magic in the moonlight? only if you believe
August 27, 2014 at 8:35 pm (Uncategorized) (how does it feel to die, living with dying, magic in the moonlight, the dr. says, the love of sisters, the psychological affect of sisters, waiting for the end, woody allen)
woody allen’s latest movie, magic in the moonlight was not well reviewed by the critics and only gained one more star from the public.
we are fans of his films not necessarily of his personal life. over the years we have enjoyed his quirky films and this was no different. after seeing the movie we discussed not only the movie but why would it only get 2 stars out of 5 from the critics. colin ferril and emma stone played the main characters but the whole cast was marvelous on their own.
there were enough twists and turns to make it pleasurable. the problem was the title or so i believe. the title leads you to believe (spoiler alert if you have not seen and plan to see this movie!) that at some point there will be a romantic scene involving the moonlight.
one critic wrote “there is no magic in the moonlight.” the whole idea of magic is, i believe, very personal. what inspires awe in us varies greatly. personally we often go out at night to view the moon and stars. it inspires us to hold each other and take that moment to feel the magic of the moonlight.
we all find magic in our own ways. i find magic in the love of my family and friends. magic in the love we have for our cats and they for us. magic surrounds us and enfolds us in its arms. we just have to be open to the possibilities.
this is one of the things i so admire about my younger sister, she is so open to new possibilities. soon she will be taking the town of cartersville georgia by storm! i am so proud of her for stepping out of the box to find her true calling and the life path that will bring her the most real contentment and happiness she so deserves.
we all deserve to have that magic in our life. we just have to be willing to open that door and step through. magic in the moonlight is worth the risk. i know, i stepped through that door many times and there were times i experienced great suffering yet there was great reward in the end.
that is my wish for you, that you accept the magic all around you. embrace the moonlight. i know each one may be my last. so i will not waste one chance to look at it and hug the man i love. don’t forget to hug those you love, of course that is if they are huggers:)
disappointment leads to opportunities
August 22, 2014 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, death with dignity, disappointment or opportunities, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
recently we realized that the trip we had planned for october was just not a good idea. the itinerary was to travel to san francisco, pick up my sister and drive along the coast to monterey, carmel, big sur then back up to napa valley and mendocino.
i had checked on plane tickets and chris had been putting off choosing our flights there and home. a few days ago i tried to pin him down before the prices went up. after avoiding the conversation we needed to have, he started talking.
the next few minutes just broke my heart. not for myself but for this wonderful and loving man that i am so blessed to have in my life for 22 years. i could see the anxiety in his face, feel it in his voice and body. the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint me, there was just so much fear for him.
i am not supposed to fly, however, we have taken 2 trips that meant being in a plane for 2 hours and that seemed to be my limit. then last december we flew to sacramento calif and this flight was close to 5 hours. there is no point going into details but by the end of the trip we were both concerned i wouldn’t make it back home. now he is just plain afraid that i might not even make it to california. after listening to his concerns i realized that i would be ok not going on this trip. his peace of mind was much more important. he so seldom asks me not to do something that i had to let this go.
we went on to talk about where our next adventure could be. see he is not asking me to stop seeing new places, he is not asking me to give traveling which he knows i love. this is a part of our lives that we both enjoy and don’t want to give up. we talked about new adventures that are just waiting out there for us.
since we were not going to see my sister angie, chris said we could bring her out to georgia. when i told her of course she was disappointed but happy to come out here. now the plan is for her to come out she was excited. his birthday is next month and it is a big one. son joel with his wife maggie and their 2 boys, daughter kristen, son-in-law bill along with my grandson and granddaughter, oldest daughter who lives in atlanta and my sister will all be here to celebrate this time of his life.
some may say not going to california is a disappointment, we say this opens the doors to new opportunities. wow life is just so darn good!
robin williams and making the choice
August 15, 2014 at 1:43 am (Uncategorized) (cirrohtic liver, congestive heart failure, death with dignity, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
the world is in mourning for the brilliant and talented robin williams. what we didn’t know was he had been diagnosed with PD. it would seem he made the choice not to live with the disease and the consequences. my sister and i knew immediately that there was more to the story when we first heard about the tragedy. for his family i feel such sorrow. although i have this feeling his wife knew exactly what he was planning. when you work in the psych field for a long time certain things pop out at you.
this has been a heck of a day. of course we all have them and being terminally ill does not make you immune. to begin with i will not be able to make our trip to california. it would seem i will never see california again in this lifetime, this journey. the great news is my sister angie is going to come out here and will be here for chris’ birthday. i am so grateful we have the kind of relationship where i can call her up and say our plans have changed but let’s make new ones she is quick to change gears. so it’s all good.
we are having insane trouble with one of our tenants, the good news is we have new tenants at another property who have sort of stepped up and are helping us out. after the day i have had today it is nice to have that kind of support.
my long time primary care dr had been trying to call me for a couple of days and the basic conversation was that i can not make any more long trips, it is too risky. poor chris told me last night that it scares him to think of me dying while we are on some trip. i laughed and said i have to die somewhere so what difference does it make? realizing how important this is to him i decided to honor his concern and make some compromises. then this call from the dr. the dr says my liver is getting worse and i don’t feel it is the time to share this with him. there are too many things going on and he will become frustrated and much like the deer in the headlights he will just freeze. knowing this i have a responsility to protect him and slow things down. if other’s have a problem with this it is their problem.
tonight i realized that some of his feelings are fragile in areas that i understand and plan to make up to him. he deserves to be treated with respect. it is my goal to make sure he is my priority and the love of my life. when you are fortunate enough to have this kind of love you want to care for it like the precious gift it is.
tomorrow is a new day and i for one am really looking forward to that new start. we will take a deep breath and renew our vow to love and honor each other every moment of every day.
it has been a while
August 11, 2014 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, death, death with dignity, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
so where to start? guess i will start with being so ill for a few weeks and still not where i was before it happened. the dr said it could be bacterial pneumonia, sepsis or early kidney failure. i made a recommendation about another possibility and he agreed. what i felt sorry about was he gave me this hopeless look and said i was asking him to guess since i would not agree to further testing.
after 10 days of antibiotics i still didn’t feel as well as i had a few weeks earlier but we all know this story isn’t going to have a storybook or fairytale ending. today i was out for a couple of hours and that seems to be ok. the exhaustion is more pronounced than before, however, any time i am able to interact with loved ones i feel most grateful.
there is one thing i really want to address here and i know that some may not understand this but that is ok. well actually there are two things:)
first i want to say that i am not afraid to die. in times of weakness as well as times of strength i worry about my family. chris says often that he does not know how he will carry on if i am not here. of course i know that he will be fine and he has support from so many who love him. i worry about my youngest sister. i won’t say more about that here as i regard her privacy highly. we all (bloggers) hold some things back as they are not for the public. they may be someone else’s story that we feel is better left for them to tell. as for me and death? we are old friends. we have come close over the years, we have even nodded at each other a few times. we respect each other for what we are, our purpose.
second, if i can remember now what that second thing was??? oh yeah, i am an advocate for the right to die with dignity. i know some of you don’t agree with that and i respect your choice. i guess i would ask that you respect mine. i will make this decision when the time comes out of love for all those who are in my life. the tricky part is making sure it is the right time. let me assure you i will err on the side of caution with this one. i have made decisions that were life and death since i was too young to do so. the practice has not made me perfect but it has taught me not to act precipitously. never pull that rip cord while still in the plane!
i have missed you my friends and look forward to talking to you more in the coming days, weeks and months. keep looking forward but (i hate that word) don’t neglect the moment you are in at any given time.
we were both so deeply touched by the comments left for chris when he posted for me. i want to thank you and tell you he was appreciative to those who reached out to him. you made a difference.
the dr. says 