20 years, 7 years and 2 months

August 11, 2015 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

last thursday we celebrated our 20th anniversary.  we have actually been together for about 23 years but our culture doesn’t celebrate those years, only the ones that have been “legal.”  the thing that surprised me the most is when asked what i wanted to do to celebrate i didn’t want to do anything big. what we did was have dinner with our friend julia. she is that friend who regardless of how often we see each other we know how we feel.  the time was spent eating at our favorite local restaurant and catching up on her recent trip.  this feisty woman drove herself to virginia and not sure but may have driven all the way to washington d.c. for a family reunion.  julia is on oxygen and not the youngest friend i have.  she is so kind to me, and i know in my heart i could always call her and talk.  i can be honest with her in a way i can only be with a few people. of course that doesn’t include my friends here:)

twenty years ago i married the man of my dreams.  tonight as we were watching George Gently on acorn and it was about a baby being kidnapped.  it took place in 1968 and quite unexpectedly i hear ” i should have kidnapped you. you would have been 14 but that’s legal in arkansas isn’t it?”  after a little laugh i gave this some thought.  my life would have so different if he had been my first love. the best thing is he is my last love.  when you think about it very few people are still with their first love.  as a teenager we may think this or that guy is our dream, as we get older that can change drastically.  not to say that it can’t happen, being with your first love would be amazing but it just doesn’t happen for most of us.  i can’t regret all that went before, i wouldn’t have the experiences and memories i do now.

over the past 23 years we have created some amazing memories. i don’t think i could have appreciated who he was when i was 14. actually that is the age i moved to california to take care of my baby sister.  those were 2 of the best years of my life.  as it turned out i had my son at age 17 and had surgery at the age of 22 and would never have more children.  then at the old age of 37 i met him.  as if that wasn’t enough i gained 2 step-daughters and 1 step-son.  i know have grandchildren and even a great-granddaughter.  all of these blessings have come to me since meeting and marrying my forever love.

seven years ago i was given 5 years to live.  that was and still is the statistic used for people with congestive heart failure.  what i am discovering is the congestive heart failure is not always what gets you in the end.  due to the poor circulation other organs start to break down.  my kidneys are on the edge of stage 4 failure.  there is not much to do and that is frustrating at times.  today i had an appointment with my new family practice doctor.  it is apparent we are going to have a very different relationship than i had with my last doctor.  this doctor is very caring and kind much like my last doctor.  the difference is i find myself more willing to have some testing done.  i am severely anemic again and he wants me to see a gastrointerologist.  he seems sure that i have internal bleeding.  the truth is i have known this for the last few years.  i just refused to have any more testing done before.  now i find myself agreeing to go and see a new doctor who will most likely want to do a scope and find this bleed.  last year i had the iron infusion and it worked for the last year.  before that i had a blood transfusion. the blood transfusion would be too risky so the iron infusion would be an option.  for some reason this doctor wants to find the problem and fix it if possible.  i am still on the fence.   so the rest of the news is my liver has not gotten any worse. my kidneys are getting worse though.  he is sending me to a ruematologist, i have had arthritis for several years and it is has gotten much worse in the last few months.

two months ago my sister gave up her life in san francisco and moved to georgia in order to be with us.  the move was only a few blocks from where we were living however i have learned no matter how short or long the distance a move is a move!  if not for her and a couple of other friends we couldn’t have done this.  the moving company was great but if not for angie and our friend rita it wouldn’t have happened.

time is what we too often think we have plenty of and it is the thing that can end without a moments notice.  i have few regrets and live my life the best i can.  thanks to my family and friends my time (however long or short) is the best it can be.  my sister comes in to wake me now and again.  seeing her smiling beautiful face gives such joy! other times my love comes to wake me.  his sweet face and loving manner still make me smile.  my heart still beats a little faster when i anticipate seeing him and then there he is.  yes after 23 years my heart still beats faster for him.  maybe i will have this test so i can continue to see their loving faces.  maybe i will have this test so i continue to see the faces of my step-friends, grandchildren and friends. maybe i will have this test to see just how many years beyond the statistics i can live.  there are more up sides than down sides?  i have time to decide, i think, i hope.

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the last chapter??

July 24, 2015 at 2:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

it has been much too long since i have been here.  i miss having the outlet to share how i am feeling.  once you say things out loud (or write them) it is a relief and it makes you feel heard.  being heard is something we all want.  not being heard can lead to people behaving like ted kazinski (the unibomber).

last friday i felt things were finally going a bit better.  to my delight i was able to go out for a few errands with angie.  the last ones she went in on her own and i waited in the car.  it was still great to just get out and we talked and laughed the whole time.  it was freedom to be my old self. to reminisce about the days when she was a baby and the years she was growing up.  we dished about men and learning the southern ways.  in particular the “drop-in.”

when we arrived home i mentioned that the weeds were taller than the plants in our front flower bed.  we decided to grab a few on our way in.  it felt good to accomplish something even so small and insignificant. we were laughing when suddenly i felt so weak i fell to the ground.  my sister yelled out my name and ran to my side.  if she had been too kind i don’t know if i could have done what i did next.  she knows me well and followed my lead.  i said i just needed a minute and in the meantime we chatted.  she asked if i needed help and we had discussed the possible need for what is called a “lift assist.”  this way when you call 911 they know someone has fallen but will not need to be transported.

after a few moments i was able to get in to a crawling position.  from there i was able to crawl into the house where we have stairs and i simply to one at a time until i was able to sit up.  the whole time we are just laughing and though i know she was concerned having her cool and calm reaction is more valuable to me than any medication.

i started this with the intention of writing regarding a documentary titled The Last Chapter.  for now i have discovered there are other stories i feel the need to share.  stories that are about me and not others.  it is too easy for me to slip in to that mode.  how easy to discuss statistics and the story of others.  it is not always so easy to tell how i see myself deteriorating.  i am weak now.  going outside of this house is not as easy as it once was.  i sleep more hours in a day than i am awake.  i treasure the time i am able to sit next to my love and just talk or watch one of our programs we love.  now that angie is here i love the days she comes in to the bedroom and sits on the bed beside me and we chat.

this may very well be my last chapter.  oh i won’t go in to the tedious details.  it has been an amazing party and i may be close to leaving.  there are a few more things i wish to do before my final good nights and thank you’s. one of the people in the documentary referred to his life as being lived in chapters.  i relate to this strongly.  this chapter has been a blessing and i will be grateful to the end for this last chapter.  for now i am just enjoying the new house with my sister and husband.  i was gifted by  fate to have step-daughters whom i care so deeply for and grandchildren who hold a part of my heart and will until the end.

we have become good friends with people that i have come to care for deeply.  to know that there are these few who will carry my story on after i am gone gives me great peace.  peace of heart is something that i found many years ago and my fondest wish for those who suffer.  to truly have peace no matter what is happening around you is a gift beyond words.  it holds you deep inside and tells you no matter how things turn out it is ok.  you can handle whatever comes your way.

i wish for you my love, my family and my friends that you find this peace of heart.  i wish for you joy and light in your life.  there will be difficult times yet with this peace you will find comfort within.

i have missed you. missed being able to say what is on my mind. missed sharing those thoughts that come now at the end.  this has been a mystery for too long.  just think when you have been to a party with so much joy, laughter and all your family and friends have been with you.  you are getting ready to leave for the night but you want to stay a bit longer, have one more conversation, shake one more hand, kiss one more cheek.  you are drunk with joy, i am drunk with joy and though i hesitate to leave i know i must.  it is just waiting for the clock to strike midnight.  i will have to leave or turn in to a pumpkin.

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dinner with julia

May 23, 2015 at 2:29 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

thursday is bridge day.  even when i was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago i insisted that he go and play.  it is my contention he is a social person and the importance of his social life takes top of the list with me.  on sunday we were to meet with heather for a belated birthday brunch but i was unfortunately too ill to go along.  it has become easier to encourage him and for him to go.  there have been days i just cannot get out and he is more comfortable going to the grocery store with a list some times and just on his own (which is scary for me) without a list. through his playing bridge i have made some terrific friends.

julia could be my older sister and i have such deep affection for her. she keeps this wild man in line when need calls for it.  he talks to her and she gives him good advise.  he has a lot of respect for her.  i have a lot of respect for julia and love. ok there i said it and she is going to cringe:) that makes it all worth while julia! the thought of you shaking your head and cringing just a little bit:)

dot is another woman in the group. i love her honesty. she just says it like it is this woman.  she also keeps him line. they can joke with each other in a great way and i think they will be friends long after i am gone. of course he will stay friends with julia too!

charlotte is married to ken.  ken is norwegian. they were gone for a long time last year and we missed them.  right now they are gone to south dakota.  that is where they met each other.  charlotte swears she is never going to sit across from me at dinner again. why you might ask, well it is because we are able to crack each other up and then have to cover it up when the questioning looks come. like it’s my fault my face contorts and i become the human lie detector.  ken is so sweet and i worry that he does not take his health (heart) seriously.  he is a stoic man. charlotte says he can take care of himself and so i am honoring that. oh hurry home you two, i miss you.

there are other women who sort come and go with us for dinner.  it is us regulars who miss each other when we are not there.

julia does this wonderful thing for me, she sends me cards.  i hope she knows how much they mean to me.  they spend time on the fridge and then to my special box of keepsakes.  she truly gets the spoon theory and gave me the absolute best gift afterward.  her husband worked with a soup company.  he had a tie pin that had what else??? a soup spoon!! i carry this spoon with me every day.  it reminds me not only that she cares for me but that she gets something so vital to me and my situation.

when my energy is low i pull out the pin and remind myself i have one last bit of energy that i can still draw on.  sometimes that is all it takes. other times i take it to bed with me and know that it will get me through the night. each morning i am grateful and know that my pin has seen me through another day or night.

what surprised me about julia is she hides her light under a bushel.  she is absolutely brilliant and kind. when we first met she said things like “i stayed home and had nine kids.” some would make the mistake of under-estimating her, let me say i played a couple of words with friends game against her and she is absolutely brilliant!! yet she never makes out that she is superior in any way.

thanks to these ladies i am motivated to get moving on thursdays. i know there will be laughs and that is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.

i have an amazing younger sister who is in sweden now but will be here june 10th.  we are moving to another house so we will have more space.  i am hoping that judy unger will be able to come and visit after the worst heat of summer is over.  i long to hear her playing her music. she is incredibly funny and just warms my heart.  i just keep looking forward and never feel “done” with things.

sometime i will be done as we all know.  right now i have not disclosed all to my loving and amazing man. there are 5 stages of kidney failure. right now i am in stage 4. at stage 5 i will go on dialysis.  people live for years on dialysis. of course my heart or liver could choose to check out before it comes to that.

one day i will share with my family, heather, kristen and bill, even susanne his first wife who i will trust to support my beautiful loving step-kids and my grandchildren. one day is not here yet.  i will purposely keep things light and age appropriate. i will miss you all my friends but we aren’t there yet. i just want to make sure that you all know just how much i love you and to understand that my lack of tears and fears doesn’t mean that i didn’t trust you with my feelings. i simply wanted to feel the joy of my love for you and my belief that you are going to be with my love when the time comes. make him laugh, let him remember that i loved laughter and wanted that for all that i love.

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be kind to yourself

May 3, 2015 at 6:13 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set..
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.



I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.

I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

i have no idea where this came from and i hope i will be forgiven for repeating what may belong to someone else.

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Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today

December 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

last night we had a couple of friends over for dinner and one of the couples knows that i have stopped taking my meds, at least intermittently for now.  just as we were getting ready to sit down greg asked if i was still not using my meds and how was that going. i quickly reminding him that was hush hush and he smiled with an apology. he believes this may be the best thing for me so that i can really enjoy these last days of my life.

as a result the first thing i thought of was this character.  basically that is what i am doing. i am not getting a hamburger but i am getting something now and offering to pay for it later.  of course he never had any intention of actually paying for his advance  and i know that i can not avoid paying for my advance.

last night was a rare night for me and i want to give a lot of credit to my guests. they were two couples and just fun, low key people. they both brought us poinsettia plants which are my favorites and i was so grateful and excited. one couple brought actual how made cookies and they are delicious!! charlotte is definitely a great cook.  her husband ken is one of the most kind men i have ever met and they are just interesting fun people to spend an evening with.  everyone just stepped in and helped where needed. it was not a big deal although they all know that i am suffering from heart disease along with a few other organs going in to failure.

by the end of the dinner i could barely stand, walking, even sitting was shear torture but it was my choice and gladly chose this time with these particular people for a reason. in the end chris and i and will say how much fun we had and as they may be the last people we entertain there are no regrets.

at the end of the day i was so swollen and just in pain i could barely walk to bed.  i couldn’t get my legs on the leg rest of the recliner. once everyone left  broke down and started crying from the pain.  by now i had taken 3 pain pills which is very rare for me.  i tend to get a prescription for 30 oxycodon once a year. usually they last for the entire year and so it concerns me to take so many in one day.  guess i will worry about this when the holidays are over.

i feel empowered knowing that i have friends who support my decision and will spend time with us without ever making me feel like i am dying.  make no mistake i am getting closer.  i feel it.  the visits from those that have gone before have become more frequent.  the bear is sometimes so close i can feel her breath on my face. she whispers of what it to come and how she just wants to be with me when the time comes.

the questions now are do i let him know and give him the option of being there or do i protect him and let him simply come to me when it is all over.  can i wait until angie is here? if so how long after she arrives do i give it? if i get “better” how much “better; do i have to get to make it worth the continued suffering?

for now i am just concentrated on my sister getting here on saturday and going to charleston for christmas with all the family.  now that is a great way to end your life.  i am grateful that i have had all these conversations with my family and so they all understand my choice and what i am asking of them.  i have the best family and friends.  wowow i am so blessed!!!

much love to you all and to all a merry christmas:)

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big decisions

December 1, 2014 at 2:52 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

before getting to the big decisions that we are trying to make i want to take this time to tell you how special this thanksgiving was for me.  it was difficult to have the conversation and tell him that i had stopped taking my medication.  you’ve been there i’m sure, there’s this very important issue to talk about and you want to wait for the perfect time.  in truth there is no perfect time for some conversations.  how to say i want to do this so i can be a better partner and not have him feel guilty.  i had just reached a point where i felt my life was not my life.  to explain that this is about quality of life to the person who loves you and wants you to be here as long as possible is difficult to say the least.

for a few weeks before thanksgiving i decided to try cutting back on my meds to see if it would make a difference.  cutting back did not seem to make enough of a change, i was still sleeping for 12 hours then taking a nap after being awake for a couple of hours.  it was a struggle to stay awake or engage for more than a couple of hours at a time.  the upside of that is when i am sleeping i am not in pain.  the level of pain i experience on a daily basis is not something i talk about in general.  one reason is because i don’t think my pain is worse than anyone else’s.  the other reason would be i just don’t think talking about it is productive.  so the down side of not taking my medication would be that i may be losing time from my future.

now that we are back i will be back on my meds for now.  a week before my sister comes for her visit and we go to charleston for christmas.  what happens after that i can’t really say for sure.  no one really knows what lies ahead do they? oh, some things we know are going to happen. people will live and people will die. unless there is some disaster the sun will rise and set each day.  the question is how you spend those hours each day and what is living to us as an individual?

there is not one day that i take for granted.  each is a precious gift we are given.  there is a pull to be comfortable even if that means sleeping most of the day.  there is an equal or greater pull to be alert and spending as much time as possible with my love, family and friends.  tonight we had a brief conversation about the defib and the question of turning it off.  so far we have just left it on and will have to face this decision along with other’s for now.  it’s one of those decisions that you hope to get right.  if we turn it off too soon i may leave before i am meant to, if we leave it on too long then i will not go gently in to that good night.

this is where i leave you tonight.  i welcome any advice or information you think i should consider.  this thanksgiving could be the last one and i don’t regret my decision to stop the meds so i was able to have quality time with my loved ones.  let’s hope it was the best decision medically. it was psychologically and emotionally.

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my secret, urgent care and the choice

November 24, 2014 at 12:33 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

one of the things i hate the most about this disease is the time it steals from us.  it has been about 10 days since you said that you get lonely when i am sleeping.  hearing that made my heart ache for you and the love i have for you just grew a little bit deeper.  i wanted to hold you and tell you that you would never be lonely again. not being able to do that with honesty i made a decision to give you all i had.

to do this i not only have to push myself beyond what i have ever done before. the other decision i made was to stop my medication for a period of time to give you as many waking hours as possible.  what good is it to live longer if i am sleeping through our life.

yesterday i had to go to urgent care, it should have been the e.r. .  the dr was young and very kind.  he gave me a shot for pain and a prescription for antibiotics along with a prescription for a non-narcotic pain medication.  he also recommended that i go to the hospital.  what went unsaid was i will not go to the hospital.  aside from the pain and effects of not taking my meds i noticed my blood pressure was high and looking back it has been high for a few months.

i recognize that the high blood pressure along with the blinding headaches are my body telling me it is time to go back on my medication.  part of my dilemma is we are going to charleston for thanksgiving and i want to be immersed in that experience.  so do i continue to go without the meds and risk….

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a good day?

October 5, 2014 at 2:57 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

as he does every night, he gives me a kiss on my lips and hand. then he says “as always thank you for a great day.”

oh dear it has been a great day indeed.

i fell asleep about 8 am and woke at 11:45.  moving about in a bit of a haze i decided to make he and i eggs. that should be easy, right?  as long as i can keep all my fingers and not fall over one of the cats. work in the insulin and pills, heat the pan, slice, whisk and then there it all is.  i notice it is not cooking evenly but my balance is getting worse so we never liked hard eggs anyway.

eggs served and eaten, nap time, i wake again very late and he goes for take out.  we eat and watch a saved masterpiece mystery.  he rubs my legs that have been giving me great pain. oh his tough is still the thing that can bring me to my knees.

a couple funny shows and then he is off to bed.  it is nearly 4 a.m.. and i will soon join him. i am hoping for sleep. no not that peaceful eternal sleep, not until i decommission this badge in my chest. just sleep, may be i”ll be able to spend more time with him.

that is a great day to look forward too. yes looking forward is what we do a lot of these days. the nitroglycerin will make times easier though i think his leg rubs may beat them for effectiveness:)

 

a coffe at starbucks after visiting our favorite place barnes and noble:)

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our first road trip where we learned we really enjoyed each others company!

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the dr. said

October 2, 2014 at 4:04 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

for some time now i have been feeling as though there is a difference in how my heart failure is progressing.  the strange thing with this condition has been my symptoms will stay stagnate for a period of time and then there will be this jump forward.

i’ve said a few times that i need to get in to see the dr.  honestly i know things are getting worse and that i need to see the dr, however, i see the look on his face and i put it off once again.  i say it’s not an emergency and nothing they can really do for me so what is the point.  he nods and we both put it on the back burner.

yesterday i realized i seriously needed to see my doctor.  aside from the regular stuff i was suffering from a raging sinus infection and heart related issues such as more frequent angina attacks along with more fluid retention.

my most recent excuse for putting this visit off was his big birthday. after that i needed no excuse since i have not had enough energy to get out.  over the past week we have gotten out a couple of times for a couple of hours and i was able to go out to dinner with a friend. this encouraged me to spend the day seeking out some answers.

what is that saying? be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.  dr. s is now at the urgent care and i was hoping to see him, my trust was rewarded with him being on duty this day.  it was his last day on for a while.  the relief and joy at knowing i would see him made the wait well worth it.  while sitting in the waiting room i saw him and he waved with his big smile.  when checking in i had asked to see him rather than the other dr. but knew that might not go well. once in the exam room he joked telling me that he had warned his co-worker that he did not want to see me with all my list of health problems.

my blood pressure was quite high, especially for someone on medication and with a pacemaker.  it has been well controlled at times but in the danger zone at others.  after the usual review of life and limbs he prescribed an anti-biotic along with fast acting nitroglycerin. the cardiologist may want to prescribe a once/twice a day longer acting nitroglycerin. that is if i see him.

we have to come to the point where i ask “the” question.  what can i expect now with so much change so quickly?  he stumbles over the words at first, then he slightly leans back in his chair and looking me in the eyes, well what we hope for is a quiet passing.  that you will go to sleep and …..

i can not help but lower my head in thought. i won’t have the luxury of a quiet death as long as this ICD is active.  do you think it is time for me to have it turned off?  he is candid in a way that surprises me. in the past he has been so optimistic and encouraged me to hold on as long as possible.  we had discussed chris’s birthday a couple of weeks ago.   i tell him i fear the longer i am here the harder it will be on my love.  his last advise was to do the things we want to do now.

the most difficult thing for me is i had no time to think about how i would tell him what the dr. said. if only he would have let me come on my own so i could be sure to find the kindest way to tell him this latest news. although it is not really news.  we have never taken any of our time for granted and are as grateful as any two people have ever been.

it will be cooler weather here soon and in a couple of weeks the leaves will be changing. in a couple of weeks we will be going in to tennessee and spend a couple of days at a bed and breakfast just enjoying the beauty of the season as well as each other.  we are as prepared for life as we are for death. each comes on its own terms and it is up to us to embrace them.

it is nearly 5 a.m. and i am going to try for a few hours of sleep, today is thursday and that means he will be playing bridge, then i will join the group for dinner.  i wasn’t able to go last week but i refuse to miss another week.  i so look forward to this weekly outing, seeing friends and catching up on what they have all been doing.  ahhh gotta go, he is coming down the hall to remind me it is time to join him.

just another reason to love him and to know how lucky i am, after all these years he still wants me beside him.  good night/morning my dear family and friends.  don’t be sad of this news, we all knew it was coming and who knows how long this phase will last? it could be weeks, months even years!

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the abilene paradox

September 27, 2014 at 4:01 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

not long after we started dating chris brought home this training film.  it is outdated and the actors are so stiff it made me laugh.  he was working for the california state highway dept. and this was a tape he had used when he worked in recruiting and training.

the basic story is a group of people, somehow related and some maybe not.  it is a sunday after church. they live in a small town about an hour away from abilene, texas.  texas is huge and during the summer quite hot and windy.  during the time this film is from either air conditioning was not available or only for rich people.  they are drinking iced tea and the fact that the ice is melting and the glass sweating are the focus.  these have to be some of the most boring people even for texas.

someone brings up going to abilene, the big city(?), and having ice cream. i am not sure how far they drive but let’s just say it feels like hours.  they are testy and no one seems happy to be in this heat, traveling in an un-airconditioned car. once in abilene the ice creams is melting and no one seems happy to have made this trip.

at the end, everyone is safely back on the small porch of one player, there ensues an argument regarding the trip to abilene.  you learn that no one wanted to go but thought the other’s did.

the moral of the story is don’t just go along with the crowd. speak up for yourself and you may not be the only one feeling this way.

so as i watched this training film i knew that only love would make me not regret the 30 minutes i would never get back.

that is until today. for several years after seeing this, chris would compare situation after situation to the “abilene paradox.”  of course i would not see the comparison but would nod to avoid an explanation of why it was indeed like this training film.

we have been planning a trip for october for several months. the cool months are the best time for me to travel so in the past we have made our once a year big trip in late fall or winter.  last year our trip to yosemite certainly had it’s challenges and since then i have to say we both know i have declined in health and ability to travel.

some time ago i explained to chris, who has never had more than the flu, that this was much like having the flu all the time.  last night i thought was the time to coax him into firming up whatever travel plans we are going to make.  originally we wanted to go back to california only this time drive along the coast and maybe over to napa valley. all very beautiful and cool places.  we have also talked a bit about more local short trips to see the changing leaves.

my goal is not just for myself but to get him out and enjoying life.  not wanting him to regret not getting out and making memories of his own. needless to say we would have to make adjustments according to my health needs on any given day but i am prepared to push through when need be.

he takes my hand, looks at me and says, if i felt like i had the flu everyday i would not want to go anywhere.  i would want to rest, sleep and lay in bed.  on a good day i would want to sit in the living room with you and drink tea, play with the kitties and maybe watch some good masterpiece mysteries.  isn’t that what you need? isn’t that best for you?

it feels like failure to me.  it feels like with enough love i could do what is best for him. he is right. i don’t feel like traveling for weeks. not even days.  so we are working this thing out. we will play it by ear. we will have small adventures. we will take a day or two if we feel like it, or we will curl up on the couch with the kitties and watch masterpiece mysteries.

this could have been the abilene paradox, the funny thing is he never once made the connection. think i will keep this one to myself.  maybe you have to love someone enough to say no this is not a good idea.  that is the kind  of love i have been blessed with in this part of my journey.  my sister will travel to sweden in may and she will send pics for us to be in awe of and tales of all the people she will meet.  at this point that is enough.

this part of my adventurous journey will be sitting or laying with the man i love, three cats that i am allergic to and visiting with friends who care enough to drop in and spend some time with me. all in all this part of the journey is not as bad as one might think.  no it is not bad at all.  life is good and we are going to make the most of it, right until the end. whenever that may be……

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