.  there is not much to do and that is frustrating at times.  today i had an appointment with my new family practice doctor.  it is apparent we are going to have a very different relationship than i had with my last doctor.  this doctor is very caring and kind much like my last doctor.  the difference is i find myself more willing to have some testing done.  i am severely anemic again and he wants me to see a gastrointerologist.  he seems sure that i have internal bleeding.  the truth is i have known this for the last few years.  i just refused to have any more testing done before.  now i find myself agreeing to go and see a new doctor who will most likely want to do a scope and find this bleed.  last year i had the iron infusion and it worked for the last year.  before that i had a blood transfusion. the blood transfusion would be too risky so the iron infusion would be an option.  for some reason this doctor wants to find the problem and fix it if possible.  i am still on the fence.   so the rest of the news is my liver has not gotten any worse. my kidneys are getting worse though.  he is sending me to a ruematologist, i have had arthritis for several years and it is has gotten much worse in the last few months.

two months ago my sister gave up her life in san francisco and moved to georgia in order to be with us.  the move was only a few blocks from where we were living however i have learned no matter how short or long the distance a move is a move!  if not for her and a couple of other friends we couldn’t have done this.  the moving company was great but if not for angie and our friend rita it wouldn’t have happened.

time is what we too often think we have plenty of and it is the thing that can end without a moments notice.  i have few regrets and live my life the best i can.  thanks to my family and friends my time (however long or short) is the best it can be.  my sister comes in to wake me now and again.  seeing her smiling beautiful face gives such joy! other times my love comes to wake me.  his sweet face and loving manner still make me smile.  my heart still beats a little faster when i anticipate seeing him and then there he is.  yes after 23 years my heart still beats faster for him.  maybe i will have this test so i can continue to see their loving faces.  maybe i will have this test so i continue to see the faces of my step-friends, grandchildren and friends. maybe i will have this test to see just how many years beyond the statistics i can live.  there are more up sides than down sides?  i have time to decide, i think, i hope.

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a bit of this and that

June 14, 2015 at 2:43 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

the four elements of wisdom-

I am sorry

I was wrong

I need help

I don’t know

these seem like no brainers, but just in case, here they are:)

 

Othello- “i have no wife.”

this struck me in fact due to a man i have come to not only admire but also respect, lost his wife a few months ago.  he had cared for her throughout her illness. he was with her when she left this journey.  one of the things he said to me (no names as this is his story) that will stay with me til i leave this story, “i don’t have a wife.”  to be a part of two that seldom is out of each other’s company to suddenly be ……. without that person. stunning to say the least and even more so to live through.

 

A couple of things from the movie THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

The young girl says ” that is the truth, we die in the middle of a sentence.”

of course not literally but i certainly hope to go in the middle of a sentence rather than just waiting for that last period at the end of the last sentence.  have you ever wondered what that last sentence would be? what do you want it to be?

mine will not be “rosebud” that is for sure. i don’t want those i love spending years trying to understand what i was trying to say or what i meant.  my greatest hope is that it will be 1) how much i loved 2) how grateful i am for the life i have had 3) how much i love to dance.

 

where there is hope there is life-Anne Frank.  this doesn’t need much explaining.  i will hold out hope until the very point where in order to leave my family with hope i will give up this life.

 

the last good day you don’t know is the last good day.  well i certainly hope not! otherwise it would not be the last good day. although i believe or hope that i could know and still have a good day.  i don’t think they are mutually exclusive.  although to be fair i can’t say for sure.  i know that i would hope to spend each moment with those i love laughing about the old days along with some of the new.  listen to music, make prank calls, you know the sort of things.

the meaning of life can be found through these words:

gratitude

courage

knowledge

belief

wonder

generosity

hope

love-( is an invitation)

i invite you to love with all your heart, hope with all you have, be generous whenever possible (this includes kindness and love). never lose your wonder at all the amazing bits in this thing we call life.  believe in something, start with yourself and go from there. knowledge is power and it can never be taken from you. oh yes there are those who will say what about brain dis-eases? somewhere in the fibers of your being is everything you ever knew throughout your life. courage comes in many forms, you didn’t have to serve in the war or rescue people from a fire to have courage.  gratitude is one of the easier ones.  each day you wake up, you have the chance to live these words.

 

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