New Year’s resolutions and hope

January 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm (hope, love, New Year's resolutions, Uncategorized) (, , )

after reading the post by the comeback I began thinking about what the whole New Year’s resolution tradition.  if I did not make any resolutions am I saying “oh well” and just accepting a mediocre life or worse?  this led to long talk with hubby and later with a younger friend.  my own advice as a therapist has been to make small goals along the way.  this gives a person the chance to experience success and learn to set realistic goals for themselves and only for them. too often people would say if only he/she would do x then my life would be better. the old “fix them” routine.  over the years my own resolutions have been decidedly on ways to improve myself as a human being, mother, daughter, sister, wife, therapist, teacher, soldier….. it has been my belief that using my energy on other’s inventory was a waste of said energy. 

long-term resolutions seem a bit more arrogant at this point in my life and yet they are still made.  tonight it came to me, looking across the table at the love of my life, I asked the question.  if you were making my resolution for me what would it be?   at one time my goal to make the world a better place took the form of law studies.  the first rule of cross-examination? never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.   would i dare ask this question, and leave myself open to an answer, when there had been no preparation for the answer?  yep indeed we went there.  after some thought, and most likely some trepidation on his part, his response to my surprise was – if I were making your resolution this year it would be for you to not be so hard on yourself.  this has given me great pause. 

those words “don’t be so hard on yourself” are words I have heard over the years.  it has never been my intention to be hard on myself, only to expect the best of me every day.  lately I will admit to feeling more dissatisfied with my performance as a wife and as a person in whole.  my physical heart is tired and needs rest if it is to last a bit longer. my heart of spirit needs to be reassured that I have given my all to any task for the day.  some days when texts of regret are sent, can’t make it again, it is a loss of a standard set for myself by myself.  it is also one of the events that we the ill are warned of. brochures on what is ahead include the perception from others that we want to be left alone.  that the healthy will not slow down for the ill.  it makes me think of basic training, the tallest are in the front and run at their pace.  the shortest, are at the rear and told to keep up or there will be consequences.  at 5’2″ my spot was ever in the last row.  knowing my determination the drill sgts added that i would be the road guard. this meant running ahead of everyone else, stopping traffic until the last runner was out of the road then catching up to them and getting back in place.

it has been with that same determination, that drive to keep up, that has made me who I am today.  although there are many things I could improve on, being a good human being is not I would say one of them.  this above all else has been my life long resolution.  if the lesson I need to learn now is not to be too hard on myself then I will embrace that although putting that into action, understanding how to picture that will take some work.  I hope not to disappoint Chris:) okay that was funny, a little anyway.

if I could encourage one resolution for us all it would be to live in love and all that brings with it.  this is not just love of others but for ourselves. forgiveness is a miracle that comes from loving ourselves enough to let go of anger.  if what you do today or everyday is from a place of love it is my belief peace in your heart and soul will follow.  there have been tragedies in my life as in many others, it has been a journey to arrive at this place and I like it here.  it will end when it ends, that is not my choice, for today and every day gifted to me, I will honor it be resolving , as I do daily, to appreciate this time, the people around me and hope ….

Permalink Leave a Comment

To Resolve or Not to Resolve? and a few last words for 2011 from 2012

January 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm (choice, christina symanski, gratitude, hope, NLP, the bad cripple, the comeback, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

word association has been of interest to me for years longer than my psychology career.  how we go from one thought to another or retrieve unused but stored information in our brain fascinates me.  even before my teaching years NLP ( neuro-linguistic programming) made perfect sense to me.  over the past few years there have been many studies of how we store and learn information.  while teaching, this gave me a way of helping students who were struggling, if it is understood how this individual learns and is taught in that form, there is a better chance of success.  this is all relevant now as I am trying to decide what thoughts to lead with and how to keep them all in some relatable form.

 the death of Christina Symanski has been a bit of gossamer that can’t be cleared away.  the only way for me to move forward,  is to put it in perspective.    perspective is a word often used by those who don’t actually have the ability to use it.  when speaking to someone who has gone through a life changing event the best thing is often to put this event in to perspective.  recently a man was sharing with me that his mother had announced to him she had been molested as a child.  he was quite  off put by this and in his words “shut her down.”  my advice was solicited and given.  it would have been more productive if this woman could have sat with an old friend or therapist to discuss this event.  if she still felt the need to share this with her son then she could do so from a position of perspective.  he felt she had just dumped this on him.  this goes back to how much do we share and with who?  just want to add that in my opinion the recent news of boys being molested in her home town (Pennsylvania) was a contributing factor in her anxiety.  having the chance to put this event in to perspective at the time would have aided her over the years.  it still goes back to my question of what is the motive for telling someone about such an event?  if it is just to make you feel better, stop and think this through.  what do we want the outcome to be?  more than one cheating spouse has said they had to tell the other as they deserved the truth.  this has seemed a bit cowardly to me.  some burdens must be carried by us alone, in my opinion.

there has been very little information regarding the passing of Christina.  do we really need to know more?  it is a tragedy her family and loved ones will have to find their way through.  it is doubtful she could have lived for a month without food and water.  food yes, water no way.  does it matter if in her blog, looking back, that there were hints she might end her life?  these were her decisions and no one else can tell us if our life is worth living.  no one can give you a reason to be hopeful if you can not find one in yourself.  this is a tragedy that is played out daily around the world yet we have given much time and thought to this one individual.  is it due to her perceived good life? she was an artist and very active in the spinal cord injury community.  does examining her life reassure us we would not do the same thing?  we see a person who has been taken advantage of and say it wouldn’t happen to us since we are smarter and wouldn’t put ourselves in that position.  the old “those people vs. us” theory?

in my search for others going through similar circumstances it has been my good fortune to find much more than that.  it has been an inspiration to read of how others are caring for their loved ones with either terminal or life-long illness/disabilities.  still others have the disability and are living their life to the fullest in their own way.  so 2011 has come and gone.  it was a good year and it leaves me hopeful for the next year to come.  being hopeful is as important to me now as it has been throughout my life.  that optimism has sustained me over the years and I trust that it will continue to do so.  our hopes  adjust to the situation.  knowing my time is running out means I won’t be hoping for that promotion ( no longer working) or the big trip (no longer taking trips over a few hours and no flying at all).  hope still lives here though, it is in the hope of being remembered, of leaving a legacy that will be passed on.  the hope of still having some good days, being a good friend and companion to others, these are my hopes now.  do I still make New Year’s resolutions?  yes I do.

so now we come to the point of this post, making resolutions or not.  this is a personal choice and yet I read with interest the blog hosted by Shane Hodge, the comeback.  his post was regarding making these resolutions and what it says about us if we don’t.  this man is on fire and has much to share with the rest of us.  shane wrote a book by the same title and I am in the process of reading it.  briefly what he shares is how he came to his own  comeback.  through conversations with his dying mother certain truths became more evident to him.  his mother was able to leave this legacy due to his ability to hear what she was saying.  this is my own hope to leave a legacy with loved ones that will be remembered.  to know that your philosophy on life is being honored can be our greatest accomplishment.  

 after reading an article about resolutions shane wrote about his feelings and what this said to him.  the poll said that more people are not making New Year’s resolutions, the reason given is they felt nothing could change for the better.  they were expecting more pain and bad news for the coming year.  the following is from the comeback site.  “I’m going to sit down and write a nice long list of all the stuff that I no longer want in my life next year. I’m going to write a list of all the things I want to achieve next year, I’m going to create and commit to a bunch of New Years resolutions. Why am I going to do that? I will do it as I refuse to let “Oh Well” control my life and I can make sure that happens because?      I believe in Miracles.” (from Shane Hodge w/permission)

this led to my own poll of who is making resolutions and why/why not?  for now I am going to go rest and come back later.  this is unusual for me to post more than once in a  day but I have much on my mind now and this helps.  the other reason is one of my cats, chloe, is making it very difficult to ignore her.  posting a pic which is also new for me. 

Permalink Leave a Comment

%d bloggers like this: