does this make me wimpy?

November 9, 2015 at 12:05 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

i have written concerning my feelings, this applies only to myself and is in no way a judgement of anyone else, regarding the use of the e.r. and pain medication.  tonight i have broken both of these soft rules.  i have always known that i may indeed have to use the e.r. at some point. i just thought it would be under more dire (?) circumstances.  just minutes ago i asked for and received a shot of morphine.  i just need to rest a few hours.  i just need to be able to regroup and move forward from here.

on tuesday i had a blood transfusion.  it has to be done either through the outpatient or as an admitted patient when you have congestive heart failure.  it is considered risky and my cardiologist muttered under his breath as he left my room today “she should not have been given the transfusion.”  although i did not have an immediate reaction i did start a slide down hill that only going to the e.r. and being admitted could stop.  for a couple of weeks i was battling a virus, possibly pneumonia.  then came the transfusion and my body just couldn’t handle it.

i was adamantly against going to the e.r. until this,

angie: you’re not the one with the dying sister who is going to suffer the loss.

for a moment i thought she was joking, she had made the comment to me once that i could not use the “i’m dying card.”  so in the void left by this deeply raw and honest truth i replied, “you’re not going to play that card are you because you can only use it on a limited basis.

i look at her and am a bit ashamed that i have brought her to this point.  how could i not see that she and he are worried and frustrated by my rejection of possible remedy.  her eyes hold what could become tears, oh i want to move across the room and hug her tightly but i am too ill to do so and know that i must go to the dreaded e.r.

she has bought in to the opinion of some nurse on the phone line who tells her i will get oxygen and just take some home with me.  of course i am now in a room as a patient of our local hospital.  that alone is the frustration i carry. does this make me a wimp?  have i given in to the idea i can be fixed? no, this i know for sure, i have not been blinded to the reality that i am coming to that place where there are no more steps to be taken.  it will be time to open myself to the universe and welcome this part of my journey.

my mind is analyzing and seeking the answer to this question, by asking for pain medication have i crossed a line that  changes me and what i stand for?  my chest x-ray showed pleural effusions.  i will explain in my next post but for now let me say that there is a high level of pain involved.  given time i have no doubt i can walk with this pain without fear or dread.  tonight though i have asked for relief.  just for tonight i jokingly welcome this wimp who decided not to be brave tonight.  tonight i am a wimp and i can love this part of myself.  she will have to take a back seat tomorrow but for tonight she is calling the “shots.”  not as clever as judy or any of the other real writers i have come to love but not bad for a wimp.

good night to all you brave beings who face your battles with grace that leaves me inspired and in awe.  good night to all the wimps who i am learning to respect and understand in a new day and new light.  now if i can just get a few hours of rest here where the lights are never off.

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