September 30, 2012 at 12:58 am (dying, end stage, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die) (, , , , )

there are things that i have left unsaid.  earlier i was reading the blog of someone whose daughter is terminally ill.  she made the remark her daughter thinks she can’t handle the complete truth about her pain.  it made me start thinking of how i too hide the brutality of the pain i endure day-to-day.  is it due to his lack of understanding? i would have to say yes and no.  can someone who is healthy and never had any type of injury really understand or empathise with this kind of pain?

what will be gained if i were to bare not only my soul but this thing that is a part of me.  he already worries, do i want to burden him further?  i love this man and know that he is making every effort to make sure i have joy in my life every day.  it is in his eyes, the way they get moist or dewy. it is in his face, the way he goes all soft and turns just a bit away.  it is in the hand that reaches out to me.  we sit and hold hands. yes i have things that are unsaid.

at times the pain is almost more than i can bear.  when working in ER, trauma and air-evac there were many times i saw patients writhing in pain and now i am that person.  sometimes the pain comes  and i try to stay very still, maybe if i am very still it will go away.  other times it comes and i have to move, at first i shake my legs.  he knows without me saying how bad the pain is.

on our way to the bookstore i reach over and take his hand; “you know things are moving forward right?”  he swallows harder than normal and says yes.  the truth is i now need about 12 hours of sleep and remain exhausted the other 12.  my normal routine would have been jumping up the minute my eyes opened and heading for the shower.  now the shower is some daunting task that is going to deplete my already low energy.  how do you explain that you can feel your heart giving up?  i feel it struggle to beat, i feel life gently flowing out of me like some ocean tide.

there are things that i have not said.  there are things you have to experience to really understand.  there are things i may never say, except here.


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pain in the shadows

July 20, 2012 at 4:13 am (bravery, coping, death, dying, feelings and thoughts, how does it feel to die, pain medication) (, , , , )

if he arrives during the day, most often he is relegated to the shadows.  smiles to cover his unexpected arrival.  so many subtleties to redirect the obvious.  a small smile, little extras to take care of and before you know it not only are they fooled but somehow you have even fooled yourself. or not, maybe you know that in the shadows and late hours he will be back for you.

as a young girl many joked that such a small girl could run and dance before crawling. actually crawling never appealed to me. the scrubbing of knees, dirt and so less freeing as the movement on tiptoe.  yes during this period of parents insisting that pre-toddlers wear these white hard shoes meant to make feet strong and straight.  my feet became strong, straight and they became toes shoes.  running and dancing on toes quickly broke them down.  making them the perfect dance shoes.

marie would lose her temper and pain came for me.  he was kind and apologetic.  it isn’t your fault he would say, let’s dance and soon you will for get why i am here and only trust that i am here and we can do something beautiful out of this ugliness. so the years went by and one marriage brings a new kind of pain, one  not known to even exist before.  his hand reaches for mine. can you run through the basics? what about a little soft shoe?  down by the sea, by the beautiful sea,  you and me, you and me, oh how happy we’ll be!  he has been my friend for many years, more than any other friend.  in the army, broken  legs, broken arms, broken back…. he was there.  he is tall, dark and quit eloquent.

so this morning it is 4:45a.m. and he is here.  he embraces me, he whispers in my ear, would i like to send him away?  we talk about that. what will that mean to send him away? there have been times his   outline is vague and though i know he is there waiting there are times i can not let him have a place.  the wee hours of the morning are the best time to see each other. those are the times he reaches for me. his arm slips around my  shoulder or waist. my head can rest on his shoulder.

it is time to go to bed and there is no room for you.  i will reach out to my husband, put my arms around him. he will slip his arm around me and whisper of our love.  you will have no place in our bed.

someday i will leave you, we will never dance again, my last dance will be with the man i love and the man who has put his all too real arms around me and we will rock a bit and dance a bit and i will seek my ease from him. you have been a part of my life too long.

though I know i have many years of pain ahead and want to keep you as the companion you have long been we will be saying adieu for ever before we know it.


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