Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today

December 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Urban Dictionary: I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

last night we had a couple of friends over for dinner and one of the couples knows that i have stopped taking my meds, at least intermittently for now.  just as we were getting ready to sit down greg asked if i was still not using my meds and how was that going. i quickly reminding him that was hush hush and he smiled with an apology. he believes this may be the best thing for me so that i can really enjoy these last days of my life.

as a result the first thing i thought of was this character.  basically that is what i am doing. i am not getting a hamburger but i am getting something now and offering to pay for it later.  of course he never had any intention of actually paying for his advance  and i know that i can not avoid paying for my advance.

last night was a rare night for me and i want to give a lot of credit to my guests. they were two couples and just fun, low key people. they both brought us poinsettia plants which are my favorites and i was so grateful and excited. one couple brought actual how made cookies and they are delicious!! charlotte is definitely a great cook.  her husband ken is one of the most kind men i have ever met and they are just interesting fun people to spend an evening with.  everyone just stepped in and helped where needed. it was not a big deal although they all know that i am suffering from heart disease along with a few other organs going in to failure.

by the end of the dinner i could barely stand, walking, even sitting was shear torture but it was my choice and gladly chose this time with these particular people for a reason. in the end chris and i and will say how much fun we had and as they may be the last people we entertain there are no regrets.

at the end of the day i was so swollen and just in pain i could barely walk to bed.  i couldn’t get my legs on the leg rest of the recliner. once everyone left  broke down and started crying from the pain.  by now i had taken 3 pain pills which is very rare for me.  i tend to get a prescription for 30 oxycodon once a year. usually they last for the entire year and so it concerns me to take so many in one day.  guess i will worry about this when the holidays are over.

i feel empowered knowing that i have friends who support my decision and will spend time with us without ever making me feel like i am dying.  make no mistake i am getting closer.  i feel it.  the visits from those that have gone before have become more frequent.  the bear is sometimes so close i can feel her breath on my face. she whispers of what it to come and how she just wants to be with me when the time comes.

the questions now are do i let him know and give him the option of being there or do i protect him and let him simply come to me when it is all over.  can i wait until angie is here? if so how long after she arrives do i give it? if i get “better” how much “better; do i have to get to make it worth the continued suffering?

for now i am just concentrated on my sister getting here on saturday and going to charleston for christmas with all the family.  now that is a great way to end your life.  i am grateful that i have had all these conversations with my family and so they all understand my choice and what i am asking of them.  i have the best family and friends.  wowow i am so blessed!!!

much love to you all and to all a merry christmas:)

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one more thing… the dr. says it is angina

March 20, 2012 at 2:34 am (angina, living will, medical power of attorney, medical terminology, symptoms of angina for women, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

a few weeks ago I had to go for my usual check-in with the dr. and told him of some new symptoms.  well not exactly new as they have been going on for a few months.  this was not news to me, I have already done the research for any new information.  there is always the hope that new and improved treatments have come along since the last time I was current with what goes on in the medical field.  there are 3 types of angina, stable, unstable and the third only happens to a miniscule percentage of the population.  for at least a year I have had the stable angina.  the pain usually comes on  after some type of exertion, it doesn’t last too long, especially if I go sit down and rest.  my symptoms have changed and now most likely has become unstable angina.  it can last up to 30 min or more and is accompanied by nausea, abdominal pain and some of the others that are going to be listed below.

some good news though I was reading my living will and medical power of attorney and it states that my appointed rep (of course that is my husband) has the right NOT to call 911. if he knows it is my wishes then he is required to follow those instructions.  I still have some concern for him and know that he may call just out of concern for me.  this can not be easy for him, to know that he may be faced with an incident similar to the one 4 yrs ago.  he just couldn’t decide whether to call 911 or not.  of course he didn’t know then just how serious this was going to be.  if he had not called that day I would have died.  in some ways I can not help but wonder if that would have been for the best.  just a matter of a few hours and this would not be an issue now.  so that is his point now, he called and they were able to treat me and here I am some 4 yrs later.  whatever he decides will be the right thing, it has to be what he can live with.  I have hoped to keep his and my loved ones best interest in mind always.  if I have ever made it difficult for them I hope they will forgive me.

this past weekend the two of us and heather went to see “Following the Fleet” at the High Museum in Atlanta.  heather is a daughter that anyone would be proud of, I am so fortunate to be a part of her life.  in april we are going to charleston, it is our granddaughters birthday and a good excuse to visit.  we bought her birthday gift already, saw a cute dress and couldn’t resist.  I have been buying gifts for family and friends and putting them away.  chris hasn’t asked me why I am christmas shopping just a couple of months after the holidays.  I like the thought of still giving gifts after I am gone.

this is the High Museum

 

I have tried to upload a slide show that was forwarded to me and I have kept it and look at often.  it is not only beautiful but has some great life advice. hope it works:)

snow

read my horoscope in the t.v. guide and thought this was interesting,    the support of friends and family is fuel in your tank.   “sharing your process will inspire them to take better care of themselves, too.”  I have never been a big believer in horoscopes and not sure this changes that, however, if this is true and even one person makes the effort to take better care of themselves I will gratified.

so here is a list of the information I mentioned:

Stable Angina

The pain or discomfort:

  • Occurs when the heart must work harder, usually during physical exertion
  • Doesn’t come as a surprise, and episodes of pain tend to be alike
  • Usually lasts a short time (5 minutes or less)
  • Is relieved by rest or medicine
  • May feel like gas or indigestion
  • May feel like chest pain that spreads to the arms, back, or other areas

Unstable Angina

The pain or discomfort:

  • Often occurs at rest, while sleeping at night, or with little physical exertion
  • Comes as a surprise
  • Is more severe and lasts longer than stable angina (as long as 30 minutes)
  • Usually isn’t relieved by rest or medicine
  • May get worse over time
  • May mean that a heart attack will happen soon

Variant (Prinzmetal’s) Angina

Variant angina is rare. A spasm in a coronary artery causes this type of angina. Variant angina usually occurs while you’re at rest, and the pain can be severe. It usually happens between midnight and early morning. Medicine can relieve this type of angina.

Microvascular Angina

Microvascular angina can be more severe and last longer than other types of angina. Medicine may not relieve this type of angina.

if you know there is something wrong with your body and your dr. does not listen find a doctor that will.

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terri schiavo and other tragedies

August 9, 2011 at 2:47 am (choice, death with dignity, euthanasia, family, how to die in oregon, living will, medical power of attorney, Terri Schiavo) (, , , , , )

as the world watched the tragedy of Terri Schiavo and what her husband and family went through, I decided then and there my family would never go through that. it was beyond sad and at times I felt such anger at the system that let her life and the tragedy of her death become a t.v. event and sideshow. this young woman had said to her husband and friends she would not want to be kept alive by artificial means and yet that is exactly what happened since she did not put it in writing. the anguish her parents went through hoping that somehow she would recover when several reputable neurologists stated that would not be the case here. her husband going through years of struggle with the same people he had once been family with. this was not an easy event for anyone involved, and those of us on the sidelines had some pretty strong opinions.

the one thing I hoped would come of this is more people taking care of business before it was too late for them. no family should have to go through this especially when it can be prevented. too many think oh I can wait I am still young, and healthy. well she was young and she thought healthy. beyond the group in Oregon and their fight to have the right to die with dignity are the cases like Terri’s. if she had just left her husband the medical power of attorney he could have made the necessary decisions and not fight with her parents, if she had left a living will her desires would have been crystal clear and no one would have been the bad guy making the decision to let her die with dignity.

don’t we all deserve to have some dignity left to us at the end? I certainly want to have my choices respected. more people need to understand the value of these documents and how easy it is to take care of now vs. letting your family deal with it during their most vulnerable moments. I understand for some it seems unnecessary, they will never be in that situation, but I am sure the young Terri didn’t think she would be either. we never know what is going to happen so accepting we are not safe from all things and that we are indeed frail human beings may be difficult but not as difficult as what the Schiavo/Schindler’s went through!

I would not have the energy today to take care of this so I am grateful to have it behind me and know that all of my family, whether they agree or not, know what my wishes are and that Chris has the power of attorney and my living will.  this Wednesday I have to have a ct scan of my  liver and possibly surgery to follow. for the past few weeks I have felt pretty good but the exhaustion is back along with the pain so we will see what happens. I am prepared for whatever comes good or bad. that is the best any of us can do. I don’t know whether to wish the growth is large enough to be removed, since this would ease some problems it is causing, or hope for it to be too small for removal. either way we will deal with it and be happy for whatever comes. we just celebrated our 16 anniversary, each milestone I am here for gives me such joy! now I am hanging on for the holidays:) I know they are months away however if I think how close they are it makes me feel like yeah I can see myself here for another thanksgiving, another christmas, another birthday for my dear grandson and son-in-law. I hope to continue to look forward, although looking back and remembering what a great time I have had makes looking forward even better! I wish for you all to take care of business like the living will, and take care of yourself, keep looking forward with anticipation and looking back with no regret.

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