Aimee Copeland leaves the hospital

July 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm (aimee copeland, choice, coping, creative writing, good news, gratitude, hope, living, love, motivation, optimism, support system, why blog) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

yes Aimee went to rehab today and she will be there for 6-8 months.  I hope she continues to be optimistic and her support system stays in place.  maybe that is what really makes the difference.

looking back it occurs to me that my blog has many entries focused on others without much tie in to myself.  with some reflection, really not that much:), it is clear how that has happened.  my life has been about others.  as a nurse, there is the patient.  as a therapist there is the patient and even as a professor/teacher it is about the students.  most of us have others in our life that we give our love and support to.  mom’s and dad’s  have children, spouse’s have likewise, children have parents that may need their care.  parenting never ends if you are lucky and then there are the grandchildren.

there has been little time to think about my own situation.  situation is an odd word for this, not so odd if it is understood how i refer to my multi-system failure that landed me on life support in ICU as “the event.”  it seems tedious to refer to the event in medical terms or what would feel like a bit of melodrama at this point.  although when i read of others and their struggles it reinforces my belief that we all have a story.  as we go through our day we have a choice to have faith, or spin in uncertainty that can make us suffer beyond our physical self.

recently though I have had things on my mind to write about, however, two things stopped me.  one is the awareness of how this blog has changed from its original concept. second, is the awareness that i am not a writer.  it’s ok. to know what our gift is, is a blessing.  when reading other blogs i am in awe of the creativity and flow of the story.  the new goal for me is to remember and follow my true purpose in writing at all.  as for the other it is my intent to be ok, really ok, with my limits as a writer. this was never meant to be anything more than a personal blog.  future posts may be boring to some who now read my postings.  there are so many more interesting people out there.  those that become bored please do not feel the need to comment on said boredom.

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the rolls royce in my chest and other thoughts

November 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm (dying, family, feelings and thoughts, gratitude, holidays) (, , , , , , , )

in feb of 2012 it will be 2 yrs since I had the Rolls Royce of devices planted in my chest.  as I lay on the table waiting for the procedure to begin a man started talking to me. he started saying how lucky it was that this device had recently been found to extend the life of patients with this particular problem. it seems that even though I am a rather good therapist the left side of my heart has been refusing to communicate with the right side of my heart. this has caused my heart to be out of sync and with all the problems it already has this is not good news.  it is freezing, did I mention, in the OR room? it always is, a nurse brings me a heated blanket and she has quickly become the kindest person I have ever met.  this man’s voice is coming from somewhere just beyond my line of sight.  he is saying it is the golden Cadillac, no wait it is the rolls royce of the implanted defibrillator devices.  mine, he says, has not just two wires but it has a third to force my two halves to speak to each other.  yes unlike humans my heart can be forced to communicate in a healthier way. I can’t help but wonder if a little shock now and then would make people open up and talk in a way that moves them forward?  this device I have not only shocks you if and when your heart stops, it is a pacemaker and the real coup is how it makes my heart beat as one, as it is intended to. 

stay with me here, it all becomes clear how these thoughts are connected, at least I hope so.  we have just returned from our brief trip to Charleston, s.c.   coming home is always long and tiresome. going, we break the 7 hour drive into two parts, we stay at a bed and breakfast the first night and then on to our destination. the idea is to be as rested as possible getting there and drive straight through coming home.  it doesn’t matter to us if I need a few days to recover once home.  the memories of the last few days are more than enough to compensate me for the down time.  each year the grandkids get more ….. everything.  they are becoming these interesting people with ideas and interests to share and questions, lots of questions.  of course it is great to see their parents, Susanne ( Chris’ first wife) and Heather.  my relationship with them all has come so far and is so gratifying.  these are wonderful people and I am so grateful for them, I quite literally can die happy now.  there is something about my life that releases me from any angst at what lies ahead for me.  my sister and I have a relationship that makes me proud of us both.  living so far apart can make it difficult to connect but we can pick up as though  no time passed.  it is my great fortune to have friends that feel like family and their texts and calls raise my spirits daily. 

aah the connection?  just a few months ago I decided to have the rolls royce disconnected. not that  I am giving up, I simply  do not want my dear man or anyone else for that matter having their last memory of me involve this device shocking my body even though my heart has given up the call to battle.  in the past my request has been to live a few more days, just long enough for one more memory.  long enough for my grandchildren to know me, love me and remember me.  that is so much and I dare not ask for more when I am so blessed.  maybe it is my optimism that brings me to the point of delaying this decision.  the timing is what I want to feel.  in the next few months it may once again feel like the right timing,  for now I am looking forward to another Christmas with my loved ones.  anything seems possible at this moment. maybe that is magical thinking as they say in the psychology books.  frankly my dear I don’t give a ….  ( Gone With The Wind was on)  it is still my intention to get disconnected, to visit the funeral home so I can do whatever paperwork necessary so Chris does not have to go through the drama of an autopsy.  do people generally know that if the loved one has been ill and under a drs. care an autopsy is not required?  we can talk about that later. now I am going to recline, wait for my heart to start behaving, and dream of all I have to be thankful for.  I hope you had much to appreciate this year, I hope you realize how much you have to be grateful for!

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